Not backwards but forwards

Once upon a time, in a world far away there lived a young woman who had a plan. Her plan was to go to graduate school and get a PhD in rhetoric. She was going to far away place from her native greenland. This new place was down a cold road, but she was not afraid. She knew that if she could get in, she would make it and do well. Well, she did. She got in. She celebrated and was congratulated. Then, things started to happen. Nothing that the young woman could control, her DH's mother took ill, she got preggers, and things just started changing. It was a lot to take in and at first she was quite angry. Bitter in fact, because she thought that now she would truly be behind. She had been told once by a wise elf, "Never move backwards. Even if you can only take a half step forward, don't go back." So she prided herself in always moving about this way. But this, she could not fathom. She had succeeded in getting into a good school and getting full funding, it was at her fingertips and now gone.
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I've been reading blogs by folks who are in academia, either tenured or up for tenure or finishing dissertations, working on course work, etc. That was what got me into reading blogs and blogging in the first place. I also was having a conversation with a good professor friend/mentor/sister who is very well known in her profession. She helped me to see things in a different way. She said that coming into the academy after you've had some 'livin' experiences can often help you see through some of the bull-shish that is sure to be there. I think that my problem was that I kept thinking, "I'm doing this backwards, I'm not doing it in the order I was supposed to." Now, who has dictated that 'order'? Lots of folk, my dad, society, some 'progressive' thinkers, "Get into school, finish your education, don't have kids until you are COMPLETE."

Well check this one out, maybe realizing your completeness can come in different ways. In no way do I think I feel 'complete' but I do have a greater awareness that I didn't have pre-babe. An awareness of what matters to me, to others. What if I feel like I know more about myself now because I've had to take on another role as mother, this person called "Mama."

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And now the woman lives still in a green land, now with a babe who dances and eats crunchy cereal in her yogurt, and loves to read books about farm animals, and eat her mother's books on philosophy and literary theory. She wants to become one with the knowledge. And her mother is learning that through her. While her mother does not consume books through her mouth, she is voraciously reading and thinking and seeing connections with research that she never realized were there.

This same woman is though still nervous. Still kicks her feet around and looks sheepish when she's thinking about having to 'get back out there' on the 'graduate school horse.' Afraid she'll fall off and once and for all have to really think of something else to do. But there is babe, babe who is teaching me in knew ways, so perhaps during one of their late night reading frenzies, babe will point out a new direction.