Not Real.

The move to new city from ye old lonely road has been like climbing a mountain with flip flops on. Quite literally.

I knew that there would be obstacles, but had no idea what I'd face. I think that should serve as a reminder as to why its so important to *not* worry. When we worry over things that haven't happened yet, its just like wasted energy. I would have never guessed that any of what has happened would happen and the things that I've worried about have not materialized. I have however learned that I am much stronger than I thought. I've also learned that quite often I make more to do over people than is necessary*more on this later.

But for right now, I'm still climbing up with the flip flops. Hopefully I'll get new shoes tomorrow.

a Burning Bush

Driving home tonight I saw a burning bush, quite literally. Shrubs that framed an office parking lot were ablaze. The flames must have reached at least 10 feet in the air. This was all very apropos considering the day I had:

Woke up with a very happy babe, who then begin throwing up not 10 minutes after she'd gotten out of bed.

Stumbled into the kitchen to try to find her some crackers and soda to help settle her belly, finding nothing became angry and decided I'd have to go to the store. We've been trying not to keep so much food in the house because of the impending move, but as a result of this we've eaten out way too much and not had a decent breakfast in weeks.

Drive to the store, hear my cell phone beep and check to find a call. Find that there is some trouble with our move. Without going into too much detail, due to circumstances beyond my control and because of things (or situations rather) that have been placed upon me there is concern that I've not followed a procedure with the department.

Try to solve above situation whilst shopping for food for family and check on sick babe.

Realize that nothing really matters outside of sick babe and give up on above situation.

Come home to a babe who is feeling much better, clean up and call my mother to talk.

Call, throw a fit and have a mini emotional breakdown. Realize I'm being stupid because I've done all that I can do and what I believe is right to do.

Feel that I don't want to go anywhere any more and now have to pack and leave feeling just that way.

Things I need to Remember

I've been spending quite a bit of time (maybe too much) reading the blogs of folks who are in PhD programs, or grad schools of some sort and have been collecting bits and pieces of knowledge. So I'm composing a list of things I think I should remember:

keep a journal and it doesn't have to be one just for academics.
exercise: tis be good for mind, body, and soul.
keep the soul healthy.
eat well.
exercise in case you eat too well.
family time is a MUST.
couple time is a MUST.
not everyone is as smart as they seem.
keep organized in whatever fashion works for you.
plan fun things outside of school.
remember that school is NOT everything.
make use of opportunities given by school (library, movies, discounts, etc).

Frankenstein Life

Tomorrow is the first of many lasts. DH has his last day of work at the place he's been for the past seven years. He's been through a lot there, we got engaged when he first started working there, were married, had our first babe, his mom got sick, my granny died, so they've seen DH through a lot of changes, a lot of changes. I think his leaving is bittersweet. He's wanted a change, but has enjoyed some of what he's done. He's grown to think of some of his office mates as family and others, well, I guess its just best to let it be at that. I think its weird for me because it makes the move even more real. It was real before when I started moving things into the living room in our things to take pile, but now that DH is saying goodbye to his job, I don't know I guess I really see things coming together (so why do I feel like they are falling apart?).

The past week has been really hard on me. Honestly, I've had a hard time sleeping at night and have just felt really anxious, my eating habits have been poor and I've also not been riding my bike or doing any exercise. Most of my 'free' time has been trying to plunge through books, reorient myself with my field of study, prep things for the move, or to just worry. And I'm just sick of it now. Its really annoying me now. I'm usually a nervous nelly, but I'm tired of letting my fear(s) just control my thinking. Every new thing I experience I don't allow myself to just experience sans nervousness. So I'm really deciding to just stop. Here is a list of the things I am going to stop doing:

*talking in absolutes about everything.
*thinking that everything has to turn out poorly.
*guessing.
*trying to be a fortune teller.
*telling myself I'm not smart (enough).
*wasting time.
*worrying about not being able to control the worrying.

True Conffession

I have only 11 days until we move. I am nervous. I have never been this far away before from my bro, mom, dad, aunts, cousins, etc. but I am also a bit excited. I am also very thankful that my babe and husband are coming with me. I'm kinda surprised because quite a few folks have asked me if they were coming or staying here. I can't imagine doing this by myself but even more so I can't imagine leaving them. I know that sometimes people have to have long distance relationships, but its not something I would choose to do with my family.

I can't believe that its almost time for me to be back in school again. I think I've fantasied and worried about it for so long that now that the time is here I'm almost feeling so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do.

...feeling....overWHELMED.....

gonna go make dinner..salad and ice cream sandwiches.

listing...listing...listing

Well, I'm off to a pretty good start. I finished everything on my list except for filling out the calendar and making a list for tomorrow, but I can go ahead and do that now:

Teaching folder Cont'd
Call cable company for move
READ required books

Not bad considering how hot it is here and the heat has zapped me. There is another heat advisory for tomorrow, so if I need to go out I've got to make sure that we do it before noon.

We had sushi for dinner (veggie-yum) and its too hot to cook so I'm gonna have to make salad or something for tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a caesar salad and fruit salad or ice cream sandwiches for dessert. Or gazpacho. I dunno.

The babe had her 15 month check up today. She is almost 30lbs and is 30 inches. A short plump babe.

Still got work to do and I'm getting tired.

nuff for now

listing

My pet peeves:

1. prepaid phones that don't work and dads who won't listen about getting regular cell phones.

2. packing things.

3. spending money.

4. people who you email and they don't respond to the email but send you forwards about random ish.

5. moving far far away.

6. being so attached to my family.

7. cooking.

8. having summer reading.

9. being addicted to buying planners and calendars.

10. family stuff that reminds me of the fact my gma isn't here.

11. worrying.

12. having to get shots for school.

13. listing.
*****
Its count down time for our move and I think that this is where all of this is coming from. I'm feeling antsy, having a hard time sleeping and just making lists and buying planners and trying to remember stuff and spending so much time about worrying and being afraid that I'm not getting much of anything done. I'm realizing this even as I typed up the list above, I'm not accomplishing anything instead I'm being mobilized by my fear and worry. And both are useless at this point.

So....with a deep cleansing yoga breathe, my new list:

Things I would like to accomplish Monday

1. Babe has a 15 month check up and I need copies of her immunization records.

2. I need to put my stuff for teaching in a new binder.

3. Start making stacks of the books I want to take.

4. Fill out the LAST calendar I plan to purchase until it expires! no matter if I see another one that I think will make me more organized or efficient, I'm loosing time with just the buying of the calendars. Fill in dates for school, vacations, and phone numbers.

5. Make another list for Tuesday.

--Read!