Rethinking: away

I'm thinking back over what I wrote. And noticing how I sound.

Angry, still. Sad. Pessimistic. Maybe a bit hopeful?

I still got a long ways to go, with everything.

I want to learn from all of this. Being pregnant has taught me so much, and opened my eyes to so much, some times whether I wanted to or not. But one thing I'm thinking al0t about is what is really important to me. This baby, my family, my work. But yet I have so much fear, and it feels like so little faith at times.

I'm too tired to think anymore right now and Cucumber has settled to kick me on just one side, which means I need to go to bed.

Maybe not thinking is the key to this one.

away.

Christmas has come and gone. The days after always seemed kinda sad to me as a kid, all that excitement and then poof, its gone. My family was never really big with doing anything for New Year's. We'd stay up until midnight watching TV, but that was about it. A few times I'd stay with my cousin at my grandma's house. She'd let us buy all the junk food we wanted and stay up and watch cable. That was a big deal coming from a house where junk food equaled stale twinkies and we had no cable until 1999.

This year, we really didn't do any gift exchanges, all the money is being saved for the baby now. We did go to church with my dad and H's mom, which was nice. The past couple of days its also been nice just to operate on my own schedule. Eat when I want, sleep when I want, move when I want. Everyone keeps reminding us to enjoy this now, because once she gets here, its all over.

Tonight I've decided to start clearing out our extra bedroom. We don't really plan to have a true nursery for her, she'll stay in our room for quite some time. But this spare room is used as a junky office right now, and I want to try to utilize all the space we have in the apartment. I cleared out a file drawer and started looking through old papers from classes I taught during the Spring.

Spring 05 I was teaching composition and literature courses and eagerly awaiting to here about my PhD application at the place I applied. I was very different then, for lots of reasons. Some good, some bad. In just a matter of months, I'm in awe at how quickly things can change. And, at how I have so little control over any of it. Six months ago, I was looking for a full time job so that my husband could finish his Masters full time, work part time, and save up enough for our move because of my acceptance into a PhD program. I felt like I could do anything, and that I had it all worked out.

I got a full time job, and within in a month of that, found out I was pregnant. I still felt like I was on course, could finish working the job, husband could finish degree, hey the baby would even be at his graduation. About two months after that, my husband's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We started to think about whether or not we really could move so far with this diagnosis. Granted, the move was still 6-8 months away, but I had to let the school know for sure whether or not I was coming. The doctors couldn't tell us anything other than that she would need chemo after the surgery, and with the surgery not happening until late December, the chemo would not start until the end/beginning of February and we didn't know how long it would last. With the baby due in April and the move scheduled for June, I knew it couldn't be done. I told them I wasn't coming.

So much of the angst and anger I felt initially came from selfishness, I wanted my plan to work because I had created it and I liked it. Nuff said. Then I became angry because I started to feel stuck. Stuck in this city where I've been all my life. Stuck in a job I dread going to every day. Stuck with so few opportunities to actually do what I love, teach and write and research. I just got angry. And then I got sad. So sad, there would be days when I'd have tears in my eyes as I worked. Days when I would cry and half the time not even really understand why. Looking back on it, I know that some of the time this was probably my hormones, but it also comes from this disorder I have. The constant need to be in control and the feeling that I can think myself out or into anything. H says its comes from school, the idea that I can read a book and think or mull over something and come up with an answer in no time flat. I agree, I am so addicted to school and reading that in some ways it probably does affect me socially, but for so long, its just been all that I know.

And now, I know that I don't know. I'm not sure that I'm okie with that, but I've come to that realization. There are just some things I don't know the answer to, and no amount of reading or thinking on my part is gonna give me an answer. If you had told me a year ago, that I'd be pregnant, a full-time secretary, not going back to school anytime soon, and going through the illness of a family member all at the same time, I' d have frozen. And in some ways I have frozen. I have days where I don't quite know what to do, what move to make, and its like I just find myself going through the motions. But I have to believe. I have to believe that all of this is happening at this very moment for a reason.
And I can't ask why, or I can ask but it might not be revealed.

Tonite there are so many different parts of me that feel so far away; my writing self, my teaching self, my worry self, my planning self, my just-make-do or half-ass self. Some of those selves I miss, some of them I don't. This pregnancy has taught me to honor myself and not be half-ass with anything. I want to do my best because I want to set a good example for my daughter. But I miss the teaching and writing selves. I'm not able to dedicate myself to those things right now, there are too many other things I have to tend to. I don't miss the worry self, not at all. As weird as it may seem, this pregnancy has provided me with a calmness I never felt before. It gives me reason to stop and feel. Not only to feel what's going on inside of me, but what's going on around me as well.

That other person I was months ago, just feels so far away from me right now. I want part of her to come back, but I don't know if she will, or if she should.

Due Dates don't mean Much

I forgot to mention in the past post about the ultrasound, apparently there is more confusion on my due date. Now I've heard the following:

April 16
April 26
April 29
May 2

Anybody got any ideas?

...and the Saga shall begin... (Week 20/21?)

So, last Friday (12/16/05) was the big day, we had our 5 month/ 20 week prenatal visit with complete ultrasound. Amazing. (I've got to find another word to use, but I'm finding that there are very few words that can really describe this process.)

The doctor did the ultrasound with H standing just behind him, the room was dark and there is a small monitor that shows the pictures, everything is in black in white. The first thing we saw was the head, the doctor measured and we are happy to report that all is normal, then the spine, a long white snake-looking thing, with tiny vertebrae, gorgeous. Then the abdomen, where we saw a tiny beautiful heart, beating away. We saw the chest cavity, stomach, liver, and all of the other organs that the doctor looks for. Then, baby began to get antsy and wanted to show us what the purpose of this visit was really all about, cartwheels! As soon as the doctor would press down with the wand to get a good close look, flip, and we'd see the butt. Legs stretched, arms moved, hands pushed, lets hope baby is this eager when its time for delivery.

The doctor asked us if we wanted to know if we were having a boy or girl, we'd agreed before that we wanted to know, but we just didn't want to share the name with anyone. So, doc zoomed in to focus between the legs, and what did we find? An umbilical cord! The cord was planted nicely were genitals should be! He waited and looked a bit more, and sure enough, it looks like a girl. A gorgeous, sassy, smart, girl. We are thrilled!

After we left the hospital we started to discuss all the cool things we want her to do: soccer, yoga, tai ji, kung fu, Yale, Oxford, Rhodes Scholar, guitar player, and of course, just be happy. Then we started to think about when she'd break curfew, want to date, tell us that she wanted to wear tight clothes and not want to go to school, I nearly balled.

How is it possible to love such a little person who kicks me in my gutt every hour, nestles her head in my rib cage (or feet, I can't tell), gives me the worse gas I've ever had in my life, keeps me awake at night with horrible leg cramps, and makes me cry for no apparent reason? I don't know, but this is all so amazing.

I'm a hatah baby, I just want ya to know...

I am learning so much about myself, but its a son-of-a-gun that it takes hard/difficult/challenging times in order for me to do this learning. I always want to do it the easy way, like, can't I read a book or take a class on it, or something?

I've had a most difficult time readjusting myself to the fact that everything and everybody does not work on my schedule. I know, I know, this lesson will be best learned when the baby gets here and begins to rule the roost with an Iron fist. I don't know where this need to control and plan comes from in me, but its something that I battle constantly.

I think that is one of the reasons I'm afraid of labor, because I know that I won't be in control- not the I that I'm so accustomed to. The I that will be in control will be a primordial I, my body, that will instinctively know what to do (or so I've been told). But how do I know that I can trust that I? A few weeks ago, I wrote about how my dad said that I lack grounding, or how the only things I've ever really been grounded in are my husband and my education. That is so true. How do I ground myself in both I and I?

Rumble in Me Tummy-Week 20

The sweetest bestest thing about this week is that Cucumber moves enough now so that I can feel it. I can't really describe the feeling, but its so sweet. It's like a miniture rumble or temble in my tummy ever so often.

Certain foods and drinks seem to cause the rumble even more: orange juice, pasta w/ veggies, and pancakes. This kid likes to eat already.

The pinched nerve doesn't hurt quite as bad, but I've been tired lately and I think its because the baby is going through another growth spurt.

Next week is our 21 week visit and we shall determine if said Cuke is a boy or girl (and pray that all is growing according to plan), either way we have a majorly cool name....stay tuned!

GradeSchool Grammars...

I went to small Catholic schools all my life, until College. And I do mean small. The school I went to for grades K-3 actually closed down because of low enrollment, then I switched to another for 4-8, but that school had 0 funds. Most of the kids were there on some form of scholarship or the nuns and Church helped to pay their way. That school actually closed down a year ago because they were so in the hole, as far as funding goes. Then my first year of high school I went to a very small Catholic prep school. Total enrollment, grades 9-12:60. Yup. They closed down too. I finally finished up high school for grades 10-12 at a larger (156 grades 9-12) all girls school. Needles to say, I've had some pretty interesting experiences.

My elementary schools were both made up primarily of lower-middle class folks. The first one, was really diverse in terms of color, but the second was all black with the exception of 3-5 white kids who were there. Some of my fondest memories from both those schools had nothing to do with the kids, I really didn't have any friends. But the libraries were amazing for me.

At the first school, we'll call it Divine Mother K-8, there was a huge library that took up most of the second floor. In the early days of the school, there was money and funding, but as the neighborhood broke down and people starting moving to the suburbs and sending their kids to school out there, the school changed too. But this library was amazing. I remember the checker-boxed floor, it was always cold. There were radiators that heated the building, but anyone who has had the experience of a radiator heated building/house/apartment knows that you are only warm if you are within two feet of the thing. In the summer, the library was hot, with an old air conditioner trying its best to push cool air out into the large room. There were book shelves that lined all of the walls. In the center there was a large old colorful carpet and rocking chair. The chair was were the librarian would sit to read to us. She was the stereotypical librarian, short, chunky, thick hair cut short but still out of control, and glasses so thick you could barely see her eyes.
We went to the library as a class once a week, but were able to go more often if we wanted. I adored reading. I mean adored. My grandmother taught me to read when I was about 3 years old and it was like starting a fire in a woods full of dry brush. The most exciting thing about trips to the library was the independence you felt. As a kid there are very few choices you get to make for yourself, but in this place, this space, I was allowed to choose any book I wanted. I read everything from astronomy to mysteries to history. I loved learning about space and I really enjoyed Hellen Keller's biography and the Nancy Drew series. When that school closed down at the end of my 3rd grade year, the librarian told me that I'd read the equivalent to all the books on two of the largest walls.

At my next school the library was much smaller. About the size of a large master bedroom, the walls were full of books and in the center of the room there were about 2 or 3 computers. That school, we'll call St. Augustine's sufferred greatly when it came to finding ways to gain money. There were rarely new books, and many of the ones we had were so old. By the time I graduated, four years, I'd read every book in that library, including the ones for the younger kids because I would read to them in their classrooms. By this time I'd also discovered book stores and the thrift store. My mom and I would go to the Goodwill on the weekends and for five bucks I could load up. Thats where I discovered Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird and S.E. Hinton's That was Then, This is Now. I also read your typical pre-teen girly books, the Sweet Valley Twins series and the Babysitter Club books, but I always came back to the more serious ones, the ones that would make me cry or shiver because I could feel what the characters were going through.

In high school I was fortunate to have great English teachers, so while we read the traditional Chaucer, Shakespeare, Hemingway, we were also introduced to really good contemporary writers as well (Sherri Reynolds and Jane Smiley to name a few). My favorite book from high school would have to be Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. I think it was the layers, the way Conrad was able to have his character move deep into the Congo and not only change the scenery, but the way the character was seeing and how we as readers saw him. It was also my first introduction to African history. Or I guess, questioning the history I was being taught and read about.

In college I of course became an English major, but my reading was actually stifled during that time period. There were more choices, a larger library, the ability to check out as many books as I wanted, but there wasn't that same sense of freedom that I felt back in 3rd grade. I no longer felt like I could wander into the science section, or history. I stayed in the literature section and read only what my teachers told me, or what I thought I was supposed to read.

Here lately though, I've been reading like a 3rd grader again. When I wonder around in the book store I try to hit all the sections, not just fiction or Oprah's choices. We should all read like 3rd graders.

growing too fast

This week I have had more growing pains than I expected. My back, stomach, ribs, and pieces that I didn't even know exisisted on my body have been stretched, and from what I can tell will continue to stretch for the next 41/2 months. Wow.

I even went to the drs b/cs of all this stretching, but apparently its all normal. I noticed today after my yoga class that I felt much better, the stretching and positions I forced my body into really helped to work out some of those kinks. The stress I've been under since Thanksgiving also probably hasn't really helped anything either.

But, its almost time for Christmas break, a nice few weeks off, and in a couple of weeks I get to find out if Cucumber is a boy or girl, hopefully not both.

Until then, I'm dealing with the stretching, gas, and quickening movements and just trying to keep it all together as best I can.

***
Cucumber seems to really like my left side for flips and movement more than any other side. Cool.