1+1=2

Interesing to look at the two posts that I've had today. One seems to infer that I know where I'm suppused to be. The other that I need to move from that space. And this is why I really like my blog or blogging. Being able to see these two pieces of writing together on one page (screen) forces me to read what I've written and to think about what I'm thinking, really think, something I don't normally like to do with my journal.

So let me 'splain because the irony between the two posts has actually lead me to some new knowledge. For quite some time I dealt with issues of regret and anger about not going to school, about my granny's death, about relationships. But what I'm learning, through babe and my new role as a mom, is that I really do have a lot to learn from all of the experiences that I'm going through now. Its not that I am not happy as a mother, but more that I'm unhappy with myself in the space where I just float with along with the 'whatever'. I don't want to be a controlling planning freak anymore (ugh, gulps as she thinks about her new organizer) but I don't want to just 'be' either. There is a balance. And for me, it means putting my role as a woman into perspective. I am a mother but I am also a person who wants to continue to write, research, teach and work with students. So what I'm learning is that I need to make some decisions about what I do with my time and how I ask for help.

I've reached another wave of murky water and I want to poke my head out from under. I know I've hit points like this before and been sucked back with the waves, but I'm tired of the dirt and grit in my mouth. I wouldn't mind it so much if I were actually getting to the shore, but its just something else to weight me down, so I need to learn and progress.