Commitment

Had an interesting conversation with my dad two nights ago. I'm amazed because growing up, I never thought he really knew or understood me. We were discussing my fears about becoming a mother, my dislike of work, and my fear of never returning to school*.

Well, he told me that I had no faith and that I'm not grounded. Then he recounted and said that actually there were two things I was grounded in, my husband and my education. He was so dead-on with that it wasn't funnny.

With everythign else I'm a waffle, just not certain about much of anything. I don't know what has caused me to be this way, but its just so true. I love my husband more than life itself and I love education as well. Through my husband I see goodness, with education I see liberation.

Now, this is not to say that I don't believe in anything outside of myself, husband, and education. I would like to say I'm a person of faith (just not sure which one). I find truth and beauty in so many different paths that its so difficult for me to find one that makes me say, this is it! My mother has told me that this is what I get for immersing myself in academia-learning a little bit about everything and questioning/doubting-but istn't that a part of finding faith? Didn't St. Augustine do this? Aristotle? Isn't this how you find out what you really believe?

I guess that I'm also thinking about this now because of the pregnancy and because my family wonders which holidays to buy Cucumber presents for. I've assured them that they should go ahead and buy for all. Except Kawanaza.

I'm such an ass.




*Note, I'm not gonna start a PhD in the Fall of 06 at the moment. Details to follow at a later date.