I first learned about blogs because the PhD program I was due to start at was big on blogging. Well, it wasn't like they were just all about blogs, but lots of the students and faculty members were into this, so I started reading their blogs which of course leads you to other blogs, and before you know it, your addicted to a good 10 that you have to read each day.
Well, for a while, after I realized I wasn't going to be able to go to school in the fall because of the baby and my MIL's cancer, I just stopped reading the academic-related blogs because it was difficult. It was hard for me to read about rhetorical theory, research projects, seminar papers, books, classes, teaching, conferences, etc, because for so long that has been what I thought I was going to be about, and to have my life turn around so suddenly, it took some time for me to actually work through things. And I must admit, I'm still working through. No, I don't regret the baby and I don't have ill feelings towards MIL, but most of all I was just mad at myself. Angry because I know that life throws twists and turns, why was it so difficult for me to learn to be more resilliant? I used to pride myself on always having a plan B, C, D, and E. Never just one. But I slacked, I got comfortable, and God threw me a curve ball. Again, the lesson or theme for today seems to be 'thinking outside of myself,' but now I don't have a complaint to spew, but a fear.
I started reading academic-related blogs again today and I'm fearful. Not jealous. Not angry. Not anything else, just fearful. Why? Because I feel like I'm so out of the game, not around scholars, not in school, not studying to be a scholar, not writing, not reading (well, nothing that amounts to much), and just not using my head and thinking, or trying to take things to the next level. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it again. Afraid I may have lost it. Now days, once I finish working my 8 hours, I do what most folks do, the folks I'd sworn I'd never be like, I go home, get food and park it in front of the TV. By 10, I'm ready for a shower, more TV and then the bed. Then I get up and do it all over again. On the weekends, its grocery store, cleaning, church, then hit repeat. Last year at this time I was teaching, working on a grant-funded research project, and was just about to get my acceptance into Grad school.
I don't want to be too hard on myself (thats a first!) because hey, I am pregnant and it is harder to move around, I'm more tired and tend to get irritated very easily, but I just wonder, is there any way I can get back into that groove? Maybe the problem is that I'm a different kind of peg now and I can no longer fit into that groove, I'm trying to force myself into something I am not. But then what kind of peg am I, and how can I create a groove that will fit me?
I do want to go to school, I do want a PhD, I do want to write, I do want to research, and overall, I do want to teach. Those things help to complete me, they are just who I am. But now, there is another part of me as well, this part that is going to be a mother, and this part that has had to act in more of a supportive role than before while we've been dealing with MIL's illness.
How can I expect myself to be able to do all those things and keep a family in balance? My family will always come first, but its my use of time and my thinking that will have to change.
I'm afriad I'm not who I thought I was, or who I thought I was going to be. And maybe the problem is that I was holding on to one set image of myself and now that image is whats going to have to change? But how do hold myself up to it? How do you write when you feel out of it? Okie, lets cut the bull-shit as my dad would say, how do you kick yourself in the ass?
As Moe Greene said, " I gotta business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right."
Damn Moe, now how can I do that?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
if you are in your 20s, feel you are not gonna be what you thought and are not an athlete then you have a problem.
I don't think you understand, or maybe its not that but so much as I'm not explaining myself clearly. No, the probelm is that in the past (and present) I have a tendency to expect myself to follow through on what I've planned, and I have a very difficult time when I can't or don't do that, even for circumstances beyond my control. Now, my fear is not that I can't go to school/won't go/ can't teach/etc, but how do I continue to motivate myself when its easy to be discouraged and lazy. Which are also two demons I've been fighting. Maybe the easiest way is to just shut the hell up about it allready. Fageddaboutit.
Someone is feeling. v. gangster today.
With the average lifespan in the mid/upper 70s and still increasing, you have plenty of time to change your mind about who you want to be when you grow up. 27 isn't even near midlife yet.
That said, I think that your problem is one that everyone shares - that whole "use it or lose it" mentality. But it's also the problem of "easy" kicking in. It's easy to write when you're in school and around scholars. It's hard to write when you're the only person giving yourself deadlines and making you write.
The only suggestions I have are to set a reasonable goal for yourself or join a writer's group. I also try to read whatever it is that I want to write. So if you're wanting to stay in the theory biz, go check out a book that looks interesting and see if that inspires you.
so true tree. DH was reminding me of the same thing, i just tend to be such a black/white person when I look at things that if i don't go all the first go around, i go home. lol
you both have inspired me.
Post a Comment