In the weeks immediatly following my grandma's death, sometimes I 'd find myself in the car driving with no real destination. It was the strangest thing. I'd get up in the morning and just feel like I could not stay in my apartment. I'd pack up the baby bag, feed and dress the babe and then get in the car. I'd sit in the parking lot and try to find someplace to go. I usually ended up at the Chic-fil-a near my parents house. If it was before 10:30AM I would order a number 1, chicken biscuit and tots and an iced tea. If it was after 10:30, I'd order a number 2, grilled chicken sandwhich with fries and an iced tea.
I'd park in the lot, eat my food and then drive. I would drive in hopes that I could find a house for us to buy. I knew what I wanted, something small, cozy, with a large yard for the dogs, and a fireplace. I wanted like a coattage style or cape cod. I never found that house.
For the longest time I've been trying to find a place that just feels like home. I can't quite find a place that fits. I know now that I miss the space we (babe, DH, dogs and I) had in the apartment, not the actual apartment, but what I miss is just being able to move around in my own space. I miss fixing tea at 2 in the morning, or pizza, or walking around in my underwear. I miss sharing that space with DH and babe.
We are working towards getting the county house together, but it just doesn't feel like home. I think its because it still feels so much like the other person still resides there, and well she does. She also has not changed anything in over 20 years or so. I need to find ways to put my own touch on things.
None of this is happening the way I thought it would, but I never seem to be able to have plans that work that way, do any of us?
I'm afriad, even as I post about wanting roots that these might be my roots forever, what if I don't leave? The house feels heavy and I'm really wanting to find a way to make it feel different. Different from the first time I walked through the door and felt like I shouldn't be there. Different from the first time I drove past with DH and knew I wasn't allowed to be there. Different from how I imagined it when I didn't even know the person who lives there.
Everything just feels different. But how do I make different my own? I'm tired of running.
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2 comments:
Re: "what if I don't leave?" It is a beautiul area, not a bad place at all to be rooted in.
You'll make it your own. there's no need to worry about that. It will happen without trying or thinking about it.
Yarrr. It be talk like Pirate Day. Avast and yo ho!
No, you know you make a really good point. Dare I say ( in pirate language of course): Yarr, me thinks, me is afraid of not being succesful matey. Yarr, for some reason me thinks if me stays here me will not be successful. Yarrr there be that word again matey!
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