inhale....exhale...

My disappearance from the blogosphere has not been intentional. As the family has moved from the ye ole south to the ye ole north for me to become a student again, we've had quite the experience. Some things I will come back to and talk about, others I won't. Not out of fear but just because I plain ole don't want to bring back yucky vibes and feelings.

Let us just say that for now we are still working on settling in. Its amazing the things you take for granted...like knowing where the music store is (and what time it closes), having a good mall, knowing where to get your groceries, knowing where the bank is, where to find cheap gas, and just overall having a place that you feel like you can call home. I'm really big on space. Maybe its because I've always had issues with space, like I never really felt at 'home' when I was at home, only when I was at my granny's house, and then when DH and I first got married and had our first apartment, that felt like home. If you peruse back through some of my posts, I also took issue with the 'home' that we built/reconstructed in the country. I had issues with being able to claim that space.

Well...that's a different story for a different day. But, we are settling into our space and trying to claim it as our own. Babe already has, every room is hers, filled with books, toys, clothes, and her new favorite things: shoes. We went shoe shopping last night with my mom (oh yeah, we came back to the south for a visit this weekend..I know...I should be back reading...but everyone needs to step away...) but anyways..we went to get shoes, her feet seem to outgrow shoes/socks about every three months. She tried to take every shoe off the shelf and hold it up to her foot. Thankfully, the people in the shoe store were really nice, it probably helped that my mom, aunt, and I were busy trying to put everything back the minute Babe would jerk it down.

Babe truly has a personality of her own. She is very bossy and sassy and I use those adjectives in the best of all possibly ways. She commands attention and knows how to express herself very well. Her vocab consists of: Papa, Dada, milly moo (milk), Big Bird, Cookie, Hi, and Bye. Its like one day something just turned on and she all of a sudden was just talking.

Like right now, the babe is calling she wants to read her Big Bird book, again. But its the best thing.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." - Kevin Arnold

Not Real.

The move to new city from ye old lonely road has been like climbing a mountain with flip flops on. Quite literally.

I knew that there would be obstacles, but had no idea what I'd face. I think that should serve as a reminder as to why its so important to *not* worry. When we worry over things that haven't happened yet, its just like wasted energy. I would have never guessed that any of what has happened would happen and the things that I've worried about have not materialized. I have however learned that I am much stronger than I thought. I've also learned that quite often I make more to do over people than is necessary*more on this later.

But for right now, I'm still climbing up with the flip flops. Hopefully I'll get new shoes tomorrow.

a Burning Bush

Driving home tonight I saw a burning bush, quite literally. Shrubs that framed an office parking lot were ablaze. The flames must have reached at least 10 feet in the air. This was all very apropos considering the day I had:

Woke up with a very happy babe, who then begin throwing up not 10 minutes after she'd gotten out of bed.

Stumbled into the kitchen to try to find her some crackers and soda to help settle her belly, finding nothing became angry and decided I'd have to go to the store. We've been trying not to keep so much food in the house because of the impending move, but as a result of this we've eaten out way too much and not had a decent breakfast in weeks.

Drive to the store, hear my cell phone beep and check to find a call. Find that there is some trouble with our move. Without going into too much detail, due to circumstances beyond my control and because of things (or situations rather) that have been placed upon me there is concern that I've not followed a procedure with the department.

Try to solve above situation whilst shopping for food for family and check on sick babe.

Realize that nothing really matters outside of sick babe and give up on above situation.

Come home to a babe who is feeling much better, clean up and call my mother to talk.

Call, throw a fit and have a mini emotional breakdown. Realize I'm being stupid because I've done all that I can do and what I believe is right to do.

Feel that I don't want to go anywhere any more and now have to pack and leave feeling just that way.

Things I need to Remember

I've been spending quite a bit of time (maybe too much) reading the blogs of folks who are in PhD programs, or grad schools of some sort and have been collecting bits and pieces of knowledge. So I'm composing a list of things I think I should remember:

keep a journal and it doesn't have to be one just for academics.
exercise: tis be good for mind, body, and soul.
keep the soul healthy.
eat well.
exercise in case you eat too well.
family time is a MUST.
couple time is a MUST.
not everyone is as smart as they seem.
keep organized in whatever fashion works for you.
plan fun things outside of school.
remember that school is NOT everything.
make use of opportunities given by school (library, movies, discounts, etc).

Frankenstein Life

Tomorrow is the first of many lasts. DH has his last day of work at the place he's been for the past seven years. He's been through a lot there, we got engaged when he first started working there, were married, had our first babe, his mom got sick, my granny died, so they've seen DH through a lot of changes, a lot of changes. I think his leaving is bittersweet. He's wanted a change, but has enjoyed some of what he's done. He's grown to think of some of his office mates as family and others, well, I guess its just best to let it be at that. I think its weird for me because it makes the move even more real. It was real before when I started moving things into the living room in our things to take pile, but now that DH is saying goodbye to his job, I don't know I guess I really see things coming together (so why do I feel like they are falling apart?).

The past week has been really hard on me. Honestly, I've had a hard time sleeping at night and have just felt really anxious, my eating habits have been poor and I've also not been riding my bike or doing any exercise. Most of my 'free' time has been trying to plunge through books, reorient myself with my field of study, prep things for the move, or to just worry. And I'm just sick of it now. Its really annoying me now. I'm usually a nervous nelly, but I'm tired of letting my fear(s) just control my thinking. Every new thing I experience I don't allow myself to just experience sans nervousness. So I'm really deciding to just stop. Here is a list of the things I am going to stop doing:

*talking in absolutes about everything.
*thinking that everything has to turn out poorly.
*guessing.
*trying to be a fortune teller.
*telling myself I'm not smart (enough).
*wasting time.
*worrying about not being able to control the worrying.

True Conffession

I have only 11 days until we move. I am nervous. I have never been this far away before from my bro, mom, dad, aunts, cousins, etc. but I am also a bit excited. I am also very thankful that my babe and husband are coming with me. I'm kinda surprised because quite a few folks have asked me if they were coming or staying here. I can't imagine doing this by myself but even more so I can't imagine leaving them. I know that sometimes people have to have long distance relationships, but its not something I would choose to do with my family.

I can't believe that its almost time for me to be back in school again. I think I've fantasied and worried about it for so long that now that the time is here I'm almost feeling so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do.

...feeling....overWHELMED.....

gonna go make dinner..salad and ice cream sandwiches.

listing...listing...listing

Well, I'm off to a pretty good start. I finished everything on my list except for filling out the calendar and making a list for tomorrow, but I can go ahead and do that now:

Teaching folder Cont'd
Call cable company for move
READ required books

Not bad considering how hot it is here and the heat has zapped me. There is another heat advisory for tomorrow, so if I need to go out I've got to make sure that we do it before noon.

We had sushi for dinner (veggie-yum) and its too hot to cook so I'm gonna have to make salad or something for tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a caesar salad and fruit salad or ice cream sandwiches for dessert. Or gazpacho. I dunno.

The babe had her 15 month check up today. She is almost 30lbs and is 30 inches. A short plump babe.

Still got work to do and I'm getting tired.

nuff for now

listing

My pet peeves:

1. prepaid phones that don't work and dads who won't listen about getting regular cell phones.

2. packing things.

3. spending money.

4. people who you email and they don't respond to the email but send you forwards about random ish.

5. moving far far away.

6. being so attached to my family.

7. cooking.

8. having summer reading.

9. being addicted to buying planners and calendars.

10. family stuff that reminds me of the fact my gma isn't here.

11. worrying.

12. having to get shots for school.

13. listing.
*****
Its count down time for our move and I think that this is where all of this is coming from. I'm feeling antsy, having a hard time sleeping and just making lists and buying planners and trying to remember stuff and spending so much time about worrying and being afraid that I'm not getting much of anything done. I'm realizing this even as I typed up the list above, I'm not accomplishing anything instead I'm being mobilized by my fear and worry. And both are useless at this point.

So....with a deep cleansing yoga breathe, my new list:

Things I would like to accomplish Monday

1. Babe has a 15 month check up and I need copies of her immunization records.

2. I need to put my stuff for teaching in a new binder.

3. Start making stacks of the books I want to take.

4. Fill out the LAST calendar I plan to purchase until it expires! no matter if I see another one that I think will make me more organized or efficient, I'm loosing time with just the buying of the calendars. Fill in dates for school, vacations, and phone numbers.

5. Make another list for Tuesday.

--Read!

These boots were made for talking.

Here lately the babe has been using her words. Or I guess I should rephrase that and say that she talks with her own babe language but for the past week I feel like she's been on the verge of using words that we readily recognize as being a part of the English language . When we pick up keys she'll say "kee" but this is confusing because she also says "kee" when she sees that cats running around. There has been some debate over whether or not she is in fact saying "kee" for the kitty or if the "kee" is supposed to be more of a "gee" because sometimes we say "get" to shoo the cats away if they are being naughty or if there are tons of cats around the yard that don't belong to us. She says dada but not always for DH, just sometimes randomly. We think she said mama (once on mother's day, DH swears she did, but she never did again). And this weekend when she stayed with my mom, she swore that she started to say "bye bye" even though she's not uttered it again.

At any rate, I know when she is communicating with me, I can totally read her verbal (cries, laughs, sighs) and non-verbals (shaking her head, pulling my arms to pick her up, rubbing her eyes, lifting up my shirt--oh yeah, today she tried that one in the optometrist office). But when she's ready to talk, we can't wait to listen.

And these happen to be a babe's favorite shoes at the moment.

Things would be so much easier if:

1. I was organized.
2. I could buy lots of organizational things from Ikea.
3. I lived in the city.
4. I had a part-time secure job teaching and writing.
5. DH had a job that was semi-good to him (not too good, because its fun to complain sometimes).
6. Our debts were paid off.
7. I could cook really yummy vegetarian and vegan meals.
8. I actually took time to exercise every day.
9. I did not spend money everytime I left the house.
10. I did not feel like I always have to leave said house.
11. I did not buy pre-cooked meals all the time.
12. I did not always change my mind a zillion times before returning to the orginal idea.
13. I didn't worry so much over everything.
14. I did not have to depend so much on others for help.
15. I did not read other mommy blogs and compare myself to other moms.*
16. I could go Island hopping like Tree (if it weren't for the fear of flying and boats, birds, random bugs, etc...)
17. It weren't so damn humid.
18. I quit procrastinating by making lists and trying to be pseudo-organized.


*Ironicaly, I don't ever compare Babe to other babies, I think that's because she is just awesome and I know it.

An evening con Babe

We got our babe this afternoon and didn't realize how much we'd missed her until we walked into my parents' house and saw her snuggled on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor. Since we've all been home this evening we played with Dora, ate mac -n-cheese, drank apple juice, and watched dad almost fry off his hand.

It has been storming kinda bad, we turned off the lights and were just sitting around in the family room. DH went to the kitchen sink and was trying to move a knife from the cutting board to the sink, which had water. He went and put the knife down and boom (well, there was no sign, just a flash of blue, when the knife touched the water and the lightening must have struck somewhere near the house....I don't know all the sciences on this but if anyone does..we'd like to know what happened. Thankfully, DH is okie.

An evening sans Babe

Babe is spending the night with her grandparents. I miss her horrible, so does DH. This is what we've done:

laundry,
paid bills,
discussed bills, money,
read blogs,
watched a movie,
dishes,
cleaning,
realized how boring we are without Babe. Is this what we were like before? My apologies to our friends and family. Babe makes us cool.

Lost Touch

Tonight, just now actually, I was trying to blog with a babe on my lap. This doesn't work so well anymore because now that babe is totally mobile she ends up typing on the keyboard or grabbing the mouse or getting out of my lap and trying to play with the cords for the laptop. So, I asked DH if he would take a babe and go pick out some pjs for bed so that I could finish my post. That's when DH said I'd lost touch. And so I stopped to think about this. Have I lost touch? And if so with what? Blogging is usually my way of winding down from the day and trying to get my thoughts together. I try to use this time to just think about what's been on my mind or what others are thinking about via their blogs. In some ways its kinda like 'talking' to others, though I rarely have time to post comments to others' blogs though I do read many. I do that because I do feel like I've lost touch in a lot of ways. After we had babe and I decided to quit working outside of the home there was a lot that I didn't realize I would miss, like conversations at lunch or reading a newspaper daily, or learning something new at work. Now, in no way would I want to trade those things for what I got in return: a soft babe, daily Elmo time, breast-feeding (my boobs actually grew!), and being able to say that I was there for the first...tooth, steps, word, turning over, etc.
But, as I told my cousin at lunch the other week, you also don't realize that when you become a mom, it is oh so very easy to loose yourself. Because those first few weeks, hell months, are so intense, you forget things like washing your hair on a regular basis, or the fact that you actually used to wear perfume and clothes that weren't just wash and ware (or ware and ware). You also forget that you liked books that were not made of cardboard and food that required more cooking and did not taste like cardboard. But as your babe grows and you find your rhythm as a parent you start to remember those things. I think I remember the first time I finished a book post-partum, or rather the first non-babe book I read. A part of me felt guilty, like all of my waking time and energy should be devoted only to reading and further my babe education. If I wasn't doing laundry or scrubbing the floor, or trying to go out shopping before her nap was over then I should be. But you soon learn that if you don't give yourself time to take a shower, or read a book, or eat a good lunch, you burn out quickly and you do loose touch with yourself and others. I canceled lunches, forgot to return phone calls, and tried to avoid folks because I felt like I should only be doing things related to babe. But I learned my lesson. You do have to remember who you were before the babe and while you are different in some ways, you need to honor and remember what made you YOU in the first place. So yes, I have lost touch, in many ways but I'm reaching out again.

He's a Dog

I guess I should preface this by saying that I do believe people are innocent until proven guitly. But, Mike Vick, if what they say about what he did to those dogs, or allowed to be done, is an animal. No, actually, he's not an animal. I don't know what word I'd used to describe him, because to my knowledge animals don't exploit or participate in activities to harm others, not in this way.

In a New York Times article from today, they said that investigators found graves on his kennal property.

He's in Richmond today for his first court appearance, it'll be intereting to see how this unfolds.

10 hours

That's how long I slept last night. I haven't done that in I know, well over a year. But a babe didn't take a nap yesterday and was so tired that she was out by 8PM. She stirred for about 10 minutes around 9, and so I decided to just go lay beside her. As a result of that, we both slept. I woke up this morning not recongizing this feeling, I guess you call it being well rested? The babe took a nap from 11:15AM-12:45PM so we'll see how the rest of the afternoon goes, and the night. I'm afraid to ask how long this will last. So I won't and I'm even more afraid to try and figure out what I did (if anything) for this to occur. So I won't.

Thankful.

forgot some stuff...

...old friends,
...being organized,
...staying organized,
...my mind,
...having plans.

But I am thankful for stuff too, especially after this evening, we had to take babe to the ER. She got bit by a large insect (wasp we think) and we were very scared, not knowing if she'd have a super severe reaction or not. Luckily, she did not and is now giggling happily on the bed, pointing to me, dad and herself and falling back in laughter as we assure her our names have not changed. This is what love is.

I miss stuff...

...my granny,
...family nights,
...walking my old neighborhood,
...knowing neighbors,
...my old grocery store,
...schedules,
...knowing and feeling certain about what I was doing,
...having people around me,
...good relationships,
...driving with the windows down,
...not being on pins and needles 24/7,
...feeling good about me.

Smoke stacks on isle 6

I wanted to make a pasta salad for dinner tonight. The heat and stress have just zapped my brain and tummy, so I thought a nice cool salad and tea would be great for dinner. Babe and I decided to go to Walmart with my bro to get the pasta I needed. We were on the pasta isle, six, when we started to smell cigarette smoke. I looked around and as neither my bro, nor I smoke, I tried to figure out where the smell was coming from. There was a little old man standing in front of the canned meats with a cigarette. Just puffing away. I gave babe to bro so she wouldn't have to be in the smokey cloud and told him to go find a manager and let them know this dude was smoking away on the pasta and canned meat isle.

I felt a little guilty at first, I don't know why, maybe its just he was old. But then I started to think about it, he shouldn't be smoking in the first place and second, it was a non-smoking space.

Smokey the bear was whispering to me that I did the right thing.

stressed out of me mind

I should go to bed now. should take a shower, rub my scalp with oil, and climb into bed with my HP book. But I'm not. Instead, I'm trying to google to find pics of how really REALLY bad the weather is in the new place we are moving. I'm trying oh so very hard to think of all the bad things that can happen when we move (car troubles, a non-sleeping babe, weather, illness, lost items, money troubles, work problems). I am also trying to make lists of the lists I need to make. I am also troubling myself with trying to prepare to teach a class that I know I can teach but have told myself will for some reason be oh so different from anything in the entire world.

Yes, I should force myself to go to bed because my anxiety's now have worries and nothing is helping. I think I have sat at this computer for too long, read far too many blogs, eaten too much ice cream and chocolate bar.

It also does not help that because last week my DH went up yonder to find us a home in the new west, babe and I had to stay with my parents (not too big on staying out in the country by our lonesome). So, that means babe is totally off her schedule. My parents spoiled her with toys, frozen fruit treats, and juice. She is still awake, normally we'd all be in the bed now. But we're just off. Off. Like Alice in Wonderland off.

Oh my god, I'm so stressed I'm out of my mind.

I am going to bed.

oh the Stress.

My husband says that he has ABMS. Asiatic Black Man Syndrome: Poor diet, High stress. He lists several men that have had or are coping with this disorder:

James Evans (Good Times)
Fiddler (Roots)
Kunta Kinte (Roots)
Martin Luther King Jr
My Uncle M.
My Uncle R.
Actually, all of my Uncles.
My father
My brother
My grandfathers (RIP)
Big Mike, actually any Man living with a Black Woman
Moses

I'm sure the list could go on.

oh. the move

We have found a place in new city up yonder. I am very nervous. I am making list upon list to try to organize myself and my family. I have books to read before classes start. I am nervous.

We were blessed to find a place that is furnished, so we don't have to move all of our things. We are blessed. I have to figure out what we are going to take and what we'll leave.

My mom is very sad, she will no doubt miss babe. Everyone is moving and changing, my bro got a new job, we'll now have two grandkids living out-of-state, another in the northern part of the state and another in the far southwest. For the first time in my life I'll be away from home. I'm not nearly as excited as I used to think I'd be. But I'm older now and I think that has something to do with it.

And today has been weird. Stayed up way too late reading Harry Potter and then got up around noon today. Stepped on my glasses and had to go over to the mall to order a new pair. I'll be walking around with my broken glasses con tape until the new ones come in.

I'm tired of sitting at this desk, reading, organizing, and trying to make things work.

I am starting to feel small again. Oh. so small.

this is what happens....

when you have no net access at home and then must cram all of them into one sitting while your bro watches your Babe.

Things a Babe can Do

Because I've not posted an updated list on things my Babe can do.....

1. Say dada to Dad and to me.
2. Dance.
3. Squat to pooh, still in the diaper, but I'm not wanting to introduce potty training just yet, she's only 14 months.
4. Sing (la la la is her favorite).
5. She realizes that the remote control controls the TV and likes to turn it off. We are very happy about this.
6. Kick the ball down the hall to her room.
7. Feed herself.
8. Wash her face.
9. Point to her toes and noes when asked where they are.
10. Put on her Dora shoes.
11. Identify Dora.
12. Run, well its more of a fast trot, but it can pass for running.
13. Give hugs when she first wakes up in the morning.
14. Negotiate not taking a nap, she does this by pulling out tons of toys and books so that it takes forever to clean up.
15. Sit on the porch stoop.
16. Walk up stairs with help.
17. Color, books and the floor are her favorite canvases.
18. Turn around in circles.

She never stops amazing me. I was just reading Dooce's post, on her daughter's developments at month 41. I used to read Dooce's postings before I had a Babe and it always made me want a babe. Now I have a Babe and I can understand why its so important to find a way to record all the things your babes do, because they do them so quickly and soon they become normal, just a part of your routine and then one day it catches you off guard, the fact that you don't have to carry them everywhere or that they can tell you when they are pooping and you wonder when it changed. Like I don't remember the exact day that Babe started to squat and rub her belly to let us know she'd taken a pooh. Or I don't remember exactly when she started to learn that she had control over things around her, could make her toys move, could make us laugh, could wave and get reactions from strangers. But sometimes I just watch and I'm amazed that she is really becoming her own person. Its really a beautiful thing to be a part of.

8 things

I saw this over at Tree's place and decided I wanted to give it a whirl:

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
Each player
starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are
tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these
rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get
tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling
them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Random Fact 1: I am sometimes terrified to the point of covering my eyes when I go across bridges (not while driving of course).

Random Fact 2: I love office supply stores and catalogues. I am addicted to buying calendars and desk organizers.

Random Fact 3: I once read and researched so much about the Vietnam war that I camped out under a tree in mud to try and feel what it might have been like. Needless to say I could not recreate this and it troubled my mother.

Random Fact 4: I learned how to read when I was 4, my granny taught me.

Random Fact 5: I've never lived outside of Riva city and the tri-riva city area.

Random Fact 6: I once said I did not want to move to another city based solely on the fact that the city did not have a Chinese restaurant.

Random Fact 7: I was in labor with Babe for 14+ hours and towards the end was so spaced out from pain that I wanted to do my own c-section.

Random Fact 8: I am supposed to be moving in less than 4 weeks to a far away new city, state and have yet to pack a thing. Why? Because I am oh so very frightened.

Okie so who ever reads this should go next.

A Troubled Childhood

Conversation that took place before going to see Transformers Monday evening:

Me: So, like remind me of what the Transformers did again. I think I watched them as kids, but I'm not so sure I remember.

DH: They were robots, there were two groups, the autobots and the...

Me: Oh yeah, and they would all come together to form Voltron, right? I remember the song...

DH: No, you've got two cartoons confused. Voltron was a mixture of....

Me: No, I think you got it wrong, Voltron was when all the robots came together to have like super power.

DH: Uh, no.

Me: So they were like with the Thundercats?

heat

Not too much to say. The ye ole south's heat and humidity has trully zapped my brain.

Things My Grandma Taught Me

Kathryn W. Anderson
December 20, 1928-June 20, 2006

1. People are different, but you don't have to be.
2. French Fries aren't good cold.
3. Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwhiches are much better smooshed.
4. Tuna fish is good for you, and you should eat a little meat every now and again.
5. Bread can solve many problems.
6. Eat when you are hungry.
7. Don't talk on the phone during a storm.
8. How to read.
9. Good penmenship is essential.
10. You can change your name if you don't like it.
11. You can be sophisticated and have a gold tooth (or bar).
12. C-sections aren't bad.
13. All that matters is that you try.
14. As long as you get a D its really okie not to ace everything in school.
15. Don't start wearing makeup and you won't need it.
16. Good credit goes a long way.
17. People treat us differently, but keep being yourself.
18. Drive.
19. Always dream.
20. Condoms aren't always trustworthy.
21. Caller ID rules.
22. Eat well and get exercise.
23. Cake and ice cream before bed can help you.
24. If you need to loose weight, stop the cake and ice cream before bed.
25. Drink water, and lots of it.
26. See the doctor if you worry, and don't be 'steetin bout' what anyone else says.
27. Rub your baby's legs so they won't be bowed.
28. Baby massage helps to relax a baby and keep their skin smooth.
29. Sometimes you have to act a little crazy to get your way.
30. Keep your faith, whatever it may be.
31. Don't depend on no one.
32. Keep good credit and they will sell you anything.
33. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll get free food.
34. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll forget if your at one for a bank or food.
35. School doesn't always matter.
36. Even with #35, she still taught me how to be a teacher.
37. Remember where you came from, but don't let that fog your future.
38. Follow your heart.
39. Patience.
40. Thoughtfulness.
41. What it means to walk in faith.
42. Intelligence.
43. How to listen.
44. Kindness goes a long ways.
45. Ask questions when you don't know.
46. Stick in the tough situations but know you can always come home.
47. Eat bread when you choke.
48. Vinegar-Whops are good for upset tummies.
49. How to give a Babe a bath.
50. Love.

Love you granny.

Dreams that surface from Shallow sleep*

I think it must be from the stress of planning a move and going back to school, but I've had the most random dreams and thoughts that surface:

-the other night, I was dreaming that I was getting married again, but had to drive a big ass bus in order to get to my parents house. once there, they had redone their home with nice new windows and central ac/heat (anyone who knows my parents knows very well that this is a dream...the rock radiators and window units).


-I've had random ass dreams about people from high school. like I'm going to lunch with them and having grown-up conversations about life, kids, work, but its weird because its people I've not talked to in like years. at least a decade.

These are just two examples, I try to forget most of them because they are just so damn peculiar. I can't fight the fact that I don't get nearly as much sleep as I should. Not good deep sleep because a babe is still sleeping in the bed with us (we dig the family bed). Babe now turns herself completely around while sleeping which means we have to move around her so that no one falls off. I've also taken to reading before bed again which used to be a really good habit, but now the books I've chosen (just started Zadie Smith's On Beauty and am also reading about snake's in church services in the south...can't think of the title) but anyways... the reading, the watching of late night TV (yikers, I watch Tyra), and reading Babe her books (Mama, Mama, Papa Papa and Olivia) AND the fact that I've been listening to way too much Johnny Cash and Elvis hymns I'm sure is why I've been having such weird dreams.

I hope.

Truth is, I really need to find another outlet for stress and thinking because I'm so bottled up right now, so worried about the move, and how it'll affect Babe and H, and myself and our future and everything that I don't know what to do. I've not been able to write in my journal (paper version) because its just not helping me. Truth be told I've not kept a paper journal now for at least a year. Its not the same. Or maybe I'm not the same, my expectations for writing have changed. It used to be, that I thought I could write myself into feeling calmer and better. If I could just get the shit out of my head and onto the paper I'd be able to figure things out. Then the shit just got so much more complicated that the paper couldn't contain it. Or rather, I just couldn't quite get it down. This blog is the only type of reflective writing I do right now. Damn, its the only writing I do really, outside of lists and appointment notes and stuff. But I guess my question for myself is really just why I don't get that same pleasure out of writing that I used to? Why doesn't it make me feel better?

I'd stopped writing after 9.11 but then returned to it about a year after. My grandma died almost a year ago (6.20) and I stopped writing...well actually before that I'd ended this blog at one point and before that I hadn't been able to write in a consistent way during my pregnancy, again except for the blog.

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to get at or what I'm trying to discover, I guess a new way to look at things and to try to feel better, to be able to put things down--out of my head-- and let them rest some where else while I try to rest my own head.

*from Warcloud's Album Nightmares that surface from shallow sleep

Week in Review

Just really posting because I've not posted in a bit. Summer is keeping us busy, birthdays, graduations, and moving to CNY.

Babe is walking steady now and dances at the drop of a hat (or sound of a beat). We've been working on planning our move, hoping that it'll be as smooth as possible, but doubting it, or rather not holding our breathe too much.

Last night bro and I went to a slammin (and yes I know that is totally from the 80s) Mos Def concert and had a good time. He's call and response thing was "Don't Stop the Rock...I Feel Good."

Today there was a family reunion on my dad's side and it was rather sad. Not many folks, family is scattered...and its hard to get folks together.

But whatever.....my mind is zapped from the sun, so I'll end this now.

Q&A

Blog: So, Ilnizzzah, school is out and summer is in! Can you tell us a little bit about your plans for the summer months?

Ilnizzzah: Yeah, well, I'm not sure. I mean, I think (am almost certain) we are moving this summer, leaving ye ole lonely road and heading north. I got accepted into a PhD program for the Fall and I'm...

Blog: Wow! Congrats, but a PhD? Up North? With a 1 year old babe? That is a mighty big step and it sure is aways away from Rivah City.

Ilnizzzah: Yeah. I don't think the distance will bother me too much. It already feels quite lonely here and my family is only like 30 minutes from my house. As for Babe, she actually forces me to be a good student, to prioritize and to know what's really important in life. So I'm not...

Blog: I see. Well, yes, but have you thought about Babe not seeing her grandparents as much? That'll be mighty hard on them and...

Ilnizzzah: We are only about 7 hours away and they are willing to drive up or take a train. So I'm hopeful that either way, we'll get to see them once a month. I've no doubt it will be hard, because we are all so accustomed to seeing one another like every day, but this past year has turned everything upside down on its ass, with my granny passing, General just passed, our move(s), things just aren't they way they used to be. I'm hoping this move will bring about a change for the better and I'm sure that you.....

Blog: Yes, change, but you know, sometimes you don't handle change too well. Seems that it stresses you out, in the past I've thought often that you are a creature of habit who...

Ilnizzah: Well, creatures can also learn new behaviors as well, you have to in order to survive. There are a lot of things I've done in the past year that I'd never done or thought of doing before. I'm game for this.

Blog: So you think this is just a 'game'? You do realize you are asking your family to relocate, move out of a house, and...

Ilnizzzah: You certainly are a sprite one. NO. I don't think of this as a game, but I do realize that sometimes you can't plan everything and when a plan unfolds for you, if it feels right and can better your condition and your family's sometimes you have to trust and proceed as the way comes.

memorial weekend in review.

She's baaaaaaaaaaacccccccccck.

After almost two years MIA my period returned yesterday. I know, maybe too much info, but this has been a blog where I've tapped into a little bit of everything, from school to work to pregnancy, so there. Ha.

I can't say I missed it at all, that's also one of the other side perks of breastfeeding, you don't have to worry about your period coming back so soon, but now the Babe is munching on mac-n-cheese and sipping juice more each day. She only nurses at night.

The babe is growing up!

December 15. 1997-May 25. 2007

We lost another beloved member of our family. Our dog, General, died early on Friday morning, May 25. 2007

We loved him dearly.

My trip to Walmart

Tonight we had to go by Walmart to pick up random things (wood chips for the grill, light bulbs, diapers for Babe, laundry detergent, you get the picture) and I just took a moment to notice how amazing Walmart actually is.

Where else can you go and buy a Virgin of Guadalupe yard statue, chicken gizzards, hemp string, cheese, and alcohol. Not that I have anything against any of the above mentioned items, I almost got the Virgin statue, bought the hemp and cheese. No go on the gizzards and alchie.

Babe enjoyed herself, she's such a people-watcher, much like her mama. I have more fun sitting in the parking lot than actually going in. My bro and I usually make up stories about the people we say, including narrator's comments, conversation, and setting descriptions. I've done this for as long as I can remember, always making up stories about people that I see, dreaming about what I think their lives are like, what their problems might be.

Sometimes I want to put those things down on paper, just create short stories or character sketches, but I haven't as of yet. Just another thing to add to the good ole list.

post with no name

I've been wanting to write for quite some time, but just have not had the time, energy, or wherewithal (is that even a word) to do so. There has been so much on my mind that I don't even know where to begin. So I might ramble a bit, but I need to get it all out of my head...

Babe
Turned a year old, and its been bittersweet. She is walking now, she starting walking on May 18, at 11:43PM to be exact. And its so weird to watch her now, she can stand and play at her toy box or her little chair and I don't have to stand beside her. She can take out the toys she likes, throw the ones she doesn't. I know why people get 'baby fever' around this time, because you see your little one growing and changing and becoming more independent and it makes you long for those days of just holding them, nursing, naps, rocking. Now she wants to get down on the floor, crawl, dance, and just wiggle about. She got her first pair of shoes tonight.

Moving
I was given the opportunity to begin school this fall. Everything happened really quickly and we've spent the past month trying to adjust to this new change. It does mean moving away from here and starting out in a new environment with no family, no friends, no known resources. But we are thinking that we are going to in fact do this. Its a way for me to finish my education and hopefully get a full time tenure-track job once I'm done. This will be the first time DH and I move away from home, home-home that is. It'll also be really difficult because we have babe now and my family has gotten so attached to her. My mom doesn't even want to talk about us leaving, its that hard. We are worried about how we'll manage without having family around us, because we are so fortunate now to have a good network, but I think we also feel like we've just got to try.
I'm thinking about how sometimes the things that seem so hard and difficult bring the greatest reward and knowledge.

Studenting/Mothering/Othering
I've seen myself solely as a mom for the past year. I mean I've been only in mom-mode, so its kinda hard for me to think of myself as being something else. Its important for me to establish an identity outside of being a mother, because sometimes I find that I miss old things I used to do, and I wonder if that's why I feel so 'different and at times lonely. I used to journal on a regular basis and read. I'd go through books like crazy. Honestly, I just didn't have the time for that this past year with Babe and all, but slowly I'm trying to welcome some of those old things back into my life again. Realizing that I'm not the same person who could read 3 books in a week, but just because I can't doesn't mean that I have to give that love up all together, it just means I can read 1 at a time, or that I might not journal as frequently, but I can still do those things, its just me doing them in a different way.
Thinking about going back to school and getting back into teaching and writing and researching has made me worry a bit, because I feel like I'm different now, I'll be a different kind of student, but I'm still trying to convince myself that doesn't mean I'll be a bad student. I think there are some things I've learned from being a mom that most definitely can benefit me as a student. Maybe I needed to learn some of those lessons before I went to school.

So, there is a hecka of a lot going on right now and I'm gonna try to keep up with my posting, but with a walking Babe now....I'm spending more time running.

No Sweet Tea

We travelled up North, CNY to be exact, to visit because I've been admitted into a PhD program for this fall. I'm happy to report that we got lost several times, never quite made it to any of the appointments we had to look at places, and had no sweet tea. It was really weird. We stopped in several restaurants, grocery stores, and little snack shops around the area and no one had sweet tea. I must admit that I was very disappointed and upset, I usually drink sweet tea with every meal (except breakfast). I didn't know this was such a southern phenomena until this trip when there was no sweet tea the entire time up there, even on the road, until we got to Maryland. That must be the sweet tea cut-off line, some mysterious line made up of ice cubes and sugar cane, and tea bags.

We got lost throughout the city, but it paid off because we were able to figure out places that we didn't really like and places that weren't originally recommended to us, that we just happened to find. Now the hard part is trying to find a place that will allow our dog, it doesn't seem like ye ole city up yonder is too pet friendly when it comes to renting.

Babe did really well driving up there, but the way back was harder because we traveled during the day and she got very fussy at the end. We all did.

checking in

This week has kept me so busy. Finishing up the end of the semester for the classes I was teaching and the class I take, along with birthday celebrations, and preparing for a trip up to the ye ole norf. We are going to go look at places up norf because, well, dammit, I'm going back to school.

I'm hungry now and want to write more, but a cheesey enchilada is calling my name...and I'mma go answer.


A Babe update
**Babe can snap her fingers to music. I was at least 10 or 11 before I figured that out. Her dad was 20. Clearly, she already superceeds us. Pure genius.**

Tis be my Birthday....

...watch me do the birthday dance! Arrrrrreba! Ole!
cha cha cha ....
After partying like it was 1999 all weekend for Babe's birthday, today is kinda quiet and I'm not complaining. I am now 29 years old. Wow. I don't feel weird about getting older and 29 doesn't feel that old to me. My granny used to say you don't feel different until you hit 5o, then things just start to change. But I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I've got a paper to turn in that I stayed up until 2 in the morning writing! and an exam to take in about an hour.

I didn't really ask for much this birthday, except this. And I'm very happy because DH is actually getting it for me. I had a red and white one as a kid and I haven't ridden in years, so I look forward to this exercise again.

Birthdays have been kinda hard in my family because granny used to coordinate the birthday festivities, a cake, party hats, singing, all that stuff. So we've each found different ways to change and still honor the tradition. This year I decided that each year I'm going to make myself a birthday promise, something that I'll do for myself to make myself a better person.

This year's birthday promise: I just want to really stop the bull shit. And I mean that in oh so many ways. No need to 'splain Lucy.

My first birthday.

Today is Babe's 1st birthday. We spent the day opening presents (her favorite have been Backyardagain clip-ons, an activity cube, blocks, and a Vera Bradley purse), taking many pictures, and just remembering how she got here and what a wonderful year of milestones we've had with her.

Babe arrived in this world via cesarean birth. While I had general anesthesia (long story, but all was well, believe me, all was very well as I slept and felt no pain after 15 hours of the hardest work I've ever done in my life) I was not awake when she first came out, but once I was awake the first person I saw was Babe. She was tiny and swaddled and had been placed at my breast to nurse by our doula. She was gorgeous. DH and I spent the rest of the night and early morning looking at her, listening to her cries, and trying to fill out endless paperwork about her name. Those first few days are a blurr to me now. I know that I went home after 3 days, she slept no longer than 30 minutes at a time, sometimes 40 or 45, and she had a scream that could peel paint off of walls. I remember charting everything, from pees to poohs, to how long she cried, to which breast she nursed on, to pimples on her nose. We barely left the house, except for a doctor's visit to check her weight and height. It was a wonderful week. Those weeks moved into months and many other special things, the first time she tried holding her head up by herself (about 3 weeks), the first time she smiled and cooed at us-about 2 months (randomly she did it at 2 1/2 days), the first time she sat up by herself Thanksgiving, her first visit to see Santa, moving into our first house, the first cruising steps (9 months), crawling (11 months-2 weeks ago to be exact), and now her first birthday.

I honestly don't know where the year has gone, while not every moment has been spectacular, some have been down right scary (her first big fever in the middle of the night, her first temper tantrum in a store-over hot dog buns) and some have been sad (the loss of her great-grandma at 6 weeks old), every moment has propelled me towards this: there hasn't been anything greater to happen to me than this, being a mother.

Reflections..honest

This semester I took a class because I wanted to get back into the swing of school and because I simply adore learning. This semester I took a class with a babe, something I've never done. This semester I became The Student I Dread. How did this happen? Well, lets reflect on my behavior:

• I missed more than the allotted 'free miss' days. I missed 3 to be exact.
• I emailed the professor with questions that I could have answered had I been in class.
• I told the professor that I'd had difficulty finishing an assignment because of personal things at home, namely not having time with a babe to write/research on time.
• I turned in 2 assignments late.
• I did not always read the book.

I dread the fact that I didn't fully utilize this opportunity. Why did I act in this manner? I am a teacher I should know better. I should have planned my time better, should have lined up babysitter assistance so that I could complete homework assignments. Should have made my own deadlines instead of the ones on the syllabus because I know what kind of writer I am, I have to have many mini-writing sessions because I'm not good at just sitting down and cranking things out in long periods of time. So what I have I learned for the future?

• You have a babe. That means you might miss more than the allotted number of classes sometimes. Plan accordingly and don't skip a class one night just because you are lazy* (or afraid of getting a paper back), realize that you may need to save your free 'miss' class in case a babe needs you to take off for legitimate reasons.
• Refer to the first bulletin. But also, don't be afraid to ask questions for clarification.
• Be honest. Don't feel guilty because you have a child and are going to school. You still deserve to be here. But also realize that you've got to budget your time accordingly and this means that you must work in a different way than from how you once worked before, pre-babe.
• Again, time management-and deadlines.
• Just read the damn book.

Much of what I learned about myself this semester is that I do need deadlines. I do need some type of structure. And more than that, I do belong in school, even with a babe. Babe has taught me so much about myself this semester its not funny. That's for another post...

*much of my laziness comes from fear. I fear I'm not going to have the 'smartest' or 'wittiest' answer, or something that the teacher wants to see, so I dread doing the work, thus putting me on a cycle of dread-fear-dread-fear-get too tired from all the dreading and fearing and don't do any doing.

do u remember?

i used to want to be the kangaroo here.

i watched these after school and was always so sure of what i'd do.

these helped me learn about the gov'ment.

and i remember watching these after school or randomly durring the summer, glad i didn't go to this high school.

ah procrastination on the internet and feeling nostaligic is just grand.

i'm tired.

so much. very little done today.

went to a surprise b-day party for a 2nd cousin. realized that while its nice to see everyone, not everyone is doing the big things that you think. also realized that we are all very broken in so many ways.

DH worked tirelessly around the yard today. he finished cleaning up the shrubs and brush that we've had laying around the past few months.

i finally finished a draft of a paper that was due two weeks ago. now i just have the paper to finish. in like, 24 hours. um yeah.

and i got papers from a ye ole universidad that has offerred me a position as a graduate student, yup.

and now i'm trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

1. write paper
2. sleep
3. figure out what to do next
4. go to school?
5. how will i go with a babe.
6. how will i not go with a babe.

writing.

I'm having a really hard time writing the paper for my class that I'm taking. I don't know why. I think I should have picked another topic or maybe its that I'm afraid because the work I've done so far has just been really rough. I think the ideas have been good, but the thinking rough.

Note to self: it takes you time to get your ideas out and then to revise. plan accordingly

Status of me Listings

Now this is my new list (items removed = things DONE)

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).

Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***




Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.


Not bad...some of the other things will just have to wait until tomorrow now because I'm too tired...but I'm feeling like I got things a bit more under control...uh...maybe

how did Babe learn she has control?

Babe has learned that she can say 'no' to food and toys and to us with a wave of her hand, like an army general. I'm not sure how she learned this, I guess because she's done it a couple of times and we've responded that she is saying no to whatever it is we are trying to offer.

Its just amazing to me to be able to watch all the changes and developments she goes through, even if this one means sometimes I get food in my hair and A&D in my eyes.

Get this done.

I have gotten to a point where I'm tired of letting things linger. This semester, actually the past two semesters I'd gotten into a bad habit of starting lots of little projects and not fully completing them. In my own head I guess I was thinking that I'd get more done this way, but it hasn't worked like that at all. I think its also because babe takes such short naps (usually only 2 for about 30 minutes a piece!) so I try to cram a lot into those periods of time which usually means I end up not getting much of anything done.

So I have enlisted my mother in law and DH to help me tonight because I'm feeling very stressed, its the end of the semester and I've got lots going on, so this evening I hope to actually get thing done.

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).
Call my cousin and tell her I don't know if we can purchase her table... we might be downsizing if we move.
Put clothes in dryer and dirty ones in wash.
Eat some dinner.
Go for a walk.
Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***

Respond to student emails.
Email students about final course requirements.
Fill in calendar about my final requirements.
Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.
Make notes for appointments.

If there is still time....
->vacuum floors.

And- look up info on tenure/job prospects
and-Phd school stuff.

thats a lot to do....and its almost 6PM, oh! and I need to watch America's next top Model...gotta love that Tyra

Language and our/My Reality

Kenneth Burke said that "man is a symbol using, symbol misusing animal" (yes, a bit sexist with the language, but you get the gist). He also said that we create our reality by and through books and our symbols systems:

Take away our books, and what little do we know about history, biography, even something so "down to earth" as the rleative position of seas and continents? What is our "reality" for today (beyound the paper-thin line of our own particular lives) but all this clutter of symbols about the past combined with whatever things we know mainly through maps, magazines, newspapers, and the like about the present? (Langauge as Symbolic Action 5)

When I first read this I think I just read it. I didn't really apply it. For me Burke, or rather studying Burke, has been a struggle and an off and on again affair. I came to Burke as a grad student years ago and now return to him for help in my own teaching and writing. But today I saw through even my own terministic screens and I could see how we can become so cluttered with symbol systems that aren't are own, but that come from other places, that we loose touch on what our own understanding(s) is(are).

We cling on to words because thats really all we have for understanding our world. I guess there is something underneath language- something gutteral, like raw emotion, but even when we go to explain those feelings we are grasping for terms. I think about when I gave birth to babe, there are very few words that can really wrap themselves around the dynamics of that event. So, all we have are words and we use them the best we can. Is there any way possible to declutter our symbol systems? To really see and understand what we think or know?

In so many ways....

My dad always hollars about making sacrifices for us. He worked a shitty job for 30+ years and was able to put both my bro and myself through private school grades K-12. He hated his job and it was always known. But he said that he'd made a promise to himself that he'd do it so that he could put us through school and pay for the house, etc. This meant that my parents never had 'nice' cars, expensive clothes, vacations, etc. and now, as a parent myself I think I can begin to understand this idea of sacrifice.

But, what happens when you do sacrifice your work and your kids know it? At the same time are you sending them a message of, "its okie to forget about yourself and what you want?" Or, are you showing them how much you do love them? My dad always came home angry, I guess he could have done a better job of hiding it, and I never did feel like I was the cause of his anger-like I never felt like he was blaming me for his shitty job, I just felt like he was one angry man.

Back to the box.

Internet Powers

The strangest thing has happened. When Tree posted 'If you Blog it it Will Come' I must admit that I didn't think there would or could be any power behind it. My list, included the following:

*To be able to find a full time job teaching.

*To decide what kind of PhD program is going to work best for me.

And within the past two weeks I've had two job interviews for full time teaching positions and an offer of acceptance to a PhD program.

The internet does have power.....

While I don't believe that, I do believe that God doesn't put more on you than you can take and that certain things have to happen before you can take on certain challenges. Why is it, that I have the hardest time understanding that not only am I not in control and that is ok, but there is a higher power that creates order and I need only to relax and proceed as the way opens.

When your Head can't Wrap around a Situation

Today's events at Virginia Tech can't be explained. Tonight in class lots of us were trying to understand what happened today. Trying to make sense of it, but no one could. The irony of the situation is that we were in a class where we've been studying how you can learn about one's motives (and subsequent action) through the study of words. But in this case, I don't know, I don't see how you can understand how someone can murder, when nothing seems like there was anything to provoke the situation. What words can be used to describe this action?

I started watching this on the news today, around lunchtime and watched or listened most of the afternoon and evening. All I can say is that my prayers go out to that community.

Pray.

sigh

Yesterday I went for a job interview. I didn't really get nervous until I got there. I was fine the night before, fine in the car, fine when I walked into the building. Then, the nerves set in. Before I checked in with the interview folks I had some time, so I sat in a lobby to wait. For a minute I totally thought about leaving and hiding in the bathroom. I was able to settle my nerves enough so that I got myself together enough to wait for the interview folk to come get me.

I'd like to think that the interview went well. Reflecting back on it, my only worry is that I might have seemed to anxious to get the job. I mean the truth of the matter is, I am anxious to get the job, but I worry that it might have come across that I would do anything to get the job. Then I worry I laughed too hard at their jokes, or didn't laugh enough. I dunno...it could have been worse, right? I could have danced on the table and marched through the halls playing an imaginary trumpet.

Potpouri Part II of II

Guilt
I am feeling extremely guilty about going to this job interview on Thursday. I feel badly about working full time with babe. I don't know, I teach part-time now and that doesn't seem to bother me, but the idea of committing to working full time (along with the knowledge that also means other job responsibilities) is making me feel nervous and sad. I know that babe would be well taken care of, but its like I feel I should be there with her at all times.

Giddy
I've stumbled upon a really interesting idea about the relationship between language and religion. Not that I created it on my own, I owe it to good ole Kenneth Burke, but I have been trying to come up with a different version of his model and its made me quite giddy. Have you ever spent so much time thinking or working on something that you just get silly with it?

Go
I realized today as I was walking in the city through my old neighborhood that I want to go. I don't quite know where, but its hard for me to find places around here that make me feel good anymore. And maybe, yes I'll admit this, my husband could possible be right, its not the city, but just me. Some times, even when babe is with me I feel lonely. I want someone to talk to and not even about anything important. Just random old talk, and I think those are the times I miss my granny the most. Other times, I'm just so frustrated with having to commute to get to places (grocery store, appointments, work, etc) that I feel like its not always worth the hassle and so I stay at home and then feel really lonely because there aren't many folks around.
But I'm not even sure anymore where I want to go to, or if I'm just running from things within myself.

Potpouri Part I of II

Tomatoes
Tonight I was in Walmart with my mom, she was getting some stuff for Easter dinner. We were in produce and I noticed the tomatoes. I noticed a small package of them, they came in a pack of 3 in a small black plastic container. I remembered those being tomatoes my granny would buy. She'd get them and slice them up for tomatoe and mayo sandwhiches, or turkey and mayo sandwhiches. I didn't need tomatoes and they were expensive, like 2.58 for three, but I wanted to buy them just because they made my granny feel close.

Time
I have an interview. Yes, a real interview for a real teaching position this week, full time con benefits. *gasp* I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I have to use my time wisely the next few days to prepare for the interview, questions, presentation, travel.
I also have an abstract due for a 20 page paper and a CFP to finish for a paper on science and rhetoric, and a journal to index.
My dad says there is enough time in the day to do everything, but I've not figured that out yet.

Tug
Babe is tugging to stand up and walk now. If your sitting on the floor with her she wants to tug at your shirt and stand up, kinda grabbing you like, "Hey buddy, you might not want to move but I do." She's growing. So fast. Now she'll squirm to get down out of your lap so she can play on the floor. I swear, I just brought her home. I just had her, now she is moving around and about to do so independently.

***

Bubbly

Normally feeling bubbly is a good thing, but not if its happening in your stomach. My stomach is bubbly because I feel like I've got a good million things to do and just don't even know where to begin. That plus the fact that I drank so much apple juice today, more than one adult should. We've been trying to give babe other choices for food and drink, more than pureed babe food and milk, but she's not interested in much of anything unless its milk or strawberry yogurt.

So, we had apple juice and dammit I drank most of it. And now my stomach is gurgling.

***
On a side note, I must confess that I did it again. I bought another calendar/planner. I know, I know, its a cry for help because I buy them so damn often. Well, it used to not be that way, I'd buy one at the start of the school semester and that was it. Well, last year when shit started to hit the fan (gma's passing, moving, etc.) I started to buy them left and right because I was searching for one that would organize Me. Doesn't work that way. Well, today I got one, its really pretty and is large enough so I can keep my home lists along with my work lists and agendas all together in one place.

I'm afraid to write in it because my insane schedule might mess it up.
*looks around, flips the pages, things about using one of the new pens she just got, decides pencil is better*

Listing

Things that make me happy

1. Babe can pull herself up to stand with the support of her toy box, or a sofa, or more often, a mom or dad.

2. Babe eats yogurt and doesn't care for yucky sugary puddings.

3. I finally completed something on my list that had been on there for over a year.

4. Warm days that are not too hot or muggy.

5. Eating and drinking good food.

Things that make me sad

1. Missing my granny.

2. Hearing about other people dealing with cancer.

3. Missing having friends around.

4. Being lonely.

5. Sometimes, being alone.

6. Hearing about women who don't have access to health care during and after their pregnacies, deliveries, post-natal period.

Things that make me angry

1. People who don't respond to email.

2. Allowing myself to be shaped by the perception that others have of me, or rather the perception others have of themselves.

3. The fact that I believe so much of what I read.

4. Comparing and Contrasting.

5. Algebra

6. Having to take the GRE again.

7. Having to feel like I'm on the meat market again for school.

Things that make me excited

1. The fact that babe is growing so fast. (kinda sad too)

2. Thinking about school as a real prospect.

3. Thinking.

It only took me a year.

I lament over the excuses my students often give when they are turning in a late assignment: "Um, I forgot until a friend took me out for beers and then I started talking about how stupid this class is, and I'm like, sorry, but then I remembered, but by that time it was like 3 in the morning," "I had too many other issues to write this paper," "You mean we do have homework in this class? I thought it was just about writing." Yada, yada, yada. But I had a writing assignment, a review I was working on, that I should have finished like a year ago, but I just completed it. And it actually feels good. It feels really good.

I went out and got myself two filing boxes to try and organize my workspace here at home a bit more, I have a "Thinking" box and a "File" box, also known as in and out respectively. It does feel good to see things getting out of the Thinking box and into the filing box, makes me feel more accomplished.

I realize that I kinda have to work when the spirit moves me, which is not very often these days, or so it seems. So now I've got an entry to work on for a Hip Hop Journal article, and then I've got to figure out if I'm gonna try to respond to a call for papers about L1 and L2 writers. Then the next thing I want to tackle is my very outdated CV and teaching portfolio. My teaching philosophy I worked on earlier this year and for now I'm o.k. with it, but the portfolio is something I never really developed so now I've got to get that together.

I hope the story about the tortoise and the hare is right, slow and steady.

Poop

Babe and I were napping together this afternoon and I was just awakened by the smell of poop, not from Babe or myself (thankfully) but from dog who we have started to let have free roam of our house now that boxes have been put away and doors can actually be shut. Well, dog poohed in the Babe's room on her rug! Someone forgot to shut that door and now I've got to clean up in there. This is now forcing me to clean up around the rest of the house as well. I usually take one evening to just clean from top to bottom but because our schedules have been mad crazy I've not done that in quite a bit and now just clean as I go.

We bought a riding lawn mower today, it will arrive on Tuesday and we'll begin the other fun side of home-ownership, yard work. I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to, I actually like working in the yard, making clean neat lines, piles, putting colors together, watering, raking. Its weird because I hated it when I lived at home.

I have also waited until the very last minute to do homework that needs to be done today and so I will have to goad myself to now work on this.

Question for self: If I feel so stuck and unhappy here (in country, in Rivah city, with what I'm doing) why is it so difficult to get motivated to do things that would help me to be able to move forward and move out of this condition I'm in?

Answer: I don't know

Must clean.

inspiration

From my bro, who is also feeling the same way:

XXXXXXXX (12:09:50 AM): i just wanna do what Grandma saw in the both of us


Amen.

I'm down.

I just feel down. I lack the motivation and drive I once had. It used to be that I'd eat this shit and it would make me stronger, make me want to work harder, get back in the game, but now I just want to crawl in my bed.

I thought I'd be pulling myself back up by now and working hard to get back into school, but I'm not. I don't even feel excited about the whole business thing anymore. Things just seem really confused and messed up and like I can't focus to get them straight.

I just want to be in school. I miss it and the sad thing is I can't even get my flipping shit straight to focus to study for the GRE or to get application stuff together. I'm in such a slump, complaining and lamenting that I can't realize if I REALLY don't like where I'm at then I've got to be the one to change it. Its like I say it, but what do I do to really make a difference?

This makes no sense.

I miss my dreaming partner.

No motivation.

Bah. I've got so much to do and limited motivation which means I have to work in spurts. I did clean a bathroom today. Also responded to emails and phone calls.

The night is young. Perhaps I'll do more.

I hope.

I
need
to
work again.

But I just feel
blah.

Send working vibes me way ye ole net.

Things a Babe can Do

I realized that I hadn't posted a new list of things that a babe can do recently, so here we go.

1. Stand up with support.
2. Stand on her own for a few seconds.
3. Pull herself up.
4. Dance a very fast shaky dance to country music.
5. Pick out her favorite book from a pile of other books, currently _Elmo's Bedtime Tales_ or _Olivia_.
6. Point to objects she likes.
7. Point to objects she doesn't like.
8. Grunt for things she wants.
9. Grunt for things she doesn't want.
10.Give a kiss.
11. Stick her arms through her shirt.
12. Twinkle all her toes and her fingers at simultaneoulsy.
13. Play peek-a-boo by holding a blanket up in front of her face and then putting it down and screaming with laughter.
14. Go from being on her tummy to rolling herself over and sitting up.
15. Feed herself mashed up bits of food.
16. Kick the covers off when she's in bed.
17. Cuddle for naps.
18. Drink out of a cup.
19. Pull both socks off.

At 10 months she is quite amazing.

Recalcitrance 2.0

So I've been taking a class this semester and have come upon a theory that I welcome. Rarely do I study theory and welcome it, I usally have a hard time understanding how to put theory into practice (the real world). But, this time it kinda came the other way, I'd been experiencing something and could not really put it into words. I couldn't adequatley describe what I'd been going through, but now I have this theory that does a good job explaining what I'm going through.

Recalcitrance is something that Burke coined in his work Permanence and Change. It basically boils down to the idea that you can't just say anything and have it be true, the wolrd will and can force you to redefine your statements. For example, I could say, "I'll run out in front of traffic and be just fine." Well, if I did that I'd get hurt, duh, and so the physical world would have then forced me to redefine my statement to make it more true, "If I run out into traffic I'll get hurt."

My physical world has been challenged since my grandma passed, last June 20. Challenged, because so much of what I thought and believed was shaken and things I never imagined happened. My grandma's death changed the way my family functioned, at one time you could always find us together on a Friday night at my granny's house, but now its not like that anymore. And we are all trying to redefine our selves and our beliefs, our statments as we are met with this new kind of reality. I think that for me, so many times I was still trying to operate in the old way, like the old me, but that old me was being met with fierce opposition in this new reality. Trying to force things that just were not working really made me hurt. I'd had a lot of people tell me, in a lot of different ways that I needed to welcome the new me here and allow her to flourish. The new me was not made up of only my grandma's death, but the Babe's birth also. Within six weeks I was to be reshaped by two very cataclysimc events and I have had a very hard time allowing that new person to operate. Sometimes I let myself get so washed away in the way things were that I don't realize that there is a new version of myself, and she's not at all bad.

I guess just as with anything, there are always kinks that need to be worked out in new versions.

I'm working in an office...

my own office here at home. Because I had a Kafka/Gregor Metamorphosis moment and decided that I no longer wanted to feel sorry for myself or feel angry because I don't have a teaching job. So, I got up and decided to start a business. I know, random and weird as it may seem because I'm not the "Trump" type, I'm more the "Nutty Professor" but hey- a woman has got to do what a woman has got to do and that's to help put food on the table and pay for this house so I've started a consulting business and am trying to woo my first client.

Different, yes, but still it involves teaching (business communication/vocational ESL) and it allows me to plan and do lots of work from home.

I am the fourth person in my family now to start a business and I'll admit it has not been easy. I had to do a lot of soul-searching and reflecting and it took me getting really angry and really sad in order to move forward with this, but I am. And I'm glad.

family clap.

I know it sounds corny and hoaky (is that even a word?), but my family used to do this thing, a family clap. Say for instance, someone found out they did well in school, or got a raise, we'd all clap for that person and kinda holla a bit to show our support. Then, after that person got a clap, another person would want some attention and family love too and so they'd throw something out. Here's an example:

Cousin 1: I got a 100 on my math exam today.
Family: Way to go! Yahoooooo! *claps widely*

*another cousin, thinking about something that would warrant a clap, voices: I ate oat bran cereal today, instead of sugary coco puffs!

Family: Yahooo! *claps even louder*

We really hadn't done any family claps since my gma passed, almost 9 months ago now. I think mainly because we all kinda avoid hanging out together, its something about being together that reminds you that person is not there. But its a catch 22 because we do actually like being together. Our family's version of a fun weekend was clammering over to my gma's house, sprawled on her bed, her floor, around her dresser, telling stories, laughing at the TV and just enjoying one another, and then having the family clap.

But tonight, the clap returned. We were all in my mom's house, cousins, aunty, bro, DH, babe, erbody who was normally together and my cousin announced something, about his electrician work, and we broke out into a random family clap. At the moment, I can't even remember what about, but I just know we clapped.

Sit and Watch.

Today I had lots to do. Appointments that needed to be scheduled. Dishes that should have been washed. Laundry, oh the laundry, I didn't know that a 10 month old made that much laundry. Floors that were sticky from babe's new found passion of 'feeding the floor' and should have been washed. But I didn't do any of this, I just decided to take some time and sit and watch babe.

Babe is now 10 months old and while she has not crawled, we've tried most everything and still try to get her on her belly and to move like we do, but she is just not interested, but what she does love to do now is to pull herself up and try to wiggle-walk.

If you've ever seen the videos or kids dancing to the song, "Walk it Out," that's what babe does. Her legs go in every which direction, but forward, and she is so happy with herself. She hates sitting now, even for a moment, she wants us to hold her hands and help her brace herself as she pushes up and then stands and tries to walk. Today I just watched her in amazement, so happy, so proud of herself, this child wants to be mobile.

Maybe she can teach me how to dance.
We sat in her room for a bit

anybody read any good....

stuff on Motherhood in the 19th century in America?
I need to find some stuff....suggestions welcomed.

I kinda did it.

Last week I took a midterm in my ye ole grad course. I have not taken a midterm in like, uh, 8 years. I got the highest score on the essay.

um, yeah.

*does a shuffle.*
*looks around to see if anyone else is looking.*
*notices that she's alone.*
*breaks out in the running man and cabbage patch.*
*does the snake.*
*starts to pop and lock.*

So yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.

There's no place like home.

I really didn't move around very much as a kid. My folks were living in an apartment when I was born and moved into a house when I was around 2 or 3. We stayed in that house until my baby bro was born and then moved about two miles down the road to a larger home when he was about 2 or 3. For the most part, I lived in that last house until I got married at age 24. I did have two sabbaticals. The first came when I called my dad a dictator and moved out to my granny's. I lived with her about a year and then moved back home to start afresh with my family and work things out. Things didn't stay fresh very long and when they soured, I moved back in with my granny.
When I lived with at my granny's house I shared a small bedroom with my cousin. I stayed on the top bunk and had one plastic tote for clothes, two drawers for my things, and a desk for books, papers, and pictures. There were six of us living in a small three bedroom house with one bathroom, but we were all so happy.
At my parents house I had my own room, access to two bathrooms, and lots of space to move around. Most of the time I stayed in the room with my bro, camped out on a mattress on his floor. It was easier to be in their house if you surrounded yourself with others.
When I got married, the first apartment we lived in had one bedroom, one bath, a small closet kitchen, living room, and an office/dinning room space. It was by far, one of my most favorite places and remains to this day, my most comfy home (second only I guess to my granny's space). We didn't have much furniture or things, just our books, papasan chairs, and lots of book shelves. There were lots of windows that made it drafty in the winter, but it also provided the ideal place to sit and just people watch. We lived on the third floor and we sat on the corner of a really busy intersection. Across the street was a playground and soccer field. I loved it. The action in the summer nights of the lights being on over at the park and people playing sports in the evening, the steady ebb and flow of cars and lights. It was in that apartment that I found out I was preggers with babe.
We moved when I was about 4 months preggers to a larger apartment around the corner. Same complex, but a larger space and it was on the first floor. That apartment was horrible. From the beginning there were problems, backed up pipes, people starting fires in the laundry room (which was housed in the basement of the building), strangers wandering in and out of the building, vacant apartments that drew unsavory creatures, gas leaks, and the final straw was that the floor in the living room crumbled to pieces when a pipe burst and caused water and goo to leak down to the subflooring.
We moved in with my parents, babe, DH and I and waited for the house we'd gotten in the county to be fixed so that we could move in.
So thats where I'm at now. But I'm wondering why I still haven't felt settled in just yet. Certainly, we are unpacked, cook good meals, enjoy our books, and more importantly our babe! But for some reason I'm still not feeling like its home. Now don't get me wrong, after a long day of work I am ready to come back and take a shower, unwind and get to bed, wanting to recharge. But its not the same as when I lived in that first apartment.
Haven't quite figured out what's missing just yet. Perhaps it is something I've lost or not yet unpacked along the way.

Not backwards but forwards

Once upon a time, in a world far away there lived a young woman who had a plan. Her plan was to go to graduate school and get a PhD in rhetoric. She was going to far away place from her native greenland. This new place was down a cold road, but she was not afraid. She knew that if she could get in, she would make it and do well. Well, she did. She got in. She celebrated and was congratulated. Then, things started to happen. Nothing that the young woman could control, her DH's mother took ill, she got preggers, and things just started changing. It was a lot to take in and at first she was quite angry. Bitter in fact, because she thought that now she would truly be behind. She had been told once by a wise elf, "Never move backwards. Even if you can only take a half step forward, don't go back." So she prided herself in always moving about this way. But this, she could not fathom. She had succeeded in getting into a good school and getting full funding, it was at her fingertips and now gone.
***
I've been reading blogs by folks who are in academia, either tenured or up for tenure or finishing dissertations, working on course work, etc. That was what got me into reading blogs and blogging in the first place. I also was having a conversation with a good professor friend/mentor/sister who is very well known in her profession. She helped me to see things in a different way. She said that coming into the academy after you've had some 'livin' experiences can often help you see through some of the bull-shish that is sure to be there. I think that my problem was that I kept thinking, "I'm doing this backwards, I'm not doing it in the order I was supposed to." Now, who has dictated that 'order'? Lots of folk, my dad, society, some 'progressive' thinkers, "Get into school, finish your education, don't have kids until you are COMPLETE."

Well check this one out, maybe realizing your completeness can come in different ways. In no way do I think I feel 'complete' but I do have a greater awareness that I didn't have pre-babe. An awareness of what matters to me, to others. What if I feel like I know more about myself now because I've had to take on another role as mother, this person called "Mama."

***
And now the woman lives still in a green land, now with a babe who dances and eats crunchy cereal in her yogurt, and loves to read books about farm animals, and eat her mother's books on philosophy and literary theory. She wants to become one with the knowledge. And her mother is learning that through her. While her mother does not consume books through her mouth, she is voraciously reading and thinking and seeing connections with research that she never realized were there.

This same woman is though still nervous. Still kicks her feet around and looks sheepish when she's thinking about having to 'get back out there' on the 'graduate school horse.' Afraid she'll fall off and once and for all have to really think of something else to do. But there is babe, babe who is teaching me in knew ways, so perhaps during one of their late night reading frenzies, babe will point out a new direction.

Chai

Last night I got even sicker. I woke up, or rather couldn't sleep and had chills and a fever. At some point I bumbled into the bathroom and tried to take a shower. I had what my bro and I call the 'shakes.' The shower worked for a little bit but then the fever went up and broke at some point during the night because I woke up and was soaked, my hair, shirt, pants, the blanket I'd wrapped myself up in. It was miserable. I also had a 'fever dream.' I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this, but it happens sometimes when you have a fever and are just having really weird dreams. In the dream someone was trying to get me to deliver a package and walk a straight line while doing so. I was freaking out and trying to hide. Weird-o.

Yesterday I submitted my first piece for publication. I won't know until a while if it was accepted, the editors seemed interested, but who knows. I'm not holding my breath. It does feel good to know that I did at least have a deadline and was able to meet it.

On the job front, no word yet from anywhere. I'm not really worried yet, I think that because I've been an adjunct for so long (frown, I know, mistake it is) {look at me doing Yoda}, I've always kinda had it looming that maybe I won't get classes for the following semester, but semester after semester I did, sometimes I'd be teaching six courses, two American lits and 4 freshman comps at two different institutions. So, because I got used to the steady flow of work I never really thought it would stop, well now it has. After this semester I don't have any courses, any where. What's weird, is that I'm not scared at all, or worried. I realize I don't have any control over policies or hiring (especially when I KNOW I'm a damn good teacher-no big playah pants there, its just the truth). I've been toying around with starting my own consulting business for the past year and maybe its just time for me to do something different.

I must now fix myself a cup of chai with soy milk and eat a mini pound cake slice.
Small pleasures.

I am ill.

There are horrible colds, viruses, and other assorted bugs running rampant. Our house has been sick for the past week now, first it started with DH. He had a bad cold, headache, stomach stuff, etc. Then babe got horrible fevers, now a cough that she actually seems amused by. Yesterday, I got sick. My throat was scratchy and today it felt like my sinuses were swollen.

When I was young, my sick routine was to eat grilled cheese, Ramen noodles, and hot coco.

Today I craved apple juice and drank the entire gallon of apple juice we'd bought for wee babe. So I managed to get some clothes on and take a trip to Target to get more juice.

My head hurts and I've been writing this paper for the past 2 hours.

Must finish.

Letter to the Blog-o-sphere Teacher

Remember when you were in school and you missed a day, your mom or dad had to write a letter when you returned to say why you were absent? My mom used to write these for me. So, because I've been absent for about 26-7 days from the blog-o-sphere, I decided to write a letter, my mom doesn't know what a blog is so I couldn't get her to do it.

Dear Blog-O-Sphere:

Please excuse Ilnizzzah from being absent. She has not been able to read nor post to blogs because for the past three weeks she has been very busy. Ilnizzzah is taking a graduate course this spring to try and 'work her way' back into being a grad student, she hopes to apply to a graudate program for her PhD in the near future. However, what she failed to realize is that it is extrememly difficult to manage being a new mom, a new home owner, a wife, a teacher, a sister, a daughter, and a cousin and also read 100-200 pages and write critiques that actually make sense. She also did not take into account that she'd have to start a job search because her current employment is about to be over. She was saddened by this, but is now working to start her own business, so as you can see she does have her hands full!

I am not writing to get sympathy, because Ilnizzzah well understands that there are people out there who have far less and have to do far more than she wrap her head around. I am writing just to let you know that she regrets being absent, but had to reset her priorities and hopes to be more of an active participant because she does so enjoy blogging.

Ilnizzzah is working very hard to learn how to balance all of her roles and responsibilities. It has not been easy, but I feel she is making progress.

Thank you for you attention to this,

Ilnizzzah in the *parent* role

If you blog it, it will come......

In keeping with the post from Cheese & Responsibility, “If You Blog It, It Will Come,” these are the things I wish for:

On a Global Front:
*Affording housing. When there are people who live in subhuman conditions, there should not be vacant apartments, houses.

*All children have access to a good education. This means, teachers who are qualified and receive continuing education, are paid a living wage, are given the supplies they need to teach. This also means students are not treated as prisoners in their schools.

*More awareness about what is going on in Africa, the AIDS epidemic, War crimes (rape and mutilation of women, children, men), genocide.

On a More Personal Front:
*For my daughter, husband, and myself to get over these colds/bugs.

*To be able to find a full time job teaching.

*To decide what kind of PhD program is going to work best for me.

*To finish my class this semester with a good grade.

*To gain more confidence in myself.

*To loc my hair.

umf.

That's the sound I'm making right now. I just drank too much water and need to burp. I also need to:

bring in the laundry
pump milk
get clothes out for tomorrow
finish an application
write a proposal
respond to email
grade papers
finish a 'fun' book
get babe's toys washed
take a shower
pack babe's bag
prep food for tomorrow
clean the family room
take a shower
find some me time

umf.

I haven't posted in quite some time and its because I've been so busy and trying really hard to find a balance between my roles as mother, wife, teacher, student, and er-thing else. I've not been the most successful, but hey, I guess it really depends on how you define success. Babe is well fed and happy. We had her 9 month check up at the doctors this week, she is a nice 24 pounds, 28 inches. Its so amazing how quickly she grows. She also throws mini tantrums, the doc had a tongue depresser and she let babe hold it, when babe proceeded to try to eat said depresser doc took it away and babe threw a fit. Her fits are actually cute (and I KNOW they won't be when she's 2 or 3) but she looks at you then the object and kinda shakes her head then lets out a little yelp. We've been having to really talk about how we want to discipline her. Neither DH nor myself believe in spanking, but we also don't want to fall at the other end of the spectrum, the folks who don't believe in saying no. So, another facet of parentling enters.

I can never say that I'm bored with a babe around. Tonite my mom held her hands and she started to take small little steps. A part of me was so happy and wanting to cheer another part of me wanted to cry. She's still my babe! I just had her! She was so small and wee! Now she poops turds!

Ok, maybe too much info but I'm tired and need a shower because I need to be able to function properly tomorrow.

umf.