so....

I made it through one day of teaching/orientation. It was nice to put on real clothes and have adult conversations, but at the same time I missed my baby horribly! The longest I'd been away from her was maybe 3-4 hours tops, but on Thursday I was away from 1-7! argh! She was with her dad, but still it was much harder than I'd imagined.
Before she was born I thought that I'd want to go back to work, back to school, back to 'normal' life right away. Boy was I wrong, I wanted to cry when I had to get out of the car. Its hard, because I know there has to be a balance and trully I want there to be. I don't think it would be good for me or her if I didn't have any other interests/jobs, but right now my focus has been only on her for the past 3 and 1/2 months, so its like how do I get myself back in the swing of things I used to do?

Actually, what I've realized is that I can't get back in the swing of what I used to do. I'm not that person anymore, and if I continue to try to think that I am her, then I'll never be able to enjoy who I am now. Having a baby changed me, I'm a different person now. Sure, I 've got some of the same qualities and strands of person that I had before, but I've also got some stuff too, and thats okie, in fact its good. The old me could have never handled any of this. If you had told me a year ago, I'd have a baby, not go back to grad school, AND loose my grandma within a month, I'd have told you there would be no way. No way I would be able to make it. But I have. Slowly, yes, but making it still. I used to be so caught up in what other people were doing or what people would think of me if I didn't do things a certain way. Not any more, its a waste of time to be that analytical, and if its one thing having a baby has taught me, its to focus on the present.

So, when I started my first day of class I did not panic when I hadn't quite finished the syllabus, didn't have the right section number, had a bit of milk on my clothes, forgot to pack extra nursing pads, and wore sneakers because my feet have gotten wider since having the babe. No, no panic, no worry, I walked in and did what I do best.