Lost Touch

Tonight, just now actually, I was trying to blog with a babe on my lap. This doesn't work so well anymore because now that babe is totally mobile she ends up typing on the keyboard or grabbing the mouse or getting out of my lap and trying to play with the cords for the laptop. So, I asked DH if he would take a babe and go pick out some pjs for bed so that I could finish my post. That's when DH said I'd lost touch. And so I stopped to think about this. Have I lost touch? And if so with what? Blogging is usually my way of winding down from the day and trying to get my thoughts together. I try to use this time to just think about what's been on my mind or what others are thinking about via their blogs. In some ways its kinda like 'talking' to others, though I rarely have time to post comments to others' blogs though I do read many. I do that because I do feel like I've lost touch in a lot of ways. After we had babe and I decided to quit working outside of the home there was a lot that I didn't realize I would miss, like conversations at lunch or reading a newspaper daily, or learning something new at work. Now, in no way would I want to trade those things for what I got in return: a soft babe, daily Elmo time, breast-feeding (my boobs actually grew!), and being able to say that I was there for the first...tooth, steps, word, turning over, etc.
But, as I told my cousin at lunch the other week, you also don't realize that when you become a mom, it is oh so very easy to loose yourself. Because those first few weeks, hell months, are so intense, you forget things like washing your hair on a regular basis, or the fact that you actually used to wear perfume and clothes that weren't just wash and ware (or ware and ware). You also forget that you liked books that were not made of cardboard and food that required more cooking and did not taste like cardboard. But as your babe grows and you find your rhythm as a parent you start to remember those things. I think I remember the first time I finished a book post-partum, or rather the first non-babe book I read. A part of me felt guilty, like all of my waking time and energy should be devoted only to reading and further my babe education. If I wasn't doing laundry or scrubbing the floor, or trying to go out shopping before her nap was over then I should be. But you soon learn that if you don't give yourself time to take a shower, or read a book, or eat a good lunch, you burn out quickly and you do loose touch with yourself and others. I canceled lunches, forgot to return phone calls, and tried to avoid folks because I felt like I should only be doing things related to babe. But I learned my lesson. You do have to remember who you were before the babe and while you are different in some ways, you need to honor and remember what made you YOU in the first place. So yes, I have lost touch, in many ways but I'm reaching out again.