It does not seem like it should be week 19 yet, I feel like it was just Saturday morning and I woke up knowing that I needed to take a pregnancy test. That could not have been 3 and a half months ago.
That day my life changed, and it was so weird, so odd. I'd been feeling moody and grumpy, but attributed it to my period starting, PMS. But the period never came. One Saturday morning I woke up after the weirdest dream* and just knew that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I had one, because I'd had a moment or two before where for a minute I thought I might be, but wasn't. So, I got up, went into the bathroom and peed the stick. Within two minutes there were two lines. Two lines.
H was stretched out asleep on the living room floor, and I immediately woke him up. I didn't shout or yell, it was just a hushed, "H, I think I'm pregnant." He was groggy, but got up and stumbled into the bathroom with me. I had to get a second opinion on the pink lines. After we both decided it was pink, we then decided we needed to go to Target and get at least 2 or 3 more tests, just to verify.
I think what shocked me the most about the entire thing was just the fact that I felt no different physically. I was my same self, just with PMS symptoms, but other than that just fine. That lasted for about two weeks only, then the morning sickness began to settle in.
Now, I'm 19 weeks along and feeling pretty darn preggo. My body is changing right before my eyes, its so weird when I look at myself now, because its like my face, but the body is just weird, different, bigger.
An interesting aside:
My mom and H were talking before Thanksgiving about how 'well' they thought I was handling the pregnancy. Both seemed to be relatively shocked, due to the fact that I had not panicked a great deal and was handling things like doctor visits, getting blood drawn, and the prospects of labor pretty well. They then went on to discuss my weight gain. I've put on a total of 10 pounds. They both agreed most of the weight has gone to my boobs.
That I'm sure, was a weird conversations. Husbands and mother-in-laws should not discuss wives/daughters boobs.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
hard times
I'm having a hard day. Yesterday was a bit scary. I kept feeling this weird tingly sensation under my right boob. I'd noticed it over the weekend, but couldn't tell if it was really something or just me and my crazy ole head. But yesterday I noticed it again when I was at work typing. So I called the doctor and they were able to get me in right away. Strangely enough, I wasn't nearly as worried as I thought I would be, I was only slightly-panicked. The nurse got the baby's heartbeat again, took my urine, blood pressure and had me to sit on the table to go over my symptoms and wait for the docotor. Dr. came in and felt around, poked and prodded only to tell me that because of my growth spurt (tummy, boobs, etc) and my posture, I'm probably cutting off blood to a nerve in that area, nothing to worry about he says. I just have to constantly remind myself to sit up straight. That is hard.
Its also difficult because I'm having to sleep on my left side now. Or my right, but the left is better they say b/cs this is a way for the baby to get more blood and nutrients from the placenta. Prior to the pregnancy I was totally a tummy-back sleeper. Sometimes I wake up and catch myself and panic because I've flipped over on my back. So what I've done now is to put lots of pillows around me on either side, makes it almost impossible for me to turn over without kinda waking myself up a bit to readjust and get the pillows right, which makes me think twice about sleeping on my back/tummy and gets me to sleep on my side. However, as a result of this new side-sleeping endeavor my side aches and feels all crampy.
Okie- so I feel guilty for so much complaining, lets try to balance this out.
Good: Baby is healthy.
Bad: I hate work.
Good: Work allows me monies to save for un BeBe.
Bad: My left side feels like a lumpy old tree.
Good: The Baby got plenty of fluids and nutriets last night while I was sleeping.
Bad: I hate doctors and yesterday panicked when I began to think about going into the hospital for birth.
Good: If I can continue with yoga and keeping myself fit, then I might not have a bad labor.
Bad: Labor is meant to be work intensive.
Good: You get a baby out of it.
I'm trying!
Its also difficult because I'm having to sleep on my left side now. Or my right, but the left is better they say b/cs this is a way for the baby to get more blood and nutrients from the placenta. Prior to the pregnancy I was totally a tummy-back sleeper. Sometimes I wake up and catch myself and panic because I've flipped over on my back. So what I've done now is to put lots of pillows around me on either side, makes it almost impossible for me to turn over without kinda waking myself up a bit to readjust and get the pillows right, which makes me think twice about sleeping on my back/tummy and gets me to sleep on my side. However, as a result of this new side-sleeping endeavor my side aches and feels all crampy.
Okie- so I feel guilty for so much complaining, lets try to balance this out.
Good: Baby is healthy.
Bad: I hate work.
Good: Work allows me monies to save for un BeBe.
Bad: My left side feels like a lumpy old tree.
Good: The Baby got plenty of fluids and nutriets last night while I was sleeping.
Bad: I hate doctors and yesterday panicked when I began to think about going into the hospital for birth.
Good: If I can continue with yoga and keeping myself fit, then I might not have a bad labor.
Bad: Labor is meant to be work intensive.
Good: You get a baby out of it.
I'm trying!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
quickening
For the past couple of weeks I've felt like there is a loose marble or actually, lemon, rolling around in the bottom of my gut. My guess, and what the books are telling me, is that this is Cucumber. Sometimes I feel it more than others, usually after I've had a meal (especially something heavy, pasta, big salad, dessert). Its such a weird feeling. I can't really describe it, but its like what a ball looks like in water. How do you describe a feeling with what something looks like? I dunno, but thats the best I can come up with. It makes me feel so amazing. Amazing. My word for this entire process. But right now I just felt it a couple of seconds ago, its just a flash. The doctor says I won't feel anything hard and fast for at least another 2-3 weeks, but this is pretty darn cute.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Freedom
I've included a new little ticker countdown, this one is a countdown to freedom.
I'm learning something that my dad has been trying to tell me for the past four months. Once you find out you are pregnant, your life does change. Whether you want it to or not. I'm having to deal with some things that a year ago I would have totally walked away from just because I could, just because it was me, and I would have found another way to get by. But now, because I'm a parent-to-be, its different. Sacrafices start early, but when I think of Cucumber, this is a small price to pay.
So, I'm chugging along right now- up hill, sometimes sliding back, but trying to move like the little engine that could- not because it wants to, but because it has no choice.
I'm learning something that my dad has been trying to tell me for the past four months. Once you find out you are pregnant, your life does change. Whether you want it to or not. I'm having to deal with some things that a year ago I would have totally walked away from just because I could, just because it was me, and I would have found another way to get by. But now, because I'm a parent-to-be, its different. Sacrafices start early, but when I think of Cucumber, this is a small price to pay.
So, I'm chugging along right now- up hill, sometimes sliding back, but trying to move like the little engine that could- not because it wants to, but because it has no choice.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Week 17 Doctor Visit
So- my doctors visit went well today, thus far. The nurse had a hard time at first finding Cucumber's heart beat, but apparently that is because Cucumber likes to evade the Doppler mic. I guess no future MC in my belly.
I've gained a total of 9.5 lbs and my blood pressure was actual normal- gasp, normal, there is no way this pregnancy could actually turn me into a normal person, or could it?
We also had more blood work today to check for genetic disorders, which I pray turns out all good. The next visit is in 3 weeks and we get the mega ultra-sound done, to determine how Cucumber is developing and growing, and if Cucumber is a boy or girl!
Can I get an oh-yahy? Lil' John style please.....
I've gained a total of 9.5 lbs and my blood pressure was actual normal- gasp, normal, there is no way this pregnancy could actually turn me into a normal person, or could it?
We also had more blood work today to check for genetic disorders, which I pray turns out all good. The next visit is in 3 weeks and we get the mega ultra-sound done, to determine how Cucumber is developing and growing, and if Cucumber is a boy or girl!
Can I get an oh-yahy? Lil' John style please.....
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Waffle House of Faith
Reading back over a previous post and comment I can't help but to laugh. Lets just say I've been down many a path when it comes to this, or to keep with the waffle pun, I've tried lots of different toppings on my waffle, there was the regular waffle with just butter and syrup, the sprinkling of sugar, and then the chocolat. Mmm, okie not sure where I was going with that one, but hey, I'm trying to be creative.
I was brought up in a house where my mother converted to Catholocism in the early 1970s when she married my dad. She had been raised Baptist, but felt that it would be good for the family to be 'one thing'. This is truly ironic, because it didn't turn out that way at all. My dad is a strict Roman Catholic, a pre-Vatican II baby. My early memories of going to church involve us leaving our house on Sunday evenings to atttend the 5:15 mass. For some reason I only remember going when it was cold, winter or fall, I don't know what we did in the summers. But it was cold, and always dark . The church, at the time, didn't have the same bright lights that it now has, there where tall candle like light fixtures that hung from the ceilings and cast shadows on the alter and down the isles, but it was never bright and cheerful. We would always sit in the same place. The church has a cross shape, with the altar at the head and wings of seats along the side. We always sat in front of the St. Joseph statue, the patron saint of families. The church was drafty, its a huge cathedral and actually gorgeous, despite the morbid picture I'm probably painting. I would sit in between my mom and dad and squirm around in the pew. There was singing, but not the clapping, swaying singing in my grandma's church, this singing was sharp and nasal-like, I remember wanting to know the words, but never quite figuring it out.
My mom would want me to sit up straight and listen, but it was hard for me to sit against the hard pews. My dad would tell her to not worry and let me sleep if I wanted to. At communion time, I'd either walk up with one of them, or stay in the pew. Wanting so badly to partake of the bread and wine, but still having no real idea what it was all about.
At home, I'd often pretend to be a priest. I would take my mom's silver plates out of the curio and put toasted bread on them, the host. Then I'd take a wine glass and get grape juice, the blood. I would pray over the bread and juice and then proceed to give myself communion over and over again until it was all gone.
Most Catholic kids take their first communion around 7 or 8. I didn't do mine until I was at least 10 or 11, I'm not sure why. I did it with my cousin, who was about 8 or 9. I don't know why my parents waited. But its funny because a couple of years ago my cousin laughed as she told me she remembered that when we went through the classes, I questioned everything. I don't remember that at all.
In high school I wanted to be different so to make myself seem like the 'minority' in a Catholic School I would just tell everyone I was Baptist. I wnet to church with my grandma and mom on the weekends (note here, my mom stopped going to Catholic church after I was about 8 or 9, though my bro and I were both Baptised there and had our first communions). I also enjoyed Vacation Bible school, there just seemed to be more fun involved and more kids my age at the Baptist Church. Spiritually, I don't think I was really growing, but my social life sure was.
Skip ahead a few more years, and in college I some how became a religous studies major. I took classes on Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, and the philosophy of Eastern and Western Philosophy. My mom says thats when the trouble started because I began to question everything. I'd always gone to Catholic Schools and we were taught about other religions, so I wasn't ignorant about them, but I became increasingly more curious about other faiths, much to the dismay of my mother and grandmother. But what always confused me, was the fact that my mom converted to a sect of Christianity because she thought it would be 'easy' for the family, and it didn't really stick, she always felt more at home in her old church. What was so different from my questioning and learning about other faiths?
I don't think my faith has waffled- I have always maintained a belief in God, but the system or systems is what gets me sometimes.
At one point, I totally knew where I was going with this, but after eating 6 slices of Pizza Hut pizza, I'm too far gone.
I was brought up in a house where my mother converted to Catholocism in the early 1970s when she married my dad. She had been raised Baptist, but felt that it would be good for the family to be 'one thing'. This is truly ironic, because it didn't turn out that way at all. My dad is a strict Roman Catholic, a pre-Vatican II baby. My early memories of going to church involve us leaving our house on Sunday evenings to atttend the 5:15 mass. For some reason I only remember going when it was cold, winter or fall, I don't know what we did in the summers. But it was cold, and always dark . The church, at the time, didn't have the same bright lights that it now has, there where tall candle like light fixtures that hung from the ceilings and cast shadows on the alter and down the isles, but it was never bright and cheerful. We would always sit in the same place. The church has a cross shape, with the altar at the head and wings of seats along the side. We always sat in front of the St. Joseph statue, the patron saint of families. The church was drafty, its a huge cathedral and actually gorgeous, despite the morbid picture I'm probably painting. I would sit in between my mom and dad and squirm around in the pew. There was singing, but not the clapping, swaying singing in my grandma's church, this singing was sharp and nasal-like, I remember wanting to know the words, but never quite figuring it out.
My mom would want me to sit up straight and listen, but it was hard for me to sit against the hard pews. My dad would tell her to not worry and let me sleep if I wanted to. At communion time, I'd either walk up with one of them, or stay in the pew. Wanting so badly to partake of the bread and wine, but still having no real idea what it was all about.
At home, I'd often pretend to be a priest. I would take my mom's silver plates out of the curio and put toasted bread on them, the host. Then I'd take a wine glass and get grape juice, the blood. I would pray over the bread and juice and then proceed to give myself communion over and over again until it was all gone.
Most Catholic kids take their first communion around 7 or 8. I didn't do mine until I was at least 10 or 11, I'm not sure why. I did it with my cousin, who was about 8 or 9. I don't know why my parents waited. But its funny because a couple of years ago my cousin laughed as she told me she remembered that when we went through the classes, I questioned everything. I don't remember that at all.
In high school I wanted to be different so to make myself seem like the 'minority' in a Catholic School I would just tell everyone I was Baptist. I wnet to church with my grandma and mom on the weekends (note here, my mom stopped going to Catholic church after I was about 8 or 9, though my bro and I were both Baptised there and had our first communions). I also enjoyed Vacation Bible school, there just seemed to be more fun involved and more kids my age at the Baptist Church. Spiritually, I don't think I was really growing, but my social life sure was.
Skip ahead a few more years, and in college I some how became a religous studies major. I took classes on Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, and the philosophy of Eastern and Western Philosophy. My mom says thats when the trouble started because I began to question everything. I'd always gone to Catholic Schools and we were taught about other religions, so I wasn't ignorant about them, but I became increasingly more curious about other faiths, much to the dismay of my mother and grandmother. But what always confused me, was the fact that my mom converted to a sect of Christianity because she thought it would be 'easy' for the family, and it didn't really stick, she always felt more at home in her old church. What was so different from my questioning and learning about other faiths?
I don't think my faith has waffled- I have always maintained a belief in God, but the system or systems is what gets me sometimes.
At one point, I totally knew where I was going with this, but after eating 6 slices of Pizza Hut pizza, I'm too far gone.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Pregnancy Week 17
Well-this is week 17 and seeing as how i've been trying to start (we'll I've started two), so start and keep a pregnancy journal, I decided maybe I'd use the blog as a combo deal.
So- here are my updates and thoughts for this week:
Cucumber, as we call said baby, really has been good this week. As if Cucumber could be bad invitro. If you look at me from the front you really can't see any difference, but from the side, there is a pouch. And oh boy, if I'm naked. Yeah, its kinda scary.
At night, for the past 2-3 weeks, I've had cramps in my legs at night that often cause me to cry out in pain. Then when H doesn't respond, I scream louder. Yes, I am a drama queen. I scream partly becuase of the pain and partly because I'm angry that he gets to sleep soundly and I feel like pooh-pot.
Eating, about normal, I've not gotten that sick feeling anymore, except when I get really hungry, so its like I can't let myself get hungry, so I try to eat as much as I can. Doritos, cookies, tofu, and yes french fries and subs.
I have felt random tingles the past couple of weeks, and I think its the fluids and Cucumber moving around, it feels weird, like a ball rolling in water. But cool, very cool.
I'm going to try and update this weekly and as soon as I get a digital camera, I'll take pics too. Wow! A big brown belly, I know you all can't wait to see that one!
I'm going to go back and post date-some comments because I want to try to do this right, not half-ass like many of my endeavors. So, I'll admit to that now, I'm not trying to cheat.
So- here are my updates and thoughts for this week:
Cucumber, as we call said baby, really has been good this week. As if Cucumber could be bad invitro. If you look at me from the front you really can't see any difference, but from the side, there is a pouch. And oh boy, if I'm naked. Yeah, its kinda scary.
At night, for the past 2-3 weeks, I've had cramps in my legs at night that often cause me to cry out in pain. Then when H doesn't respond, I scream louder. Yes, I am a drama queen. I scream partly becuase of the pain and partly because I'm angry that he gets to sleep soundly and I feel like pooh-pot.
Eating, about normal, I've not gotten that sick feeling anymore, except when I get really hungry, so its like I can't let myself get hungry, so I try to eat as much as I can. Doritos, cookies, tofu, and yes french fries and subs.
I have felt random tingles the past couple of weeks, and I think its the fluids and Cucumber moving around, it feels weird, like a ball rolling in water. But cool, very cool.
I'm going to try and update this weekly and as soon as I get a digital camera, I'll take pics too. Wow! A big brown belly, I know you all can't wait to see that one!
I'm going to go back and post date-some comments because I want to try to do this right, not half-ass like many of my endeavors. So, I'll admit to that now, I'm not trying to cheat.
lil-bit-o-this-lil-bit-o-that
Well this week I got hit with a curve ball. Several. One big one and several small ones. I sincerely believe that when we make plans, God laughs. A good hearty laugh, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way at all. But this has been one of the most difficult things that I've had to learn, and I am still learning this. I am not in control. Do you read that Ilnizzzah? You are NOT in control. Yes, you can decide whether or not to eat pizza or a sub for lunch, but there are many things you can not decide.
That can be o.k.
It will be o.k.
I've learned this week that I have to step back sometimes and let God decide what is going to happen because the more you hold tight to what you thought you wanted or what you want to do, the more you close your fist on your plans, the more you don't allow for anything else to enter into them. See, I have this tendency to decide something and the REFUSE to let go of it. No matter what, I just don't let go. Well, it just so happens that this continues to happen to me, oh so very often. First with one thing, then another. But I think I'm getting it now. As I look back on my life, so much of what has happened to me, so many of the people I've met, the work I've done, has just kinda fallen into place. There are so many awesome things that have happened to me and I could have never in a zillion years planned them. So who did?
That would be, HE.
And this time, I'm going to turn over the reigns early, cause I'm at a point where I don't know what's going on and where I'm supposed to be. I just know that there has to be a plan, somewhere, a path and I'm going to trust that light will shine and show me the way.
That can be o.k.
It will be o.k.
I've learned this week that I have to step back sometimes and let God decide what is going to happen because the more you hold tight to what you thought you wanted or what you want to do, the more you close your fist on your plans, the more you don't allow for anything else to enter into them. See, I have this tendency to decide something and the REFUSE to let go of it. No matter what, I just don't let go. Well, it just so happens that this continues to happen to me, oh so very often. First with one thing, then another. But I think I'm getting it now. As I look back on my life, so much of what has happened to me, so many of the people I've met, the work I've done, has just kinda fallen into place. There are so many awesome things that have happened to me and I could have never in a zillion years planned them. So who did?
That would be, HE.
And this time, I'm going to turn over the reigns early, cause I'm at a point where I don't know what's going on and where I'm supposed to be. I just know that there has to be a plan, somewhere, a path and I'm going to trust that light will shine and show me the way.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Commitment
Had an interesting conversation with my dad two nights ago. I'm amazed because growing up, I never thought he really knew or understood me. We were discussing my fears about becoming a mother, my dislike of work, and my fear of never returning to school*.
Well, he told me that I had no faith and that I'm not grounded. Then he recounted and said that actually there were two things I was grounded in, my husband and my education. He was so dead-on with that it wasn't funnny.
With everythign else I'm a waffle, just not certain about much of anything. I don't know what has caused me to be this way, but its just so true. I love my husband more than life itself and I love education as well. Through my husband I see goodness, with education I see liberation.
Now, this is not to say that I don't believe in anything outside of myself, husband, and education. I would like to say I'm a person of faith (just not sure which one). I find truth and beauty in so many different paths that its so difficult for me to find one that makes me say, this is it! My mother has told me that this is what I get for immersing myself in academia-learning a little bit about everything and questioning/doubting-but istn't that a part of finding faith? Didn't St. Augustine do this? Aristotle? Isn't this how you find out what you really believe?
I guess that I'm also thinking about this now because of the pregnancy and because my family wonders which holidays to buy Cucumber presents for. I've assured them that they should go ahead and buy for all. Except Kawanaza.
I'm such an ass.
*Note, I'm not gonna start a PhD in the Fall of 06 at the moment. Details to follow at a later date.
Well, he told me that I had no faith and that I'm not grounded. Then he recounted and said that actually there were two things I was grounded in, my husband and my education. He was so dead-on with that it wasn't funnny.
With everythign else I'm a waffle, just not certain about much of anything. I don't know what has caused me to be this way, but its just so true. I love my husband more than life itself and I love education as well. Through my husband I see goodness, with education I see liberation.
Now, this is not to say that I don't believe in anything outside of myself, husband, and education. I would like to say I'm a person of faith (just not sure which one). I find truth and beauty in so many different paths that its so difficult for me to find one that makes me say, this is it! My mother has told me that this is what I get for immersing myself in academia-learning a little bit about everything and questioning/doubting-but istn't that a part of finding faith? Didn't St. Augustine do this? Aristotle? Isn't this how you find out what you really believe?
I guess that I'm also thinking about this now because of the pregnancy and because my family wonders which holidays to buy Cucumber presents for. I've assured them that they should go ahead and buy for all. Except Kawanaza.
I'm such an ass.
*Note, I'm not gonna start a PhD in the Fall of 06 at the moment. Details to follow at a later date.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Things you may not have known....
I am tired today. So tired, that I'm almost at that point where just about everything seems funny, except for the fact that I am battling serious indigestion. I should probably admit to the fact that not all of this can be blamed on Cucumber*, I did in fact have Kofta Curry for lunch. My taste for food has changed drastically over the last few months, foods that I normally love, I can't stand. Most of what I eat (and enjoy) has to be filled with tomatoes, cumin, tahini, vinegar, or any combination of sharp serious spices.
Interesting huh?
*Cucumer=baby, because we don't know the gender just yet, so we settled on Cucumber.
Interesting huh?
*Cucumer=baby, because we don't know the gender just yet, so we settled on Cucumber.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Dadspeak
For years my brother and I swore our dad spoke a different language. We call it dadspeak. Some of what he says his totally inaudible-this happens when he gets really excited or worked up-and some of what he says is just a unique mixture of words and phrases that mean something to him and often nothing to the rest of us because we can't translate.
Up until a couple of years ago, I never bothered to even attempt a translation, I've translated Italian, Spanish, and some dialects of English, but never dadspeak. Then I decided I wanted to start telling stories, or writing stories, no scratch that telling stories and then hoping I'd start to write them somewhere, someday, about my dad. So, I started keeping notes about things he'd say. This weekend was priceless, got some good material:
Dadspeak: "If you gon' be holy, be holy, if you gon' be sin-boli, be sin-boli."
Translation: "You can't serve two gods."
Dadspeak: "Prepare for War in a time of Peace."
Translation: "You have to anticipate that at any given moment, the entire world is out to get you. Be paranoid, be very paranoid, and always plan accordingly.
Up until a couple of years ago, I never bothered to even attempt a translation, I've translated Italian, Spanish, and some dialects of English, but never dadspeak. Then I decided I wanted to start telling stories, or writing stories, no scratch that telling stories and then hoping I'd start to write them somewhere, someday, about my dad. So, I started keeping notes about things he'd say. This weekend was priceless, got some good material:
Dadspeak: "If you gon' be holy, be holy, if you gon' be sin-boli, be sin-boli."
Translation: "You can't serve two gods."
Dadspeak: "Prepare for War in a time of Peace."
Translation: "You have to anticipate that at any given moment, the entire world is out to get you. Be paranoid, be very paranoid, and always plan accordingly.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Random Memories
Sade, Smooth Operator
This song came out in 1985, I was 7 years old and I remember riding in my dad's blue pick up and hearing this song. It was a Saturday evening. He was humming, quietly for once, and we were on our way to the Lotus Garden, a small Chinese restuarant on the other side of town from us. I knew his order by heart, beef and broccoli, shrimp fried rice for me and my mom, an orange, and fortuune cookies for me.
I sat on the passenger side and there was no radio installed in the truck. He would either play his music from a tape recorder, or a bike radio. Now, bike radios look like this but they used to look like this. The radio would be propped up somewhere in the truck, usually on the seat in the middle. I remember listening to this song, and riding along Broad Street and seeing the Sauer's lights. At that time I felt like the city was so big, so bright. It probably took only about twenty minutes to get to the Lotus Garden from our house, but it felt like a long ride, like when you crossed over the bridge it was a different world. Everything is different at night though, usually falling into one of two extremes: really good or really bad. Chinese food, listening to Sade, and riding in that old blue truck was good, really good.
***
Mos Def, Respiration
Now, DH (then my boyfriend) lived in that city, on that side of the city right on Broad, less than two blocks from Lotus Garden. And its different now, because the city that I thought was so big and bright now just looks dirty and tight. I feel boxed in, walking the streets I've walked for years, but no longer discovering anythign new or exciting about it.
Instead, what I discover is that people pee on the side of the Subway restuarant, its easy to shut down a city block when you think that floor polish smells like gas, people kill themselves and others in the middle of this street, and men with no legs sit and watch. Those nights were bad, but like Mos says, "You can feel the city breathing, chest heaving."And its true, on those nights the city fought for air, to try to catch its breathe, but there were nights where breathing did come easy.
At the Subway, we find owners who wash their hands, knives, and sandwhich board before they make our sandwhiches and make sure that we don't get no pork on our forks. We find old men who watch out and make sure don't no funny business go on in the buildings, and we also find each other. We are strong because we have to live in this city and we have to watch one another because we are still breathing.
This song came out in 1985, I was 7 years old and I remember riding in my dad's blue pick up and hearing this song. It was a Saturday evening. He was humming, quietly for once, and we were on our way to the Lotus Garden, a small Chinese restuarant on the other side of town from us. I knew his order by heart, beef and broccoli, shrimp fried rice for me and my mom, an orange, and fortuune cookies for me.
I sat on the passenger side and there was no radio installed in the truck. He would either play his music from a tape recorder, or a bike radio. Now, bike radios look like this but they used to look like this. The radio would be propped up somewhere in the truck, usually on the seat in the middle. I remember listening to this song, and riding along Broad Street and seeing the Sauer's lights. At that time I felt like the city was so big, so bright. It probably took only about twenty minutes to get to the Lotus Garden from our house, but it felt like a long ride, like when you crossed over the bridge it was a different world. Everything is different at night though, usually falling into one of two extremes: really good or really bad. Chinese food, listening to Sade, and riding in that old blue truck was good, really good.
***
Mos Def, Respiration
Now, DH (then my boyfriend) lived in that city, on that side of the city right on Broad, less than two blocks from Lotus Garden. And its different now, because the city that I thought was so big and bright now just looks dirty and tight. I feel boxed in, walking the streets I've walked for years, but no longer discovering anythign new or exciting about it.
Instead, what I discover is that people pee on the side of the Subway restuarant, its easy to shut down a city block when you think that floor polish smells like gas, people kill themselves and others in the middle of this street, and men with no legs sit and watch. Those nights were bad, but like Mos says, "You can feel the city breathing, chest heaving."And its true, on those nights the city fought for air, to try to catch its breathe, but there were nights where breathing did come easy.
At the Subway, we find owners who wash their hands, knives, and sandwhich board before they make our sandwhiches and make sure that we don't get no pork on our forks. We find old men who watch out and make sure don't no funny business go on in the buildings, and we also find each other. We are strong because we have to live in this city and we have to watch one another because we are still breathing.
Er-thing is all messy
-in my apartment
-on my desk
-in my head
So, we are moving this week, a temporary six-month move we hope, to a larger first floor apartment to make room for my growing stomach and whats inside. But, the problem is we are trying to move while both working full time jobs, DH going to grad school full time and myself teaching one course. Why-pray-tell are we doing this to ourselves? Everything has been so crazy in the apartment the last couple of days its not been funny. I mean there is stuff er-where. We've been boxing books (most of what we own) and storing some at my mom and dad's house. We've sworn to ourselves that we will only take two boxes of books with us to the new apartment. Two! This is out of a good Twenty! Just two! I've been hiding some randomly in my boxes of clothes. he.he.he.
I'm just trying my best to focus on taking care of myself and the baby. Its hard because I'm just so accostomed to living a fast-paced, stressed out life.
I'm just concerned....and I don't feel like I even have the time to stop and evaluate.
-on my desk
-in my head
So, we are moving this week, a temporary six-month move we hope, to a larger first floor apartment to make room for my growing stomach and whats inside. But, the problem is we are trying to move while both working full time jobs, DH going to grad school full time and myself teaching one course. Why-pray-tell are we doing this to ourselves? Everything has been so crazy in the apartment the last couple of days its not been funny. I mean there is stuff er-where. We've been boxing books (most of what we own) and storing some at my mom and dad's house. We've sworn to ourselves that we will only take two boxes of books with us to the new apartment. Two! This is out of a good Twenty! Just two! I've been hiding some randomly in my boxes of clothes. he.he.he.
I'm just trying my best to focus on taking care of myself and the baby. Its hard because I'm just so accostomed to living a fast-paced, stressed out life.
I'm just concerned....and I don't feel like I even have the time to stop and evaluate.
Monday, November 7, 2005
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
i have decided:
i dont want to feel like gregor anymore.
any suggestions for the following prblems?:
1-still feeling worried about managing a baby and a phd
2- still worried about moving miles y miles away
3-hating the work i do
4- tired and don't feel like i can catch up with the housework, workwork, schoolwork, and movig prepwork.
5-having a hard time making one decision and sticking w/ it,
but i do know this much is true, idont want to eel like a bug anymore.
any suggestions for the following prblems?:
1-still feeling worried about managing a baby and a phd
2- still worried about moving miles y miles away
3-hating the work i do
4- tired and don't feel like i can catch up with the housework, workwork, schoolwork, and movig prepwork.
5-having a hard time making one decision and sticking w/ it,
but i do know this much is true, idont want to eel like a bug anymore.
bugs of lore
um, so, i'm back to feeling like a roach again. i don't know what did it to me, but i got up this morning after a night w/ leg cramps and poor sleep, and just felt like a roach. i did not want to go to work, once i did i got there late and was not pleased w/ myself (nor was anyone else). i know from experience and adivice from other bloggers such as dooce that you have to be careful what you say, so i won't say anything more than the fact is i feel like a roach again.
there is just so much going on right now, that whenever i feel like i have moments of clarity, and they are really rare, but i do have moments where i feel like i know what i'm doing and how i'm going to do it. but then i have days like this where i doubt myself to all hel and all i want to do isbe at home, except i dont even feel comfortable at home now because its dirty and messy and i dont have the energy or time to clean and paint and rearrange the way i'd like to. so, like gregor, i sit and feel like i'm rotting with an apple in my back.
i think the thing that gets me the most about kafka's metamorphosis is just the fact that gregor keeps trying to move, he is freaked out by himself at first, but then he keeps trying to get himself up to go to work, he's like on auto-pilot, or is he? does he maybe just want to keep up with his routine because that is all that he knows, he doesn't know anything else and at a time where you become something you weren't, it stands to reason that you would want nothing more than to hold on to some routine, some string that is normal. but no,not quite because we are also told that gregor has held on to this job because of his parents, because of someone else,
"If I didn't hold back for my parents' sake, I'd have quit ages ago. I would've gone to the boss and told him just what I think from the bottom of my heart. He would've fallen right off his desk! How weird it is to sit up at that desk and talk down to the employee from way up there."
so he didn't like the job in the first place, but feels like he hastokeep on because of his folks, but what happens, what apprecition does he get, after all, he ends up being confined to his room and treated horribly by has family. why does this change occur? why does he put himself through this?
why do i still feel like a roach?
there is just so much going on right now, that whenever i feel like i have moments of clarity, and they are really rare, but i do have moments where i feel like i know what i'm doing and how i'm going to do it. but then i have days like this where i doubt myself to all hel and all i want to do isbe at home, except i dont even feel comfortable at home now because its dirty and messy and i dont have the energy or time to clean and paint and rearrange the way i'd like to. so, like gregor, i sit and feel like i'm rotting with an apple in my back.
i think the thing that gets me the most about kafka's metamorphosis is just the fact that gregor keeps trying to move, he is freaked out by himself at first, but then he keeps trying to get himself up to go to work, he's like on auto-pilot, or is he? does he maybe just want to keep up with his routine because that is all that he knows, he doesn't know anything else and at a time where you become something you weren't, it stands to reason that you would want nothing more than to hold on to some routine, some string that is normal. but no,not quite because we are also told that gregor has held on to this job because of his parents, because of someone else,
"If I didn't hold back for my parents' sake, I'd have quit ages ago. I would've gone to the boss and told him just what I think from the bottom of my heart. He would've fallen right off his desk! How weird it is to sit up at that desk and talk down to the employee from way up there."
so he didn't like the job in the first place, but feels like he hastokeep on because of his folks, but what happens, what apprecition does he get, after all, he ends up being confined to his room and treated horribly by has family. why does this change occur? why does he put himself through this?
why do i still feel like a roach?
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
November 1
I don't even really have the time to write- there is so much going on right and now and so much I do actually want to blog about, but there is no time right now! So here is a list, my way of trying to remember and hoping I'll come backto them:
- homes
- dad stories
- work and what work is and is not
Must remember to write!
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