This number has been disconnected.

My mom and dad's phone got disconnected. From the folk who pay bills way before dem thangs is due.

I know we've hit a bottom.

Like oh, my gosh, Becky, can you believe this? This is like so whack, they like don't have a phone. Oh my gosh, are they like poor? Or like stupid?

No, its called we just have let shit go. But don't you worry, these is just technical difficulties.

We gone get it together.

no words and all words

I'm feeling a lot of different things today and I'm too tired to put full words and sentences around the feelings, so pardon me while I clear my throat with splurges:

-guilt. had to teach all morning and then work all evening, still working (kinda, bit of a break). as a result the babe had to get lugged around with me, feel bad she didn't get to do her normal rountine, had to be outside a bit too much. worried about her cold.

-tired. so. tired. work at the county house. work at my parents house. just work. but can't get ahead. would take me a solid week of working to get ahead. not even talking about housework, but being caught up on the bills and balancing our spreadsheets for all these home repairs.

-work. did i mention i have an article STILL to write? and cfps that i would really like to respond to? and that i'd like to take one class in the spring, but damn if i can't keep shit together now, how can i do it with a class and teaching? and the fact that i want to write...so badly...again.

-eating. not eating the way i should. DH needs to eat better, we need to do it for the babe and we need to exercise. i hate exercise. no i don't. i hate not having the time to do it. i hate making excuses.

-anger. i get angry at myself. at mil. at random people. for no reason. no, i take that back, i do have a reason, most of the time its because of myself.

-county house- ugh. county house. where fore art thou county house. i know where you are, and its coming along slowly but surely, but so slolwy. oh so slowly.

Another week with so much to get done. I need to get organized. i have 3 calendars i'm working with. and none of them work.

Guess who I am for Holloween?

The boogy. woogy. wonder woman

coming clean

I got a much needed haircut yesterday, a total of 3 inches. This is the shortest my hair has ever been and I'm really enjoying it. I've never been one to really put too much into hair, makeup, etc but sometimes its just fun to be pampered. I really wanted to do something different with my hair so the stylist gave me a Chinese bob. I like it.

I realize my posts have been kind of sad, but it seems that as the holidays draw near I'm missing my gma so much more every day. I also went to a funeral last week, my uncle passed (also from cancer) and so I think I've just got death on my mind. Some days I have to fight myself to remember the good days I had with her, and not just her last 3 sick months. Its so hard, I never imagined it would be this way. But the one thing that makes it better is the babe.

Babe some how is intune to what I need. As much as I might think she doesn't understand, she certainly proves me wrong. At just over 5 and 1/2 months I'm in awe of how much she is growing and how smart she is, and I'm not bragging here. She enjoys music, reading, and flipping over. She is brilliant!

My haircut and the babe have actually made me feel much better these past two days. My head feels lighter and my heart warmer with her.

The county house is still being worked on...hoping that the plumbers will come this week and restore working pipes. Hoping the sheet-rocking will be done. Wanting to get more paint. Ooo! and order appliances.

The haircut has done me some good.

missing her.

Some times, since my gma passed, memories come at me out of no where. I can just be driving and all of sudden one will rush over me. Today it happened and it hurt. I was driving down to county house to meet some workers when all of a sudden it just hit me that I hadn't been to my gma's house in well over a month, longer probably. That used to be unheard of. I would go at least once a day, at least. Its hard for me to go now, its even hard for me to drive in that direction. It hurts.

When I have hard or difficult memories, I try really hard to wash the bitterness away with something happy. Last week when this happend and it really started to get at me, I was walking downtown and I just started to think about how many trips my granny and I took down there. On Fridays it was like a treat. We'd take the bus, leaving home around 9 or 10 in the AM and go downtown to pay her bills and just look around. We'd have lunch at the counter of Murphy's and then be back home in time for her stories on TV. Something so simple, but I have it forever.

Today, when it happened I started to think about Sesame Street. Every morning when my mom dropped me off at gma's before she went to work, thats what I watched. Then I'd have a snack, maybe a nap, play outside if I could, and come back in to watch another afternoon episode of Sesame Street, 321 Contact, and whatever else came on PBS..

Here I am, 28 years old, and thats what I think about, those times I treasure. But there is much more, my gma did more than take me on the bus and let me watch TV, its the fact that those simple things were made so special by her. With her.

#453

I am tired.

I want to be in my bed, snuggled in warm pjs, with a good book and some hot chocolate and a really big cookie.

I am at work, in an office with no window (one day, maybe) and I need to read papers. I don't want to read papers.

Tomorrow I have to meet two contractors and hope county house does not fall in on itself, no more than it already has.

I am tired.

Or, in my drawl, "ty-erd".

Procrastination

I should be doing the following:

-finishing a powerpoint presentation
-working on a presentation
-reading a story to babe
-doing stomach crunches
-reading an article
-working on a business plan draft

What I'm doing instead:
-bloging
-reading blogs
-taking funny pics with my mac
-dancing with my bro
-dancing with babe
-eating rice pudding and drinking lemonaide
-not wanting to fill in my calendar for the week
-about to call my DH
-thinking bout taking a bath and reading
-thinking bout going to bed
-wondering why I don't get shit done

#345

This weekend has not turned out to be as productive as I needed it to be. With the long list I made the other day, I can honestly say that not much got done, except for taking care of a babe and loving a babe, which are necessities and fun too.

We went to county house and tried to work more, but that was hard, the former resident of county house is still there (sort of) and said party really didn't want to through away too much stuff. That makes it hard for us to have folks come in and do work and to clean up. But, we are making some process...two room are just about ready to be painted and the plumbers are supposed to start work this week. Hopefully, hopefully we'll be in just as the semester is winding down.

As for my own work, I did not read any papers, nor did I read or research. No surprises there.

I'm going to have to try a different way to get myself to actually get things accomplished. Maybe set smaller goals for each day? Instead of my two page long lists that I'm so fond of.
***

This week we've got more folks coming out to the hosue to work and I start with a 3 week presentation I'm doing for workplace writing/GRE prep. I've also got to prep for my comp class and find a way to remodel a bathroom. I also have to..I don't know what else I have to do.

Arg...

Frrrrrruckkk You

I've just been told that another member of my family has cancer and is dying.

Fuck you cancer.

If you remember, my grandma passed, two great aunts, a great uncle, now my uncle is dying in hospice. My mother-in-law finished her treatements and we are hopeful.

This is just ridiculous. There aren't even any words I have to describe what I feel. I keep doing research and reading and trying to learn more, but right now I can't even focus.

Just saying fuck you cancer

Let's get Organized

Must get Organized....

Okie, no need to panic just have hella lots to do....

1. Take care of babe
2. Take babe for holiday pics
3. Pick paint for rooms
4. Buy paint
Pick flooring
Write review for journal
Uh...read article that needs to be reviewed for said journal by Friday
Read mid-semester papers
Design a prep course for writing for professionals
Continue with VBAC research
Clean county house
Clean county house
Organize cleaning of county house
Sign up for running training
Find a way to get hair/nails done

Not to mention there are tons of articles I've been reading because of the research I've been working on that I hope to post here soon.

I'm a bit pissed because my laptom is a MacBook and I have Safari as the internet browser, Blogspot doesn't recongnize that and so I can't post links like I'd want to.

So they look like this:
http://www.newyorker.com/printables/fact/061009fa_fact

But that is a good article that I want to comment on...just not right at the moment because the babe just woke up and should be sleeping so I can write, but oh well...I'd much rather read Good Night Moon.

G'night

In my house...

County house is trying to break us, not financially, but mentally. We've been fortunate in that we have got some good deals for folks working on the house. We are trying to do a nice job with the restorations, but we don't have thousands of dollars to put in this. However, mentally I think we are all suffering because we don't have a home. We are staying with my parents, most of our stuff crammed either in the babe's pack-n-play or in my mom's old room. We haven't been able to cook a decent meal in months and can't run around in our underwear (babe included because my folks believe in having a babe dressed in layers).

I am hoping that things wil really start to come together after this weekend, the thing is I keep finding myself saying that. After this weekend we should have this done, after this weekend, this, and so on. But really, I am hoping that we can see some change after we work again this Friday and Saturday.

I can't complain too much though. My folks are letting us stay here without giving them any money and they do cook (lots of fried this and fried that, *smile* they are true southerners with their soul food). But I have to admit there has been something comforting about eating in that way. I started eating meat when I was preggers with the babe. Most days, early on, my taste was so off I didn't know what to eat. Then I found Subway's Turkey sub with cheese and LOTS of vinegar. Oh my Lord, I would eat them twice a day. Thus began my transition back into the world-o-meat. I still don't do pork or beef though. But my parents pretty much eat whatever. My mom fries chicken, fish, makes porkchops, roast, a little bit of er-thing.

The past few weekends when she's made chicken or fish, I 've found that my spirits have been higher and I think its because we do turn to food for comfort. And right now that is really what I want.

Wish I could get that served deli style.

visualizing meaning

In class a week ago, my Comp students and I discussed why visuals are so important. We 'see' pictures most often and not words when we are thinking. As we read we don't see the words in our heads, but instead are able to conjure images while we are reading that allow us to connect with the written word.

At Cornell there is a project that is asking professors to do this, to describe or show the most important diagram, or chart, or image that relates to what they do. It's called Visualizing Meaning and it looks really cool.

Any thoughts on what you'd use?

'tis be the Sabbath

Tree is talking about evangelist in her post right here and I can understand this. Around here at this University we often have a man who comes out (with a TV camara and recording equipment) and he shouts about Jesus and religiion and faith and why everyone should be non-denominational and believe in Jesus. Mmmm, sounds like there is definitley a denomination in there. What pisses me off is that the whole thing is so staged, its so much of a set-up that its not funny, but I fear many students get sucked into hearing him talk and end up wasting preciscious time arguing with the dude.

Religion in my family used to be a very private matter, until my brother left the church he was raised in and turned to an entirely different religion. My parents freaked and so did my grandma. They felt like he was turning against them. The sad thing is, this whole event could have been a wonderful way for them to learn more about another way of connecting to God and being a good person, but it just turned out to be ugly. Things are better now, but my bro does worry about who will come to his wedding, if he ever finds a bride. *lol*

Burrr

I'm not feelling well today. And I should be feeling good, today is the last day for two of my intensive classes which means I'll only have to teach one class twice a week in the evenings. As much as I was enjoying the ESL coureses, it was getting to be kinda hard not getting home until like 10M, then having to rush to get the babe fed and ready for bed (or to at least pretend she was going to bed).

So, I think I'm just plain ole worn out. We're still staying with my parents until the coutny house is done, which looks like it could still be another month, and both my mom and dad have had colds. That plus the fact that I'm just not sleeping like I should or eating like I should, has a lot to do with why I'm feeling crappy. My only wish is that the babe doesn't get sick. She has a bit of a cough now and some sniffles too, so I'm trying to be diligent about handwashing and not kissing those chubby little cheeks!

The other nite I had another little melt down, as much as I was all about keeping my eyes on the prize, I still have days where I just feel off. More like, I've fallen off. The other night I saw an old professor and he was like, whats going on, how are things, and I began to break out into a sweat. I just got so nervous because I thought I needed to talk to him about academic stuff and I just started babbling on and on because I really haven't done anything academic- I had a baby for Pete's sake. But at that moment I didn't see it that way, I was sweating and rolling my eyes around and looking trully like a feign. But what I didn't get was that really, I don't have to try and pretend that I'm all academia, there is more to me than just that. I'm a mom now, but for some reason, I just could not get that through my head last night.

I was talking with DH and bro about what happened and they both agreed: you have got to be honest with yourself about your place in life. And I've got to be honest with where I am right now, I'm a new mom, with a gorgeous 5 month old little girl who rightfully commands all of my attention for the moment. I have always had such a hard time with prioritizing, I'm really an all or nothing type of gal. So I think that what has happened now, is that I've thrown myself into the babe and feel guitly if I do anything non-babe related, i.e.:work, research, writing, reading papers, anything that is non-homemaker like. But what I fail to realize is that in order to be a good mother I've also got to be a good woman. Its easy to get lost in the world of diapers and wipes, but I hope that can show my daughter that there is a way to create harmony, maybe not balance because that suggests that everything is equal, while harmony shows that things can coexist. You can't do it all, thats just the bottom line.

For now, I need to focus on feeling better and getting rid of this cold. Then, I've got a house to get in order. I also need to draft a new CV, and work on some CFPs. Oh, and the babe and I got a new toy today! Stacking rings, that's first in order.

Eyes on the Prize

My post was gonna be all about how angry I was because I happened to look at the blog of a person who is in grad school and who is reading stuff I read like 3 years ago and the person is actiing all like this is the best stuff in the world and is all brand new. So I was gonna be all angry and upset and pissy because I was feeling like I should be reading that stuff and writing that stuff because I did that stuff a while ago. So, that was what my post was gonna be. Anger and jealously. But I've decided to redirect my energies.
***

Sometimes I spend so much time reading what other people are doing and thinking about what people are thinking about or trying to think about what they are thinking about me, that I just waste time. Tonite, my bro set me straight. I mean he really did and I needed it. This ain't no time for being focused on what other folk is doing (or saying they doing) this is time for me to do what I need to do.

I've been watching 'Eyes on the Prize' tonight (you can find out more about this program on pbs.org) and it never fails to motivate me. I remember watching this show when I was a kid in middle school. Grades 4-8 piled in a room (I went to a small prodimatley Black Catholic School) and so we could easily fit into one large classroom. We watched the entire series, its basically about the African-American struggle. I didn't realize how important it was for me to know and learn about it, but I always felt good when I watched it and just didn't know why. Now I know that what I was feeling was a connection, a connection to the struggle and to others. While in no way do I think my life even compares to the way folks struggled before, but nowdays things are just different. The issues of race and class are so blurred. Some of my friends who aren't brown folk have experienced many of the same things I did because of class, but there is are still race/color issues. But anyways, when I watch this show I just always had this since of pride and feeling good about where I came from and who I came from. I would listen to stories from my grandma about how when she was a child Jim Crow was rampant. White folk would give little Black boys a penny or two to sit in a window and eat watermelons and peanuts. Schools shut down in her town because folk did not want to integrate.

We have come so far, but have such a long way to go.

Because of all these setbacks and injustices we just have so far to go. I'm thinking bout how we sent our kids into schools to try to integrate and how there would be riots. Riots. Riots, because little girls and boys would go to school. Now there are riots in our schools- us against us. Ridiculous. We are so lost in so many ways, and I don't know how we can get back on that road again- my guess is that it starts small. Hell, I'm feeling lost so let me start with myself.

So, instead of bitching and moaning and complaining and being a hatah, I'm not gonna put that energy out there. I'm gonna put good positive energies out there, and think about folks like Malcolm, Martin, Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglas, the Blackstar, and more local- my granny, my grandpa, those folks who made it even possible for me to be doing what I do.

And made it possible for me to keep dreaming and working towards doing even more.

You da Mama

When she is screaming and feet flying...
...I'm da Mama

When her mouth is sore from teeth prying...
...I'm da Mama

When she has been up for 12 hours straight...
...I'm da Mama

When her diaper is full and cannot wait...
...I'm da Mama

When she has to have milk and her brow is furrowed...
...I'm da Mama

When I got to get papers graded, an article read...
...I'm da Mama

When she need to be feed...
...I'm da Mama

When I got groceries to unload, dishes to wash, a call to make...
...I'm da Mama

When she make that soft cry, that I know is fake...
...I'm da Mama

When she don't sleep, fights a nap, and drops off noddin' in my lap...
...I'm da Mama

When she sit on my lap and watch my fingers as I type...
...I'm da Mama

When we lay on the bed and roll over on our tummies...
...I'm da Mama

When we stand outside and watch the sky above...
I feel so much love. I hold her. I hug her. I keep her tight.
I'm da Mama.

The babe is becoming more mobile. For the past 3 weeks she has been rolling herself over. She does this every oppotunity she gets, its especially fun when changing a poopy diaper.

Tonite, I'm feeling lonely and sad. We are rushing around like mad to get the county house in order so we can move in. My classes are moving slow and I'm missing not being in school. More than anything, I'm missing my granny. She would have been able to help me prioritize house stuff and she'd have known just what to do to soothe the babe's gums from teething. I miss her awful. My bro and cousin were talking about her tonite, just how she always knew just what to do and to say. Her cancer made the last 2 months of her life so horrid, bit she stayed so strong and beautiful to the end. She had to be the strongest person I've ever met in my entire life.

I feel like I need to do something to really honor her life, her legacy, but I'm not sure what. I've been thinking of organizing a walk or something, just something to do. I felt so helpless for her at the end and I miss her so much now, I just need to do something.

And on rainy nights like this, when everyone is sleeping or busy I think of her even more.

The babe keeps me going though it never fails that on nights when I feel really alone, she always either wakes up or stays up and we end up dropping off to sleep together, that helps me not to feel so alone.

Babe is fussing now so I must tend to her.

Just switched to the beta blogger

...does anyone know the difference? i see that i can now attach lables....kewl.

Things I have Learned

This is the end of two of my courses for this semester, I was teaching two intensive English Writing Classes. I want to take some time to write about what I've learned and what I think I need to do to improve my teaching of these classes in the future:

1. Take more time to read the short stories ahead of time. Most of the students are non-native L2 or L3 speakers and they will need quite a bit of time to go over the stories we read.

2. Revamp my own way of thinking that you don't use literature to teach writing. This was something I picked up in grad school and it has stuck with me. That made it really difficult for me. I think I spent too much time sometimes talking about literature and too little time talking about writing. I've got to find a balance and have got to work on letting students know that this class while its focus is writing, is also about how to respond to literature.

3. Design more writing prompts that help connect thinking about writing and thinking about the stories.

4. Find a way to have office hours!

5. Spend more time talking about grammar within our papers, not with worksheets.

6. Give more background on the stories we read and contextualize them for students.

7. Bring in outside articles and have students write responses.

8. Make sure students understand what the class is about before they even begin.

9. Find a way to use more technology.

***On a more personal note***

-Prep for two to three weeks, have backup assignments in case the English of the students is not exactly what was expected.
-Writing games/activites
-Grammar presentations
-Presentation on the stories by students

Don't teach two long classes back to back. You have a babe now and you are way too tired once you get home.

Pump plenty before class so your boobs don't look and feel like cantelopes.

Uhh.

I just feel uhh. I am tired and extremely discombobulated. I don't know if I spelled that correctly and I'm too lazy to do spell check.

There is much still to be done with the house and it gives me a headache. We've been using a uhaul truck almost every weekend to pack and move things around to and from storage. Plus we still have to help DH's mom move this weekend.

Not to mention I still have a zillion things I have to do for work, its hard.

Uhh.