moving over

here: http://ilnisa.wordpress.com

new site! new move!

i'm scared! :-)

anx, anxiety, wur-e, worry

it can't be as normal as it sometimes feels to me, to worry this much. and it really doesn't happen all of the time. honestly, but when i'm tired, have lots on my plate, it seems to surface the most. other times, its like the worry-ness is just their below the surface, like bubbles, but i can surpress them enough-either with work, school, family-that they don't really bother me.

but tonight i'm just feeling kind of wee and worried
worried bout old stuff,
worried bout new stuff,
worried bout stuff in between

i'm trying as best as i can to keep my composure.

bare with the vid pick please...it doesn't stay all static-like...and hopefully I won't either...

To be young...Gifted...and black....

means u don't:

don't floss, money looks better when it's invinsible" - Dj
Quik

remembering pencil shavings

I am struggling to remember something good today. Its hard. I've got back/side pain, books to read that I have 0 interest in, folks who I feel are slighting/ignoring me in the public sphere, and I really want to go home because its going to be like 66 there this weekend... and i just watched a couple pack up there car with suitcases and snacks....and lets just say i'm tempte to wake DH up and make him to the same....but i digress....

struggling to remember....we're cleaning up our spare bedroom/office/gym to try to make better use of the space. i decided it was time to clean the pencil sharper. i opened it and started dumping the shavings out into a trashbag. the smell took me back to elementary school. i remember loving to be the one who emptied the old mechanical pencil sharpeners...and looking back on it I think, i'm pretty sure, it was because of the smell. pencil shavings smell like fresh penicls, this mix of wood, and lead, and they make me feel productive. If your using your pencil a lot, you have to sharpen it, more work, more shavings.

what came first?

As you can tell ye ole internet and any other readers whose attention I may have grabbed...

I'm having trouble with motivation. And it just dawned on me tonight that I don't know where this came from exactly, but I've got some ideas. Its lonely where I am, I've got DH and babe, but we don't really have anyone outside of ourselves here. I go to work. I come home. I do home things (which I enjoy the most). I follow our routine. I go back out and do it again. On the weekend, with the very limited monies and no real activities around us (not such a warm friendly space) we tend to stay in. This means I feel compelled to work and often babe and DH are just as frustrated as I am with this.

We are bored up here. I am having a hard time staying focused.

I am scared....

somewhat work related

i'm hoping that good research and projects can come out of being pissed off and uncomfortable. because thats how i'm feeling....and i'm trying to keep my eyes open because i suspet there might just be something to all this bs that i can learn from....and maybe use to teach others?

Reflection Friday and No Complaining Saturday

...so...because I missed my post yesterday and because i'm sick of hearing myself complain....you get a story....

saturday nights in my house when i was a kid were most often spent looking at showtime at the apollo from 1130-1230 and then whatever was left of saturday night live after that. i remember watching the apollo back when i was way young...and its a tradition that continued up through college (or at least until i had a curfew that allowed for me to be out until past midnight, which was when i got married, yes i know). but anyways....when i was little, my dad would be up watching apollo and frying his chicken..humming along to whatever the talent was trying to sing. as i got older, i'd watch and wonder what it was like to live in NY, a place that seemed to start all of the coolest trends, and styles. then once DH and I were dating, we'd sip koolaid in my folks kitchen and watch, because remember i had to be home by midnight.

music for MOTevatION

was feelin it....


really feeling it...


was still feeling good with this one...


and still...though it was getting complicated...

Ha-Uston...we got us a dem der problem

if someone tells me to do X but I dont know how and they say do X b/cs it'll get people to Y....

but Y is really far from X.....

then I got me a real frucked up equation...

no MOTOvation

i don't know why i felt the need to misspell the word motivation, but the fact is maybe i don't even know what it means anymore... because i have 0 in the motivation field. i've been going to class, teaching, doing the work, but just am not motivated...so do i really lack motivation or is this something else?

Things I know......
1. I miss things I know (stores, food, people, trees, houses, roads)
2. I'm not SUPER excited about my work right now...just feeling a bit of a lull about everything
3. I know I have a lot of work to get done and to get on track with my program, but I'm just not so sure how I see it all happening....I think I need some help in figuring out this maze

Things I don't know.....
1. What kind of major progect I want to think about
2. How to continue to exercise and eat well
3. How to think about having another babe...or when to think about it might be a better way of saying it

What do you do when your in cruise-control?

Reflection Fridays

Lots of blogs I read (even though I don't have a hellta long lists of a blogroll) have certain days where they focus on certain things. I'm going to try to make fridays reflection days...maybe some pics or music...just something to reflect on the purpose isnt to be sad or just recollect for the sake of recollectin', but to maybe learn a little bit, to re-collect memories and think about them for what they bring me now.

I'm thinking of this song....an oldie but goodie (aren't they all? or that's what we always say about our music....



I think what I like so much about this song is that he's not reflecting with a sadness or a lamenting, he does it to remember. So much of the reflecting done in my family is often done with a tinge of sadness now, because we remember and so many of the folks who are dominate figures in our memories aren't there anymore....its a struggle for me to remember or recollect or reflect without that sadness...but its something I'm trying to work on....

...Its weird that even some of our happy moments are now also paralleled with sad ones because of all that's happened in the past few years. Thinking about babe's birth, its almost inextricably tied to my gma's death, she passed just 6 weeks after babe was born. When my gma came to visit me in the hospital after a 16 hour labor, c-section with general anesthesia, and no food for 48 hours, she didn't say very much. She mainly just sat and looked at babe, made sure her pieces were there and then she left, maybe her visit was like 10 or 15 minutes long, but she was ailing and waiting for her own surgery (which wouldn't work). But I remember how she looked at babe, and more importantly how she watched DH and I caring for babe. I couldn't move much, so DH did the walking, and I did the nursing. She could see us work together as a team, she always said she knew DH and I were made for one another......
And then there was one of the last conversations I had with gma, probably about 3 weeks before she would pass, she told me how to bathe babe. Babe had a horrible diaper rash and I could not for the life of me figure out how to get rid of it. Gma suggested bathing her daily and making sure I took the plastic out of the baby tub, "just let her rest on a clean white towel."

And so my reflection today is that I'm just thinking back to when I didn't have sad things coupled with happy things, just like Ahmad says, "when all you had was a little homework." But I guess there is something to be be said about the bitter sweet...what it is I just don't know yet...

back in the days....my dad bumped this when he'd pick me up from school