just one of those days

i am having one of those days where i don't see the point in much of anything. my work feels big. my apartment feels small and dirty. i want a hot plate of good home cooked food. some clean lounging clothes and a good movie on the TV. i want my babe to be feeling better and snuggled on the sofa with me, or playing with her toys. i miss the south. i miss the yard, the trees, yelling at the cats about getting into things, checking my mailbox.

i've come to the discovery that so much of what i had made out to be *such* a big deal is not. but now i've got to push through witht the choices i've made and hope thigns will get better.

missing her. II

there's not a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about my granny in some way. and some days i miss her just horribly, and all the hard memories of her sickness, the last few weeks she was on earth, all of it comes crashing into my head. but then i have days like yesterday.

i'd been looking in the mirror and was getting really exasperated with the fact that i have random gray hairs around my hairline in the front. they aren't long and mixing in with my other hair, but just kinda short and kinky and tight and sitting straight up, to torment me i'm sure of this. so i tried to comb them down, tried to do bangs, whatever. they just continued to fight their way to the top.

so i though of my granny and how she never let her hair go gray because it didn't do it in a 'dignified way' it just looked 'dirty' (her words not mine). and i remember that she would sometimes take some kinda brush with dye or an eyebrow pencil and color in the gray.

i bought mascara. and lets just say i've thickened the gray away and they are right, it doesn't clump or lump.
just gotta hope it is waterproof because i do sweat.

reflection

last night was pretty rough. this has just been a difficult week, so much so that i've wanted to go home several times. really go home, like pack everything and head south..for the winter. and spring. and summer..and..

i think a part of the problem has been that everything is due in the next few weeks: presentations, proposals, reading lists, on top of the teaching i have to do, on top of my family responsibilities that come first (and that are even more difficult when a babe isn't feeling well). so there are all of these layers. today i tried to get things accomplished, but its been hard and somehow i just don't feel like its quite enough, but thats a feeling i've been having for quite some time.

i've made a list and have five things that *must* get done by monday. i'm working on very little sleep right now because i've been trying to get up early and work as well, so i think i'm gonna finish my reading and try to go to bed. i'm not going to accomplish anything as tired as i feel now.

i miss the sun.

i am feeling stressed

and as a result of that irrational.

the babe hasn't been feeling well. i've got a numb spot under my right boob, on my rib cage. i have more work to do than i'd ever imagined was possible. i still have like 3 weekends before i can go home. my dear hubby is popping blackheads on my back. i've been drinking more soda than one woman should. i was on a roll with eating 3 or more good meals a day but now its like one big one and it includes lots of chips and soda. i sometimes feel like i barely have time to sleep, or when i'm sleeping i feel like should be working.

i dont know what to do.

MICHEAL JACSON SAID IT BEST....
Another day has gone
Im still all alone
How could this be

and to add on to that Mary J says...
Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

and then brother mos says why its been so hard for me to even bring myself to write here lately....
I don't wanna write this down, (world... premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now (world... premiere)
I don't wanna take no time to write this down, (world... premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now, hey (world... premiere)

and then he says.....

I ain't no perfect man
I'm trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have
I ain't no perfect man
I'm trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have

and I say...i ain't right.i'm tired. i'm fussy.
i miss homestuff.
i miss me.

why do i have such a hard time welcoming the new and getting rid of the old....

not motivated

everything feels either too big or too boring.

i got most of my work done for a handout, though i'm not even sure if i've done it the right way or if its decent.
i put laundry away.
i cleaned the bathroom and the sofa, believe me they were both in dire need.

now i'm going to play with a babe because she is awesome.

list

We are 8 weeks in to the semester, the midpoint mark and for me that can be dangerous. Because I've not got any real pressing deadlines, pretty much most of my stuff is due at the end of the semester, that means I've got to get myself on some type of plan to get things done before then, because that waiting until the last minute to do a project ain't cutting it no more, 'specially not in these parts.

So, for today I've got a small list, I've found that breaking things up helps a lot more than just long daunting lists that I can't possibly accomplish w/ a babe:

-laundry washed, folded, put away.
-lay out outfits for next week.
-prep handout for class.
-finish models for DH to design.
-post notes for for two reading assignments.
-email a professor about a project.
-notes for project folders.

If I can get through those things...I'll feel very accomplished.

babe took a pooh

in the potty today. funny thing is, i don't even know if she was aware of what she'd done. she wasn't nearly as excited by it as we were.

potty training here we come!

school

is hard. a babe is fun. i have many projects. i want to go home and drink sweet tea and eat fries.

more later.

use your voice

Bro Mos says if you ain't gonna use your voice then you need to shut up


http://videovault.morrisvideos.com/videos/mos-def-blasts-mtv-and-rap-artists

say my name...say my name

last night I'd had a really hard time. Monday's are my long days, I'm practically on campus and working for 12+ hours. so last night, dead tired and just wanting to sleep, i climbed in the bed with babe. we read our customary books and then i hoped she'd nurse and drop off, she didn't. instead she started talking, much of it her normal gibber-gabber but then she said mama! she said mama and hugged me and i felt so good. the best i've felt in such a long time.

in one of my classes we just read a theorists who said that (and i'm doing a horrible job of paraphrasing here,) but basically that babies when they first talk, speak in sentences not just words. because within that one word there is so much other 'stuff' or language going on, but because they only have one word-they have such impact. that one word last night was all i needed.

performance

~~in one of my classes we discuss the performance of language. but it just really got me to thinking about the many performances that make up my day, both in the literal sense and this language sense. at home i perform as mother and it comes quite naturally. when i'm with babe and even when i'm not around her, i still perform as her mother. her care and well being is always in my mind. when i'm at school i perform a diverse array of roles, i'm a teacher, a student, and i guess you'd say a scholar-in-training. those roles are a bit harder for me because its been a while sense i've had to act in this manner and i've got to admit that some of this doesn't come so easy. its like i totally thought i'd trained or been in training to be a student and scholar but i was wrong.

its hard to believe that i'm like 6 weeks into the semester already. i'm starting to work on semester projects and getting approval for others. i find that if i don't think about the 'big' picture and just work on performing my small tasks things are much more manageable...for now.