So my dear friend Tree left a post about my my post yesterday, "Run, run," and tree said:
Tree of Knowledge said...
Re: "what if I don't leave?" It is a beautiul area, not a bad place at all to be rooted in.
You'll make it your own. there's no need to worry about that. It will happen without trying or thinking about it.
You know, the reason I'm afriad of staying is because I've equated staying here with being a looser. In my head, for quite some time, I've always felt that I needed to go away in order to make something of myself. When I was in high school all I could think about was leaving home. That was my sole drive my senior year. I applied to four schools: three in the state, and one in California. I got into all but one instate and I got into the school in Callie. I had no clue about financial aid, loans, or any of that stuff. I just knew my parents weren't gonna give me any money to go to school and unless I could find a way, Callie was going to be near impossible. So, I stayed here and I think that I really regretted that decision for quite some time. I always though that in order to 'make it' you had to leave, go away, then come back and 'show' folks what you had done with yourself. All of my examples of people who had 'made' it, were those folks who had left the area and then came back. I don't know. For so long DH and I have been saying that there just isn't anything here for us, opportunity wise, school wise, career wise. I've applied for several jobs in the area and not gotten any. DH has had a somewhat similar experience in that he doesn't feel like there is any room to grow. As far as education is concerned, there really aren't any places for me to further my school career around here. So what do I do? As much as I want so badly to leave and then come back and show people that I've 'made it' I gues I don't really know what 'making it' means anymore.
And I don't really know who I'm trying to show what to anymore.
My primary concern is babe. I want her to be in a safe, loving environment, where she can grow and thrive. Where is that place? And maybe I need to continue to work to find it.
Or maybe I'm running from myself....
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2 comments:
Okay, so in stark contrast to what I wrote yesterday...just leave. Pack up, move, leave. People do it every day.
My family believes that when I have children I will move back "home" to give them a good childhood near family. As much as I love my family, I'm not sure that's the "best" place for my kids (you know, the nonexistant ones). The best place for them will be where Husband and I are happiest, because that will make us better parents. Easy and comfortable do not equal best.
That said, I'm not advocating leaving tomorrow or without a plan, but if you don't think you want to be there forever, start looking. There are schools in Hawaii hiring...
And I get the "wanting to show people you've made it" thing. But since I've moved far away from the people I want to "show," I've kind of (but not totally) stopped caring about what they think, and my education and career and became about what I want. It's a very liberating feeling.
There's book you should read--Mommy Myth by Susan Douglas and someone else about how the media makes mom's feel inadeqaute, which is so totally unrelated, but it's a really interesting book.
And if you want me to stop giving you advice, just tell me, but it's going to be okay. I promise.
No my dear tree! Do not stop with your advice, because on a night like tonight, where I'm tired. Knee deep in grading papers about things I don't really care to read about, and there are diapers, and clothes everywhere, and a beautiful sleeping babe and husband, and I'm sitting in the same room I used to hide out in as a kid, I want nothing more than to move. I want to move not because I'm running from myself, I figured that out, but because I am trying to grow. And you know what? Since having the babe, I don't care nearly as much either about what others think of me. My primary concern is being a good person, a good human, for my daughter. The rest doesn't matter.
But you are right, we (DH and babe and myself) have got to be somewhere where that can happen.
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