do you think i'm crazy?

I really dig the Gnarles Barkley song. My bro and I have been saying that it really relates to how we're both feeling at the moment. Kinda down, missing our granny, wondering what's up with the world, and how in the hell we fit into this atmosphere. I just don't know. Some days I feel like I have no answers at all.

Like today for example. I have so much that I need to get done: an article to review, lessons to plan, GRE to study for, contacts for Grad school, clean the house, do laundry, and the list goes on. But I didn't do any of it. Some days I just don't see the need, or better I should say, I don't have the want to do things, not like I used to.

I'm trying to avoid comparing myself too much to how I used to be, because the person I was no longer exists. At least in parts she does, but she's different now. Why am I referring to myself in 3rd person? Maybe because I'm trying to distance myself from myself (mmm) and try to take a look at who I've become. I don't know, it's really cliche to say that having a baby changes you. It does, I don't argue that at all. But how does it change you? I guess its different for everyone. In some ways I think it makes you more focused, in my case, my little one commands attention and it means quite often I have to put other things on hold. I don't complain about this though, because it has taught me how to prioritize. I can now quick-spot-clean our apartment in 20 minutes, or fix myself something to eat, or grab a shower and check email. There's a lot that can be done in that amount of time. But having her has also made me re-examine exactly what's important to me. And to long for things to be simple.

Some days I just don't give a who about theory or writing or teaching or learning, not unless it has to do with my baby. It scares me though, because some days I just don't see the point of the work I've spent so much time on, so much time thinking about, and really trying to work my way up that ladder. Some days I wonder if I've fallen, out of the 'ivory tower' wanna-be syndrome and if I've plummeted to where I was before I knew what academia was about.

My first experience with teaching came about 5 years ago. I taught immigrants and refugees English. I loved it. I would have a classroom packed with 20-30 people each night, friends would bring friends, mothers would bring grandma, grandma would bring aunties. And I would work on the most basic things with them, learning to read signs, reciting the alphabet, counting money, filling out forms for the doctor's office. It was tiring and I spent way more time prepping those lessons than I did working on my own stuff for grad school, but I loved it. I felt like I really had the power to change lives, to help people. It made me feel good when a student would come back and tell me she'd gotten a job or when they would thank me in English. I really felt that I made a difference. Now, I don't know. I don't get that feeling. I think I'm really disillusioned from with the world of academia right now. Working as an adjunct also doesn't help any. No benefits, no ability to travel, and no hope for promotion unless you adjunct for a gazillion years and are willing to kiss ass. I'm just not at that point in my life anymore.

I guess its more just a part of me being able to see that there are other ways to claim success in life, and they don't always have to do with titles or status.

I'm wondering if I don't need to seriously rethink my career choice. I used to see the benefit of my going to school and pursing comp studies/rhetorical analysis stuff, but now I just ask myself why? And who am I going to help that way? I know I need to be a teacher, its just what I am, its what I do, its a part of my core. But how can I help those who need it the most? That's what I feel called to do.