bugs of lore

um, so, i'm back to feeling like a roach again. i don't know what did it to me, but i got up this morning after a night w/ leg cramps and poor sleep, and just felt like a roach. i did not want to go to work, once i did i got there late and was not pleased w/ myself (nor was anyone else). i know from experience and adivice from other bloggers such as dooce that you have to be careful what you say, so i won't say anything more than the fact is i feel like a roach again.

there is just so much going on right now, that whenever i feel like i have moments of clarity, and they are really rare, but i do have moments where i feel like i know what i'm doing and how i'm going to do it. but then i have days like this where i doubt myself to all hel and all i want to do isbe at home, except i dont even feel comfortable at home now because its dirty and messy and i dont have the energy or time to clean and paint and rearrange the way i'd like to. so, like gregor, i sit and feel like i'm rotting with an apple in my back.

i think the thing that gets me the most about kafka's metamorphosis is just the fact that gregor keeps trying to move, he is freaked out by himself at first, but then he keeps trying to get himself up to go to work, he's like on auto-pilot, or is he? does he maybe just want to keep up with his routine because that is all that he knows, he doesn't know anything else and at a time where you become something you weren't, it stands to reason that you would want nothing more than to hold on to some routine, some string that is normal. but no,not quite because we are also told that gregor has held on to this job because of his parents, because of someone else,


"If I didn't hold back for my parents' sake, I'd have quit ages ago. I would've gone to the boss and told him just what I think from the bottom of my heart. He would've fallen right off his desk! How weird it is to sit up at that desk and talk down to the employee from way up there."

so he didn't like the job in the first place, but feels like he hastokeep on because of his folks, but what happens, what apprecition does he get, after all, he ends up being confined to his room and treated horribly by has family. why does this change occur? why does he put himself through this?

why do i still feel like a roach?