Thinking about roles and rolls

This post over at Cheese and Responsibility really made me think about the various roles that I've assigned to myself and those that have been assigned to me by others (parents, family, husband, environment).

It was this portion of C&R's post that really stuck out to me:

Basically, I still exist in that bifurcated pre-adolescent state where you feel like a princess but live the life of a scullery maid. I was never one to really want to be a princess. I wanted to be a pirate.

I can identify with this on so many different levels. As I child I was a complete and total ham. And I mean that in the porkiest way possible. I loved attention, thrived off it. I would dress up in my auntie's old skirts and high heels, grab a bed post (mic) and stomp out Diana Ross tunes. I liked to play school and always be the one in charge, my favorite part of this activity was putting students out of the classroom and making report cards for them to take home. However, I never wanted to be a teacher. I guess at the time, I didn't think there was enough authority or power attached to it. So, like most kids I wanted to be an astronaut. I was determined. I'd build space shuttles with blankets, boxes, sheets, chairs, wood, whatever I could find. I'd use a play cash register as the 'buttons' and fly off into space. I stuck with the career choice of astronaut's for quite some time, then it shifted and I wanted to be a housewife. I'd cook in my kitchen, make pies out of dirt and grass, rock my dolls and diaper & wash them. I'd even give them hair cuts. This lasted for a bit, then I decided it was a doctor I needed to be. I wanted to wear a white coat, have a pager and have people shout my name.

The one fantasy I remember the most is that as a kid I'd play in my grandma's backyard in this alcove where tree limbs grew together and created a mini cave of sorts (well, a tree cave) I would pretend to be a maiden who had to fix rock stew for the forest creatures. I'd travel up and down the small inclines in my grandma's backyard, pretending they were mountains. I'd sneak and get water from the fountain, slosh it around and cook with it. I would dance in the middle of the yard with elves and witches and wizards. I loved pretending that I could live in a forest, in a cove of trees, with a lake, and everything I'd ever need right there.I think I forgot to mention that I'd do this all while in full costume, usually a long skirt or dress, because that's what all maidens wore, and sometimes my ballet shoes.

Looking back on it, its interesting to see how I moved from one phase/stage to another and this continued throughout elementary-middle-high school-college-grad school-now. In high school I wanted to be the center of attention, in college I kinda faded to the background and was happier their. But my career choices still mirror this weird dichotomy of wanting to be important, powerful, and honor simplicity. As an undergraduate I thought I wanted to be a doctor (an orthopedic surgeon), then I thought I wanted to be a teacher, then a lawyer, then I feel into the teaching thing with volunteer work I did. Initially, I wanted to teach high-school or elementary, but got a taste for teaching at the 2 & 4 year levels and was sold. I thought that a masters degree in my area (composition) would help ensure me an instructorship position, but it didn't. I fell into semester after semester of adjuncting, until I had to make some life decisions and get a full time job and adjunct in the evenings. I'm back at that issue of power now. I feel so powerless that I hunger and long to go back to school to finish my degree. But with that degree comes even more responsibility (and power). Responsibility and stress, and I'm at a point in my life where I no longer (thankfully) put myself first always. I've got a family to think about now, and that makes me ask myself whether or not this is something I still want.

Truth be told, on a day like this, I want nothing more than to dance in a field with fairies and wizards.