Burrr

I'm not feelling well today. And I should be feeling good, today is the last day for two of my intensive classes which means I'll only have to teach one class twice a week in the evenings. As much as I was enjoying the ESL coureses, it was getting to be kinda hard not getting home until like 10M, then having to rush to get the babe fed and ready for bed (or to at least pretend she was going to bed).

So, I think I'm just plain ole worn out. We're still staying with my parents until the coutny house is done, which looks like it could still be another month, and both my mom and dad have had colds. That plus the fact that I'm just not sleeping like I should or eating like I should, has a lot to do with why I'm feeling crappy. My only wish is that the babe doesn't get sick. She has a bit of a cough now and some sniffles too, so I'm trying to be diligent about handwashing and not kissing those chubby little cheeks!

The other nite I had another little melt down, as much as I was all about keeping my eyes on the prize, I still have days where I just feel off. More like, I've fallen off. The other night I saw an old professor and he was like, whats going on, how are things, and I began to break out into a sweat. I just got so nervous because I thought I needed to talk to him about academic stuff and I just started babbling on and on because I really haven't done anything academic- I had a baby for Pete's sake. But at that moment I didn't see it that way, I was sweating and rolling my eyes around and looking trully like a feign. But what I didn't get was that really, I don't have to try and pretend that I'm all academia, there is more to me than just that. I'm a mom now, but for some reason, I just could not get that through my head last night.

I was talking with DH and bro about what happened and they both agreed: you have got to be honest with yourself about your place in life. And I've got to be honest with where I am right now, I'm a new mom, with a gorgeous 5 month old little girl who rightfully commands all of my attention for the moment. I have always had such a hard time with prioritizing, I'm really an all or nothing type of gal. So I think that what has happened now, is that I've thrown myself into the babe and feel guitly if I do anything non-babe related, i.e.:work, research, writing, reading papers, anything that is non-homemaker like. But what I fail to realize is that in order to be a good mother I've also got to be a good woman. Its easy to get lost in the world of diapers and wipes, but I hope that can show my daughter that there is a way to create harmony, maybe not balance because that suggests that everything is equal, while harmony shows that things can coexist. You can't do it all, thats just the bottom line.

For now, I need to focus on feeling better and getting rid of this cold. Then, I've got a house to get in order. I also need to draft a new CV, and work on some CFPs. Oh, and the babe and I got a new toy today! Stacking rings, that's first in order.