the rise of the phoenix

Today I ran into the store to get a few items to tide us through this storm and I ran into an old friend. The last time she saw me was when I was preggers so she asked how the baby was, how I was and then she asked a question that people very rarely ask, how was the birth?

It made me stop and think about my answer. For the past few months its something that I've thought quite a bit about. Her birth was long and arduous, but in the end I got a wonderful baby girl. Of course normally when people ask I don't go into great detail, but today I did, and I think it was good for me. I finally admitted to being a bit disappointed. I had been in hopes of having a totally natural vaginal delivray. I'd taken the classes, done prenatal yoga, walked, squatted, drank mother's tea, and read all the books. I thought surely, I'd be able to handle this, certainly I could let go and do this one thing that women had been doing for thousands of years before me. But I couldn't.

I went into labor on May 3 around 2 in the morning, when I woke up to pee. I waddled into the bathroom and noticed my underwear were wet. Thinking I'd just leaked a little, I washed off changed underwear and went back to sleep, or tried to. Because I was laying down for only about 10 minute when I noticed I was feeling wet again. Up I went, back to the bathroom. This time I woke DH up and told him what I thought was going on. We paged the doula and called my mom. Both told me to take it easy and just try to get some rest to prepare myself for the long day ahead. That was easier said than done. I slept off and on for maybe about 3 hours, before the doula called and asked how I was. She suggested I eat a light snack and continue to get some rest because I couldn't feel any contractions.

Around 6 that morning I noticed blood when I went to the bathroom and decided it was time to try the hospital. So, I called and the doctor told me to come on in. I showered, got some yogurt, had some tea and did my hair. Yup, I was calm enough to do my hair.

We got to the hospital around 7, got checked in and the nurse told me to put on a gown. I was feeling good, real good. She checked me and hooked me up to the monitors and told me that I was already having contractions, they were about 3 minutes apart. This is nothing I thought, I'd noticed my tummy tightening, but nothing major. I knew I'd be able to handle this.

My doctor came in and checked me, I was only about 3 centimeters dilated and the baby's head hadn't dropped down. So, he broke my water and started me on pitocin. This is where the story starts to get foggy. I remember laying down in the hospital bed, water spilling out of me everywhere, the doctor, nurses, doula, and DH standing around my bed. Pretty soon I had IVs hooked into my arm, and I was feeling out-of-it. The pitocin made the contractions stronger and my body had a hard time adjusting. My blood pressure began to shoot up, at one point I just remember it being like 150/111 or something and the nurse made me lay down on my side. I'd planned to be able to walk around, do yoga, get in the tub, walk the halls, but none of that happened.

My progress was extremely slow, I just remember the doctors and nurses coming in ever so often to check my pressure and my progress. Not much changed. They tried to have me sit up occasional, but my pressure would go up again. I'd move in the bed from side to side, but still nothing. Finally, after a day of moving, peeing, water dripping, and the bed being turned almost upside down I was told that I'd have to have a C-section. At that point I think I was so tired and out-of-it that I didn't care. I just wanted to know how fast it could be done. At 9:30 PM the decision was made that I'd have a c-section and by 10 I was being prepped.

I'd known all along that because of my low platelet count, if I had to have a section, I would have to be put out with general anesthesia, but I don't think I fully prepared myself, but how can you? The anesthesiaologist came in and told me about all the horrible things that can happen and asked me if I could manage to drink a yucky liquid to settle my stomach acids, I chugged it like it was a jell-o shooter. The next thing I new my belly was being shaved and a folly-cath being inserted. From that point on, I kept my eyes closed.

DH whispered his I love yous, my mom rubbed my hair, and my doula said she'd come back to take pictures. But other than that, I was on my own. They rolled me out of the room and into the OR, I opened my eyes twice. The first time I was in the hall and the second time I was in the OR. Once there, the room was cold, they made me recite my social security number and asked me if I knew why I was there. I rattled off the numbers and told them I was having a baby, I was so afraid that if I didn't get it right they wouldn't do it! I looked up and just saw a huge light. It reminded me of an X-files episode where there were examining an alien on a table. I was the alien.

I remember a cold brush going across my belly and I could hear them talking about my case, "low platelets, examined the case earlier, 40 weeks, first pregnancy." The next thing I knew there was a voice coming from behind me telling me to breathe deeply and that she'd take good care of me.

In less than 30 minutes I had a baby and was back in my room. I looked around to see all the faced I'd left and then I looked down and there was my baby, attached happily to my boob.

I think my emotions have run the gambit when I think about my labor and delivery. Certainly, I'd wanted a natural birth and ended up with anything but that. But what I've got is so much more awesome, a healthy babe. I've also decided that out of this birth I learned about my own stregnths, ones that I never before thought I'd had.

Most people know I am HORRIFIED about doctors and hospitals. I mean a horrible fear, but I did it. I never once freaked out, got loud, or tried to control the situation. The entire time I kept reminded myself to just be like water, let the pain, the fear, all of it just wash over and out of my body. That got me through those long hours. I was able to just focus on each contraction and let it go. Before the c-section I was able to focus on the event and let go my fears and worries. I learned from this a very valuable lesson, one that I should have learned a long time ago, but it took this to really teach me.

What a wonderful way to learn, I got the best gift of all.