blogs make me depressed

the first time i ever read a blog before was when i was waiting to hear back from the school i applied to for a phd program. because i was so nervous and anxious, i would read everything i could on the school. this included faculty and student webpages, and inevitably, blogs. reading the blogs did provide me with some interesting info on how the administration worked, the application process, beurocracy, etc. it also gave me a good look into what students were like.

well, reading the blogs also hurt me. lol and that was because of much of the insecurities i have. as a perfectionists i constantly try to compare myself to others who are where i "think" i should be. i know, its sad and sick, because i'm a 27 year old woman, but thats just the way it is.

so, of course because i saw that everyone in that program had a blog, and that lots of other *important* folks had blogs, i figured, that means i need a blog! and so i've started at least 3 or 4, this one i was actually gonna trash and try to start a new one, but i thought no, i'm going to try to keep plugging away, and i'm going to try to do this for me. not for anyone else.

i've noticed that i seem to read blogs or blog on my own mostly when i feel down on myself. its like i do it for some weird kind of punishment, to show myself that i'm not doing nearly as well as everyone else. how crazy is that? i know, again it makes no sense. but you know what? i'm working through this, i really am trying to. because i want to start living my life for myself, and not for other people. because so much of my life has been doing what other people think is right or appropriate, and its not to say that i am really sorry about that just because i have done a lot, and lots of it has been good.

but i feel like i'm standing at a crossroads now, trying so hard to decide what i want to do next and the truth is, at this point i don't know. what i thought for so long, what i thought i wanted i'm uncertain. as i look at new opportunities and prospects that have been presenting themselves, i'm not quite as certain i *know* anymore.

i've been through a lot with the job market here latelty, applying for postions and getting rejected, has made me wonder what it is that i really want, and how bad do i want it? a lot of the questions i'm asking myself are difficult to answer. but i have to. i don't know what i want anymore and i've got to work hard to come up with some answers.