memorial weekend in review.

She's baaaaaaaaaaacccccccccck.

After almost two years MIA my period returned yesterday. I know, maybe too much info, but this has been a blog where I've tapped into a little bit of everything, from school to work to pregnancy, so there. Ha.

I can't say I missed it at all, that's also one of the other side perks of breastfeeding, you don't have to worry about your period coming back so soon, but now the Babe is munching on mac-n-cheese and sipping juice more each day. She only nurses at night.

The babe is growing up!

December 15. 1997-May 25. 2007

We lost another beloved member of our family. Our dog, General, died early on Friday morning, May 25. 2007

We loved him dearly.

My trip to Walmart

Tonight we had to go by Walmart to pick up random things (wood chips for the grill, light bulbs, diapers for Babe, laundry detergent, you get the picture) and I just took a moment to notice how amazing Walmart actually is.

Where else can you go and buy a Virgin of Guadalupe yard statue, chicken gizzards, hemp string, cheese, and alcohol. Not that I have anything against any of the above mentioned items, I almost got the Virgin statue, bought the hemp and cheese. No go on the gizzards and alchie.

Babe enjoyed herself, she's such a people-watcher, much like her mama. I have more fun sitting in the parking lot than actually going in. My bro and I usually make up stories about the people we say, including narrator's comments, conversation, and setting descriptions. I've done this for as long as I can remember, always making up stories about people that I see, dreaming about what I think their lives are like, what their problems might be.

Sometimes I want to put those things down on paper, just create short stories or character sketches, but I haven't as of yet. Just another thing to add to the good ole list.

post with no name

I've been wanting to write for quite some time, but just have not had the time, energy, or wherewithal (is that even a word) to do so. There has been so much on my mind that I don't even know where to begin. So I might ramble a bit, but I need to get it all out of my head...

Babe
Turned a year old, and its been bittersweet. She is walking now, she starting walking on May 18, at 11:43PM to be exact. And its so weird to watch her now, she can stand and play at her toy box or her little chair and I don't have to stand beside her. She can take out the toys she likes, throw the ones she doesn't. I know why people get 'baby fever' around this time, because you see your little one growing and changing and becoming more independent and it makes you long for those days of just holding them, nursing, naps, rocking. Now she wants to get down on the floor, crawl, dance, and just wiggle about. She got her first pair of shoes tonight.

Moving
I was given the opportunity to begin school this fall. Everything happened really quickly and we've spent the past month trying to adjust to this new change. It does mean moving away from here and starting out in a new environment with no family, no friends, no known resources. But we are thinking that we are going to in fact do this. Its a way for me to finish my education and hopefully get a full time tenure-track job once I'm done. This will be the first time DH and I move away from home, home-home that is. It'll also be really difficult because we have babe now and my family has gotten so attached to her. My mom doesn't even want to talk about us leaving, its that hard. We are worried about how we'll manage without having family around us, because we are so fortunate now to have a good network, but I think we also feel like we've just got to try.
I'm thinking about how sometimes the things that seem so hard and difficult bring the greatest reward and knowledge.

Studenting/Mothering/Othering
I've seen myself solely as a mom for the past year. I mean I've been only in mom-mode, so its kinda hard for me to think of myself as being something else. Its important for me to establish an identity outside of being a mother, because sometimes I find that I miss old things I used to do, and I wonder if that's why I feel so 'different and at times lonely. I used to journal on a regular basis and read. I'd go through books like crazy. Honestly, I just didn't have the time for that this past year with Babe and all, but slowly I'm trying to welcome some of those old things back into my life again. Realizing that I'm not the same person who could read 3 books in a week, but just because I can't doesn't mean that I have to give that love up all together, it just means I can read 1 at a time, or that I might not journal as frequently, but I can still do those things, its just me doing them in a different way.
Thinking about going back to school and getting back into teaching and writing and researching has made me worry a bit, because I feel like I'm different now, I'll be a different kind of student, but I'm still trying to convince myself that doesn't mean I'll be a bad student. I think there are some things I've learned from being a mom that most definitely can benefit me as a student. Maybe I needed to learn some of those lessons before I went to school.

So, there is a hecka of a lot going on right now and I'm gonna try to keep up with my posting, but with a walking Babe now....I'm spending more time running.

No Sweet Tea

We travelled up North, CNY to be exact, to visit because I've been admitted into a PhD program for this fall. I'm happy to report that we got lost several times, never quite made it to any of the appointments we had to look at places, and had no sweet tea. It was really weird. We stopped in several restaurants, grocery stores, and little snack shops around the area and no one had sweet tea. I must admit that I was very disappointed and upset, I usually drink sweet tea with every meal (except breakfast). I didn't know this was such a southern phenomena until this trip when there was no sweet tea the entire time up there, even on the road, until we got to Maryland. That must be the sweet tea cut-off line, some mysterious line made up of ice cubes and sugar cane, and tea bags.

We got lost throughout the city, but it paid off because we were able to figure out places that we didn't really like and places that weren't originally recommended to us, that we just happened to find. Now the hard part is trying to find a place that will allow our dog, it doesn't seem like ye ole city up yonder is too pet friendly when it comes to renting.

Babe did really well driving up there, but the way back was harder because we traveled during the day and she got very fussy at the end. We all did.

checking in

This week has kept me so busy. Finishing up the end of the semester for the classes I was teaching and the class I take, along with birthday celebrations, and preparing for a trip up to the ye ole norf. We are going to go look at places up norf because, well, dammit, I'm going back to school.

I'm hungry now and want to write more, but a cheesey enchilada is calling my name...and I'mma go answer.


A Babe update
**Babe can snap her fingers to music. I was at least 10 or 11 before I figured that out. Her dad was 20. Clearly, she already superceeds us. Pure genius.**

Tis be my Birthday....

...watch me do the birthday dance! Arrrrrreba! Ole!
cha cha cha ....
After partying like it was 1999 all weekend for Babe's birthday, today is kinda quiet and I'm not complaining. I am now 29 years old. Wow. I don't feel weird about getting older and 29 doesn't feel that old to me. My granny used to say you don't feel different until you hit 5o, then things just start to change. But I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I've got a paper to turn in that I stayed up until 2 in the morning writing! and an exam to take in about an hour.

I didn't really ask for much this birthday, except this. And I'm very happy because DH is actually getting it for me. I had a red and white one as a kid and I haven't ridden in years, so I look forward to this exercise again.

Birthdays have been kinda hard in my family because granny used to coordinate the birthday festivities, a cake, party hats, singing, all that stuff. So we've each found different ways to change and still honor the tradition. This year I decided that each year I'm going to make myself a birthday promise, something that I'll do for myself to make myself a better person.

This year's birthday promise: I just want to really stop the bull shit. And I mean that in oh so many ways. No need to 'splain Lucy.

My first birthday.

Today is Babe's 1st birthday. We spent the day opening presents (her favorite have been Backyardagain clip-ons, an activity cube, blocks, and a Vera Bradley purse), taking many pictures, and just remembering how she got here and what a wonderful year of milestones we've had with her.

Babe arrived in this world via cesarean birth. While I had general anesthesia (long story, but all was well, believe me, all was very well as I slept and felt no pain after 15 hours of the hardest work I've ever done in my life) I was not awake when she first came out, but once I was awake the first person I saw was Babe. She was tiny and swaddled and had been placed at my breast to nurse by our doula. She was gorgeous. DH and I spent the rest of the night and early morning looking at her, listening to her cries, and trying to fill out endless paperwork about her name. Those first few days are a blurr to me now. I know that I went home after 3 days, she slept no longer than 30 minutes at a time, sometimes 40 or 45, and she had a scream that could peel paint off of walls. I remember charting everything, from pees to poohs, to how long she cried, to which breast she nursed on, to pimples on her nose. We barely left the house, except for a doctor's visit to check her weight and height. It was a wonderful week. Those weeks moved into months and many other special things, the first time she tried holding her head up by herself (about 3 weeks), the first time she smiled and cooed at us-about 2 months (randomly she did it at 2 1/2 days), the first time she sat up by herself Thanksgiving, her first visit to see Santa, moving into our first house, the first cruising steps (9 months), crawling (11 months-2 weeks ago to be exact), and now her first birthday.

I honestly don't know where the year has gone, while not every moment has been spectacular, some have been down right scary (her first big fever in the middle of the night, her first temper tantrum in a store-over hot dog buns) and some have been sad (the loss of her great-grandma at 6 weeks old), every moment has propelled me towards this: there hasn't been anything greater to happen to me than this, being a mother.

Reflections..honest

This semester I took a class because I wanted to get back into the swing of school and because I simply adore learning. This semester I took a class with a babe, something I've never done. This semester I became The Student I Dread. How did this happen? Well, lets reflect on my behavior:

• I missed more than the allotted 'free miss' days. I missed 3 to be exact.
• I emailed the professor with questions that I could have answered had I been in class.
• I told the professor that I'd had difficulty finishing an assignment because of personal things at home, namely not having time with a babe to write/research on time.
• I turned in 2 assignments late.
• I did not always read the book.

I dread the fact that I didn't fully utilize this opportunity. Why did I act in this manner? I am a teacher I should know better. I should have planned my time better, should have lined up babysitter assistance so that I could complete homework assignments. Should have made my own deadlines instead of the ones on the syllabus because I know what kind of writer I am, I have to have many mini-writing sessions because I'm not good at just sitting down and cranking things out in long periods of time. So what I have I learned for the future?

• You have a babe. That means you might miss more than the allotted number of classes sometimes. Plan accordingly and don't skip a class one night just because you are lazy* (or afraid of getting a paper back), realize that you may need to save your free 'miss' class in case a babe needs you to take off for legitimate reasons.
• Refer to the first bulletin. But also, don't be afraid to ask questions for clarification.
• Be honest. Don't feel guilty because you have a child and are going to school. You still deserve to be here. But also realize that you've got to budget your time accordingly and this means that you must work in a different way than from how you once worked before, pre-babe.
• Again, time management-and deadlines.
• Just read the damn book.

Much of what I learned about myself this semester is that I do need deadlines. I do need some type of structure. And more than that, I do belong in school, even with a babe. Babe has taught me so much about myself this semester its not funny. That's for another post...

*much of my laziness comes from fear. I fear I'm not going to have the 'smartest' or 'wittiest' answer, or something that the teacher wants to see, so I dread doing the work, thus putting me on a cycle of dread-fear-dread-fear-get too tired from all the dreading and fearing and don't do any doing.

do u remember?

i used to want to be the kangaroo here.

i watched these after school and was always so sure of what i'd do.

these helped me learn about the gov'ment.

and i remember watching these after school or randomly durring the summer, glad i didn't go to this high school.

ah procrastination on the internet and feeling nostaligic is just grand.

i'm tired.

so much. very little done today.

went to a surprise b-day party for a 2nd cousin. realized that while its nice to see everyone, not everyone is doing the big things that you think. also realized that we are all very broken in so many ways.

DH worked tirelessly around the yard today. he finished cleaning up the shrubs and brush that we've had laying around the past few months.

i finally finished a draft of a paper that was due two weeks ago. now i just have the paper to finish. in like, 24 hours. um yeah.

and i got papers from a ye ole universidad that has offerred me a position as a graduate student, yup.

and now i'm trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

1. write paper
2. sleep
3. figure out what to do next
4. go to school?
5. how will i go with a babe.
6. how will i not go with a babe.

writing.

I'm having a really hard time writing the paper for my class that I'm taking. I don't know why. I think I should have picked another topic or maybe its that I'm afraid because the work I've done so far has just been really rough. I think the ideas have been good, but the thinking rough.

Note to self: it takes you time to get your ideas out and then to revise. plan accordingly

Status of me Listings

Now this is my new list (items removed = things DONE)

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).

Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***




Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.


Not bad...some of the other things will just have to wait until tomorrow now because I'm too tired...but I'm feeling like I got things a bit more under control...uh...maybe

how did Babe learn she has control?

Babe has learned that she can say 'no' to food and toys and to us with a wave of her hand, like an army general. I'm not sure how she learned this, I guess because she's done it a couple of times and we've responded that she is saying no to whatever it is we are trying to offer.

Its just amazing to me to be able to watch all the changes and developments she goes through, even if this one means sometimes I get food in my hair and A&D in my eyes.

Get this done.

I have gotten to a point where I'm tired of letting things linger. This semester, actually the past two semesters I'd gotten into a bad habit of starting lots of little projects and not fully completing them. In my own head I guess I was thinking that I'd get more done this way, but it hasn't worked like that at all. I think its also because babe takes such short naps (usually only 2 for about 30 minutes a piece!) so I try to cram a lot into those periods of time which usually means I end up not getting much of anything done.

So I have enlisted my mother in law and DH to help me tonight because I'm feeling very stressed, its the end of the semester and I've got lots going on, so this evening I hope to actually get thing done.

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).
Call my cousin and tell her I don't know if we can purchase her table... we might be downsizing if we move.
Put clothes in dryer and dirty ones in wash.
Eat some dinner.
Go for a walk.
Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***

Respond to student emails.
Email students about final course requirements.
Fill in calendar about my final requirements.
Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.
Make notes for appointments.

If there is still time....
->vacuum floors.

And- look up info on tenure/job prospects
and-Phd school stuff.

thats a lot to do....and its almost 6PM, oh! and I need to watch America's next top Model...gotta love that Tyra

Language and our/My Reality

Kenneth Burke said that "man is a symbol using, symbol misusing animal" (yes, a bit sexist with the language, but you get the gist). He also said that we create our reality by and through books and our symbols systems:

Take away our books, and what little do we know about history, biography, even something so "down to earth" as the rleative position of seas and continents? What is our "reality" for today (beyound the paper-thin line of our own particular lives) but all this clutter of symbols about the past combined with whatever things we know mainly through maps, magazines, newspapers, and the like about the present? (Langauge as Symbolic Action 5)

When I first read this I think I just read it. I didn't really apply it. For me Burke, or rather studying Burke, has been a struggle and an off and on again affair. I came to Burke as a grad student years ago and now return to him for help in my own teaching and writing. But today I saw through even my own terministic screens and I could see how we can become so cluttered with symbol systems that aren't are own, but that come from other places, that we loose touch on what our own understanding(s) is(are).

We cling on to words because thats really all we have for understanding our world. I guess there is something underneath language- something gutteral, like raw emotion, but even when we go to explain those feelings we are grasping for terms. I think about when I gave birth to babe, there are very few words that can really wrap themselves around the dynamics of that event. So, all we have are words and we use them the best we can. Is there any way possible to declutter our symbol systems? To really see and understand what we think or know?

In so many ways....

My dad always hollars about making sacrifices for us. He worked a shitty job for 30+ years and was able to put both my bro and myself through private school grades K-12. He hated his job and it was always known. But he said that he'd made a promise to himself that he'd do it so that he could put us through school and pay for the house, etc. This meant that my parents never had 'nice' cars, expensive clothes, vacations, etc. and now, as a parent myself I think I can begin to understand this idea of sacrifice.

But, what happens when you do sacrifice your work and your kids know it? At the same time are you sending them a message of, "its okie to forget about yourself and what you want?" Or, are you showing them how much you do love them? My dad always came home angry, I guess he could have done a better job of hiding it, and I never did feel like I was the cause of his anger-like I never felt like he was blaming me for his shitty job, I just felt like he was one angry man.

Back to the box.

Internet Powers

The strangest thing has happened. When Tree posted 'If you Blog it it Will Come' I must admit that I didn't think there would or could be any power behind it. My list, included the following:

*To be able to find a full time job teaching.

*To decide what kind of PhD program is going to work best for me.

And within the past two weeks I've had two job interviews for full time teaching positions and an offer of acceptance to a PhD program.

The internet does have power.....

While I don't believe that, I do believe that God doesn't put more on you than you can take and that certain things have to happen before you can take on certain challenges. Why is it, that I have the hardest time understanding that not only am I not in control and that is ok, but there is a higher power that creates order and I need only to relax and proceed as the way opens.

When your Head can't Wrap around a Situation

Today's events at Virginia Tech can't be explained. Tonight in class lots of us were trying to understand what happened today. Trying to make sense of it, but no one could. The irony of the situation is that we were in a class where we've been studying how you can learn about one's motives (and subsequent action) through the study of words. But in this case, I don't know, I don't see how you can understand how someone can murder, when nothing seems like there was anything to provoke the situation. What words can be used to describe this action?

I started watching this on the news today, around lunchtime and watched or listened most of the afternoon and evening. All I can say is that my prayers go out to that community.

Pray.

sigh

Yesterday I went for a job interview. I didn't really get nervous until I got there. I was fine the night before, fine in the car, fine when I walked into the building. Then, the nerves set in. Before I checked in with the interview folks I had some time, so I sat in a lobby to wait. For a minute I totally thought about leaving and hiding in the bathroom. I was able to settle my nerves enough so that I got myself together enough to wait for the interview folk to come get me.

I'd like to think that the interview went well. Reflecting back on it, my only worry is that I might have seemed to anxious to get the job. I mean the truth of the matter is, I am anxious to get the job, but I worry that it might have come across that I would do anything to get the job. Then I worry I laughed too hard at their jokes, or didn't laugh enough. I dunno...it could have been worse, right? I could have danced on the table and marched through the halls playing an imaginary trumpet.