Well, my first day of school was actually last week, but this is the first official week, or at least that's how I count it. I'm not feeling super thrilled about much of anything and I think that it has to do with the fact that I'm still grieving the loss of my granny and learning to function on an entire new sleep schedule. I haven't had the time like I usually do, to plan and create new activities. Teaching the same ole class gets borning, but I always enjoy adding to my in-class activities.
I am also in the middle of GRE studying and writing a review. But I'm having a hard time doing both.
I have quite a bit of trouble learning to focus and meet deadlines.
ugh.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Things that are Weird II
Reading Tree's entry here Cheese & Responsibility made me think of this one:
11. Keeping a Jean Luke action figure in the pocket of your winter coat, at 22, touching the figure when you feel nervous and being worried when he's slipped into the hole in your pocket and gotten stuck in the lining, and sad when you've lost him at the dry cleaners.
And whats even MORE weird? I don't even really know who Jean Luke is, but I totally dug his action figure.
11. Keeping a Jean Luke action figure in the pocket of your winter coat, at 22, touching the figure when you feel nervous and being worried when he's slipped into the hole in your pocket and gotten stuck in the lining, and sad when you've lost him at the dry cleaners.
And whats even MORE weird? I don't even really know who Jean Luke is, but I totally dug his action figure.
Things that are Weird
1. Not being able to get good iced-tea anywhere but in the South. Don't other people drink their tea syrupy sweet?
2. Not having traveled enough to actually make the assessment made in number 1.
3. Having a baby who acts like a 40 year old.
4. Seeing random folks who were the shiz-it in school; but who are now struggling to just get by. The fall of the superhero.
5. Teachers who float into your life and then out.
6. Having those same teachers talk to you in a very un-teacherly way.
7. Missing Friday nights where the highlight was eating pepperoni pizza and drinking diet coke (especially because now you don't eat pork and are afraid of the chemicals in the soda).
8. Teaching at the same place you went to school. Sometimes I forget and feel like I should be sitting at the small desk, not the big desk.
9. Reading about random people's lives and caring about what happens. I mean really caring, like staying up when you should be asleep because you have a babe who will wake you up for milk in another 3 hours...if you even have that long.
10. Blogging.
2. Not having traveled enough to actually make the assessment made in number 1.
3. Having a baby who acts like a 40 year old.
4. Seeing random folks who were the shiz-it in school; but who are now struggling to just get by. The fall of the superhero.
5. Teachers who float into your life and then out.
6. Having those same teachers talk to you in a very un-teacherly way.
7. Missing Friday nights where the highlight was eating pepperoni pizza and drinking diet coke (especially because now you don't eat pork and are afraid of the chemicals in the soda).
8. Teaching at the same place you went to school. Sometimes I forget and feel like I should be sitting at the small desk, not the big desk.
9. Reading about random people's lives and caring about what happens. I mean really caring, like staying up when you should be asleep because you have a babe who will wake you up for milk in another 3 hours...if you even have that long.
10. Blogging.
so....
I made it through one day of teaching/orientation. It was nice to put on real clothes and have adult conversations, but at the same time I missed my baby horribly! The longest I'd been away from her was maybe 3-4 hours tops, but on Thursday I was away from 1-7! argh! She was with her dad, but still it was much harder than I'd imagined.
Before she was born I thought that I'd want to go back to work, back to school, back to 'normal' life right away. Boy was I wrong, I wanted to cry when I had to get out of the car. Its hard, because I know there has to be a balance and trully I want there to be. I don't think it would be good for me or her if I didn't have any other interests/jobs, but right now my focus has been only on her for the past 3 and 1/2 months, so its like how do I get myself back in the swing of things I used to do?
Actually, what I've realized is that I can't get back in the swing of what I used to do. I'm not that person anymore, and if I continue to try to think that I am her, then I'll never be able to enjoy who I am now. Having a baby changed me, I'm a different person now. Sure, I 've got some of the same qualities and strands of person that I had before, but I've also got some stuff too, and thats okie, in fact its good. The old me could have never handled any of this. If you had told me a year ago, I'd have a baby, not go back to grad school, AND loose my grandma within a month, I'd have told you there would be no way. No way I would be able to make it. But I have. Slowly, yes, but making it still. I used to be so caught up in what other people were doing or what people would think of me if I didn't do things a certain way. Not any more, its a waste of time to be that analytical, and if its one thing having a baby has taught me, its to focus on the present.
So, when I started my first day of class I did not panic when I hadn't quite finished the syllabus, didn't have the right section number, had a bit of milk on my clothes, forgot to pack extra nursing pads, and wore sneakers because my feet have gotten wider since having the babe. No, no panic, no worry, I walked in and did what I do best.
Before she was born I thought that I'd want to go back to work, back to school, back to 'normal' life right away. Boy was I wrong, I wanted to cry when I had to get out of the car. Its hard, because I know there has to be a balance and trully I want there to be. I don't think it would be good for me or her if I didn't have any other interests/jobs, but right now my focus has been only on her for the past 3 and 1/2 months, so its like how do I get myself back in the swing of things I used to do?
Actually, what I've realized is that I can't get back in the swing of what I used to do. I'm not that person anymore, and if I continue to try to think that I am her, then I'll never be able to enjoy who I am now. Having a baby changed me, I'm a different person now. Sure, I 've got some of the same qualities and strands of person that I had before, but I've also got some stuff too, and thats okie, in fact its good. The old me could have never handled any of this. If you had told me a year ago, I'd have a baby, not go back to grad school, AND loose my grandma within a month, I'd have told you there would be no way. No way I would be able to make it. But I have. Slowly, yes, but making it still. I used to be so caught up in what other people were doing or what people would think of me if I didn't do things a certain way. Not any more, its a waste of time to be that analytical, and if its one thing having a baby has taught me, its to focus on the present.
So, when I started my first day of class I did not panic when I hadn't quite finished the syllabus, didn't have the right section number, had a bit of milk on my clothes, forgot to pack extra nursing pads, and wore sneakers because my feet have gotten wider since having the babe. No, no panic, no worry, I walked in and did what I do best.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Trying to break the Ice
Well....its been quite some time. Almost 5 months to the day that I said I ended this blog, and here I'm back. Feeling more than a little bashful and afraid *kicks rocks around with foot and looks down like a new kid on the playground*.
I ended this blog because I felt like I couldn't keep up with others, or rather I felt like I wasn't where I should be and because it was painful, I just stopped writing and tried to stop thinking about it, well, things don't work that way. You still think about it.
I have gone through so many changes, so many. So many. Three months to the day my blog ended, so did my grandma's life. Just like that, gone. It was cancer and it hit with a vengeance. I'm no where near healed from the loss. None of us are, but I realize that she is not hurting anymore and we said our I love You's and I have to let it go with that. Knowing that I'll never forget her.
My daughter was also born, little Cucumber! She came on May 3 at 7lbs 10 ounces and screamed to the top of her lungs when she saw DH (I was out of it from the meds/c-section), our first meeting came with me waking up super groggy to find her attached to my boob. It was love at first sight.
So, I'm trying to ease back into things. I'm still an avid blog reader, but its hard to type with a 12 pounder on your hip tugging for more milk. Now that I'm starting with work again, I hope to carve out a little time to be able to write and still read. I hope to put myself out there more and become more a part of the blogging community. I want to read and respond and do more than just talk about myself.
I am also not putting forth any rules on what this blog is and what it is not. Just like I said, I'm trying to learn balance and keep a level head. I'm also trying really hard to get back into the swing of work/school because I've not lost focus and realize even now more than ever that its important for me to go back to school.
So, we'll see what happens. I hope I can find a swing on this playground *looks around for empty swing, or maybe a slide...*
I ended this blog because I felt like I couldn't keep up with others, or rather I felt like I wasn't where I should be and because it was painful, I just stopped writing and tried to stop thinking about it, well, things don't work that way. You still think about it.
I have gone through so many changes, so many. So many. Three months to the day my blog ended, so did my grandma's life. Just like that, gone. It was cancer and it hit with a vengeance. I'm no where near healed from the loss. None of us are, but I realize that she is not hurting anymore and we said our I love You's and I have to let it go with that. Knowing that I'll never forget her.
My daughter was also born, little Cucumber! She came on May 3 at 7lbs 10 ounces and screamed to the top of her lungs when she saw DH (I was out of it from the meds/c-section), our first meeting came with me waking up super groggy to find her attached to my boob. It was love at first sight.
So, I'm trying to ease back into things. I'm still an avid blog reader, but its hard to type with a 12 pounder on your hip tugging for more milk. Now that I'm starting with work again, I hope to carve out a little time to be able to write and still read. I hope to put myself out there more and become more a part of the blogging community. I want to read and respond and do more than just talk about myself.
I am also not putting forth any rules on what this blog is and what it is not. Just like I said, I'm trying to learn balance and keep a level head. I'm also trying really hard to get back into the swing of work/school because I've not lost focus and realize even now more than ever that its important for me to go back to school.
So, we'll see what happens. I hope I can find a swing on this playground *looks around for empty swing, or maybe a slide...*
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