Just Tired

Tired of....
driving
inconsiderate people
no support
work
thanklessness
cell phones
stagnant water
racist people
the television
empty words
making plans
breaking plans
old motivation.


Things are still not balanced for me. I don't know. How do people do it? No, scratch that how to women with kids do it? How do i balance? How can I be who I want to be and not feel like I'm pulling my hair in order to do it? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

I just know that I feel like I've got to work harder than I ever have before.

"rainy day, rain all day, aint no use in gettin up tired just let it groove it's own way" (Jimi Hendrix)
But my problem, is that I still lack that balance. When I take the approach to just "be like water" (Bruce Lee) I loose all sense of control and just let things take ME over. I feel so out of it, I'm sick of the space I'm in. How will I dig myself out of this? I want to be a good mother, but first I got to be a good person, a good human, woman, whatever, but damn if don't no body make this shit easy.

Tired but Accomplished

Mangaged to finally finish my teaching philosophy statment and not feel horribly embarressed when i read it. Washed dishes and did laundry. Still have more piles to go and did not finish house cleaning.

Babe is crying and I need bed, so does she, most go soothe the babe.

Funny, her tooth is coming in and you can hear it 'clink' against her little spoon as she eats. Just a tiny little rim of white poking up out of those gums. Most soothe the babe.

Lots more to do. But at least I did finish this one thing, that I've been trying to do for like- 5 months now?
Yikers...at this rate....

Nope, just gonna be patient.

Just got bored.

Trying to procrastinate with work made me change things around.
Feeling guilty about procrastination made me keep it simple stupid.

feeling better

I got through both my classes and feel better. Its kinda like talking and writing with my students helps me to remember why I'm doing this.

This=teaching, trying to learn, trying to write.

One thing I'm not still settled on is the whinning I was doing earlier about managing all my roles. But instead of whinning I think I'm gonna try to talk about it. Or maybe write about it.

What does it mean to be a mother in 2007? Or what does it mean for me?
Are there any 'Status on Motherhood' reports out there? This balancing act is hell- home, family, child, career, education, self. I love being a mother, but some of the roles that are forced upon me (and maybe I allow them to be) make it hellah-hard to be a sane human.

More later, more work now.

My first day

Its my first day back on campus and I don't feel ready for some reason. I've got my lesson plans and my readings prepped and all, my syllabus is up but I just feel out of the loop even though I taught last semester, so there's no real reason for that.

I didn't sleep well last night either, just felt really anxious and couldn't relax. It must have something to do with all the stuff I'v got going on. I constantly feel like I'm in a rush, always doing something or having something that needs to be done and yet not enough time. I have to try to and carve out time at night to work but that doesn't always work because the Babe starts to get fussy and if she can see or smell me, she wants to be in my lap or on my hip. We've not done the babysitter thing, primarly because we don't have one and I don't know that there are too many people I would trust with Babe anyways.

Since we moved out of the city, now it takes like 45 minutes to get to my parents' house they aren't always readily available. Even though I complained, I must say I miss having the extra help.

I dunno, I'm starting to hear whinning in this post so I'm gonna shut up.

I just feel swamped.

Cute things Babe can Do

1. Dance to her favorite music (reggae, some hip-hop, Johnny Cash, Backyardigans)

2. Play with her toys by moving them from one hand to another and shaking them.

3. Laugh and snort.

4. Laugh so hard her mouth doesn't move.

5. Get very angry when we take a toy away, or an item she perceives as being a toy but its not.

6. Give kisses

She is quite amazing.

fingers

Today I was driving to the grocery store and I started slowing down for a yellow light. I ended up beside a car with an older woman. I couldn't see her face at first, but just her fingers on the steering wheel and for a split second I thought they were my grandma's hands.

They were dark brown and some of the fingers a bit crooked, wrinkled, but still smooth.

I pulled up and kept staring at the woman's hands until I'm sure I made her quite uncomfortable and she waved. I smiled, nodded, and waved back.

I remember how my grandma would use her fingers to work vaseline and oil through my hair, parting my hair and smoothing it down. Sometimes she'd take just her pinky finger and use it to point to a place in your head where you either needed more grease or were using too much. I remember her fingers making sandwhices, trimming the edges off the bread, smashing the sandwhich down so it'd be almost flat. Or how she'd slide her glasses back on her face; she would use her thumb and ring finger and cup the classes and slide them back on her nose. When I was younger, much younger, she would paint her fingernails, usually a dark red deep purple, but she was always particular about the color looking just right.

My last memories of her fingers and hands were of her in the hospital, she was sick, so sick, and laying in that big bed, so small. I showed her pictures of babe and she said she was so beautiful, "like a doll." I couldn't stand to see her like that, the room was warm, and I felt hot. Family was around, piled up in the room like how we always are, and I looked at everyone's faces. I could see that we were all wearing masks, but I couldn't do it any longer. So I grabbed gradma's hand, or either she grabbed mine, I don't remember now, and it was so warm. So warm and so soft.

Its been 7 months now since her death and in some ways I feel even worse, different things catch me like what happened today. It might be a smell, or a song, or something small, but it pulls me back in this tidal wave of emotion.

nothing

Not much going on here. Been feeling a bit under the weather lately, mentally and physically. I put too much into the whole New Year New you thing.

Babe should be sprouting some teeth soon, she's got drool everywhere and constantly trying to bite. Its weird to think that she's already 8 months old. Thats close to a year! She has a toy she really likes that sings music and when she hears it she jumps up and down and kinda bounces around. Its the cutest thing.

I've got house work and other work to tend to.

Yup.

New Year. New Poop.

The babe is pooping like crazy.

I bought yet another calendar.

More work less blog.