do u remember?

i used to want to be the kangaroo here.

i watched these after school and was always so sure of what i'd do.

these helped me learn about the gov'ment.

and i remember watching these after school or randomly durring the summer, glad i didn't go to this high school.

ah procrastination on the internet and feeling nostaligic is just grand.

i'm tired.

so much. very little done today.

went to a surprise b-day party for a 2nd cousin. realized that while its nice to see everyone, not everyone is doing the big things that you think. also realized that we are all very broken in so many ways.

DH worked tirelessly around the yard today. he finished cleaning up the shrubs and brush that we've had laying around the past few months.

i finally finished a draft of a paper that was due two weeks ago. now i just have the paper to finish. in like, 24 hours. um yeah.

and i got papers from a ye ole universidad that has offerred me a position as a graduate student, yup.

and now i'm trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

1. write paper
2. sleep
3. figure out what to do next
4. go to school?
5. how will i go with a babe.
6. how will i not go with a babe.

writing.

I'm having a really hard time writing the paper for my class that I'm taking. I don't know why. I think I should have picked another topic or maybe its that I'm afraid because the work I've done so far has just been really rough. I think the ideas have been good, but the thinking rough.

Note to self: it takes you time to get your ideas out and then to revise. plan accordingly

Status of me Listings

Now this is my new list (items removed = things DONE)

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).

Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***




Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.


Not bad...some of the other things will just have to wait until tomorrow now because I'm too tired...but I'm feeling like I got things a bit more under control...uh...maybe

how did Babe learn she has control?

Babe has learned that she can say 'no' to food and toys and to us with a wave of her hand, like an army general. I'm not sure how she learned this, I guess because she's done it a couple of times and we've responded that she is saying no to whatever it is we are trying to offer.

Its just amazing to me to be able to watch all the changes and developments she goes through, even if this one means sometimes I get food in my hair and A&D in my eyes.

Get this done.

I have gotten to a point where I'm tired of letting things linger. This semester, actually the past two semesters I'd gotten into a bad habit of starting lots of little projects and not fully completing them. In my own head I guess I was thinking that I'd get more done this way, but it hasn't worked like that at all. I think its also because babe takes such short naps (usually only 2 for about 30 minutes a piece!) so I try to cram a lot into those periods of time which usually means I end up not getting much of anything done.

So I have enlisted my mother in law and DH to help me tonight because I'm feeling very stressed, its the end of the semester and I've got lots going on, so this evening I hope to actually get thing done.

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).
Call my cousin and tell her I don't know if we can purchase her table... we might be downsizing if we move.
Put clothes in dryer and dirty ones in wash.
Eat some dinner.
Go for a walk.
Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***

Respond to student emails.
Email students about final course requirements.
Fill in calendar about my final requirements.
Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.
Make notes for appointments.

If there is still time....
->vacuum floors.

And- look up info on tenure/job prospects
and-Phd school stuff.

thats a lot to do....and its almost 6PM, oh! and I need to watch America's next top Model...gotta love that Tyra

Language and our/My Reality

Kenneth Burke said that "man is a symbol using, symbol misusing animal" (yes, a bit sexist with the language, but you get the gist). He also said that we create our reality by and through books and our symbols systems:

Take away our books, and what little do we know about history, biography, even something so "down to earth" as the rleative position of seas and continents? What is our "reality" for today (beyound the paper-thin line of our own particular lives) but all this clutter of symbols about the past combined with whatever things we know mainly through maps, magazines, newspapers, and the like about the present? (Langauge as Symbolic Action 5)

When I first read this I think I just read it. I didn't really apply it. For me Burke, or rather studying Burke, has been a struggle and an off and on again affair. I came to Burke as a grad student years ago and now return to him for help in my own teaching and writing. But today I saw through even my own terministic screens and I could see how we can become so cluttered with symbol systems that aren't are own, but that come from other places, that we loose touch on what our own understanding(s) is(are).

We cling on to words because thats really all we have for understanding our world. I guess there is something underneath language- something gutteral, like raw emotion, but even when we go to explain those feelings we are grasping for terms. I think about when I gave birth to babe, there are very few words that can really wrap themselves around the dynamics of that event. So, all we have are words and we use them the best we can. Is there any way possible to declutter our symbol systems? To really see and understand what we think or know?

In so many ways....

My dad always hollars about making sacrifices for us. He worked a shitty job for 30+ years and was able to put both my bro and myself through private school grades K-12. He hated his job and it was always known. But he said that he'd made a promise to himself that he'd do it so that he could put us through school and pay for the house, etc. This meant that my parents never had 'nice' cars, expensive clothes, vacations, etc. and now, as a parent myself I think I can begin to understand this idea of sacrifice.

But, what happens when you do sacrifice your work and your kids know it? At the same time are you sending them a message of, "its okie to forget about yourself and what you want?" Or, are you showing them how much you do love them? My dad always came home angry, I guess he could have done a better job of hiding it, and I never did feel like I was the cause of his anger-like I never felt like he was blaming me for his shitty job, I just felt like he was one angry man.

Back to the box.

Internet Powers

The strangest thing has happened. When Tree posted 'If you Blog it it Will Come' I must admit that I didn't think there would or could be any power behind it. My list, included the following:

*To be able to find a full time job teaching.

*To decide what kind of PhD program is going to work best for me.

And within the past two weeks I've had two job interviews for full time teaching positions and an offer of acceptance to a PhD program.

The internet does have power.....

While I don't believe that, I do believe that God doesn't put more on you than you can take and that certain things have to happen before you can take on certain challenges. Why is it, that I have the hardest time understanding that not only am I not in control and that is ok, but there is a higher power that creates order and I need only to relax and proceed as the way opens.

When your Head can't Wrap around a Situation

Today's events at Virginia Tech can't be explained. Tonight in class lots of us were trying to understand what happened today. Trying to make sense of it, but no one could. The irony of the situation is that we were in a class where we've been studying how you can learn about one's motives (and subsequent action) through the study of words. But in this case, I don't know, I don't see how you can understand how someone can murder, when nothing seems like there was anything to provoke the situation. What words can be used to describe this action?

I started watching this on the news today, around lunchtime and watched or listened most of the afternoon and evening. All I can say is that my prayers go out to that community.

Pray.

sigh

Yesterday I went for a job interview. I didn't really get nervous until I got there. I was fine the night before, fine in the car, fine when I walked into the building. Then, the nerves set in. Before I checked in with the interview folks I had some time, so I sat in a lobby to wait. For a minute I totally thought about leaving and hiding in the bathroom. I was able to settle my nerves enough so that I got myself together enough to wait for the interview folk to come get me.

I'd like to think that the interview went well. Reflecting back on it, my only worry is that I might have seemed to anxious to get the job. I mean the truth of the matter is, I am anxious to get the job, but I worry that it might have come across that I would do anything to get the job. Then I worry I laughed too hard at their jokes, or didn't laugh enough. I dunno...it could have been worse, right? I could have danced on the table and marched through the halls playing an imaginary trumpet.

Potpouri Part II of II

Guilt
I am feeling extremely guilty about going to this job interview on Thursday. I feel badly about working full time with babe. I don't know, I teach part-time now and that doesn't seem to bother me, but the idea of committing to working full time (along with the knowledge that also means other job responsibilities) is making me feel nervous and sad. I know that babe would be well taken care of, but its like I feel I should be there with her at all times.

Giddy
I've stumbled upon a really interesting idea about the relationship between language and religion. Not that I created it on my own, I owe it to good ole Kenneth Burke, but I have been trying to come up with a different version of his model and its made me quite giddy. Have you ever spent so much time thinking or working on something that you just get silly with it?

Go
I realized today as I was walking in the city through my old neighborhood that I want to go. I don't quite know where, but its hard for me to find places around here that make me feel good anymore. And maybe, yes I'll admit this, my husband could possible be right, its not the city, but just me. Some times, even when babe is with me I feel lonely. I want someone to talk to and not even about anything important. Just random old talk, and I think those are the times I miss my granny the most. Other times, I'm just so frustrated with having to commute to get to places (grocery store, appointments, work, etc) that I feel like its not always worth the hassle and so I stay at home and then feel really lonely because there aren't many folks around.
But I'm not even sure anymore where I want to go to, or if I'm just running from things within myself.

Potpouri Part I of II

Tomatoes
Tonight I was in Walmart with my mom, she was getting some stuff for Easter dinner. We were in produce and I noticed the tomatoes. I noticed a small package of them, they came in a pack of 3 in a small black plastic container. I remembered those being tomatoes my granny would buy. She'd get them and slice them up for tomatoe and mayo sandwhiches, or turkey and mayo sandwhiches. I didn't need tomatoes and they were expensive, like 2.58 for three, but I wanted to buy them just because they made my granny feel close.

Time
I have an interview. Yes, a real interview for a real teaching position this week, full time con benefits. *gasp* I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I have to use my time wisely the next few days to prepare for the interview, questions, presentation, travel.
I also have an abstract due for a 20 page paper and a CFP to finish for a paper on science and rhetoric, and a journal to index.
My dad says there is enough time in the day to do everything, but I've not figured that out yet.

Tug
Babe is tugging to stand up and walk now. If your sitting on the floor with her she wants to tug at your shirt and stand up, kinda grabbing you like, "Hey buddy, you might not want to move but I do." She's growing. So fast. Now she'll squirm to get down out of your lap so she can play on the floor. I swear, I just brought her home. I just had her, now she is moving around and about to do so independently.

***

Bubbly

Normally feeling bubbly is a good thing, but not if its happening in your stomach. My stomach is bubbly because I feel like I've got a good million things to do and just don't even know where to begin. That plus the fact that I drank so much apple juice today, more than one adult should. We've been trying to give babe other choices for food and drink, more than pureed babe food and milk, but she's not interested in much of anything unless its milk or strawberry yogurt.

So, we had apple juice and dammit I drank most of it. And now my stomach is gurgling.

***
On a side note, I must confess that I did it again. I bought another calendar/planner. I know, I know, its a cry for help because I buy them so damn often. Well, it used to not be that way, I'd buy one at the start of the school semester and that was it. Well, last year when shit started to hit the fan (gma's passing, moving, etc.) I started to buy them left and right because I was searching for one that would organize Me. Doesn't work that way. Well, today I got one, its really pretty and is large enough so I can keep my home lists along with my work lists and agendas all together in one place.

I'm afraid to write in it because my insane schedule might mess it up.
*looks around, flips the pages, things about using one of the new pens she just got, decides pencil is better*

Listing

Things that make me happy

1. Babe can pull herself up to stand with the support of her toy box, or a sofa, or more often, a mom or dad.

2. Babe eats yogurt and doesn't care for yucky sugary puddings.

3. I finally completed something on my list that had been on there for over a year.

4. Warm days that are not too hot or muggy.

5. Eating and drinking good food.

Things that make me sad

1. Missing my granny.

2. Hearing about other people dealing with cancer.

3. Missing having friends around.

4. Being lonely.

5. Sometimes, being alone.

6. Hearing about women who don't have access to health care during and after their pregnacies, deliveries, post-natal period.

Things that make me angry

1. People who don't respond to email.

2. Allowing myself to be shaped by the perception that others have of me, or rather the perception others have of themselves.

3. The fact that I believe so much of what I read.

4. Comparing and Contrasting.

5. Algebra

6. Having to take the GRE again.

7. Having to feel like I'm on the meat market again for school.

Things that make me excited

1. The fact that babe is growing so fast. (kinda sad too)

2. Thinking about school as a real prospect.

3. Thinking.

It only took me a year.

I lament over the excuses my students often give when they are turning in a late assignment: "Um, I forgot until a friend took me out for beers and then I started talking about how stupid this class is, and I'm like, sorry, but then I remembered, but by that time it was like 3 in the morning," "I had too many other issues to write this paper," "You mean we do have homework in this class? I thought it was just about writing." Yada, yada, yada. But I had a writing assignment, a review I was working on, that I should have finished like a year ago, but I just completed it. And it actually feels good. It feels really good.

I went out and got myself two filing boxes to try and organize my workspace here at home a bit more, I have a "Thinking" box and a "File" box, also known as in and out respectively. It does feel good to see things getting out of the Thinking box and into the filing box, makes me feel more accomplished.

I realize that I kinda have to work when the spirit moves me, which is not very often these days, or so it seems. So now I've got an entry to work on for a Hip Hop Journal article, and then I've got to figure out if I'm gonna try to respond to a call for papers about L1 and L2 writers. Then the next thing I want to tackle is my very outdated CV and teaching portfolio. My teaching philosophy I worked on earlier this year and for now I'm o.k. with it, but the portfolio is something I never really developed so now I've got to get that together.

I hope the story about the tortoise and the hare is right, slow and steady.