Its not something that I'm super proud of or anything, but I am a worrier. I do it like breathing, it just comes natural to me. I see to always find myself stressed out or worked up over something. The past couple of weeks its been work and school. Before the babe was born I was thinking that I'd be easily studying and applying to go to grad school for next fall. I had no idea that I would still not be getting any sleep with her being 6 months old nor did I think I'd be at a point where I'd much rather read Good Night Moon than bell hooks.
But I am. I'm trying to take this time to do what my own mother suggested, reorganize my thinking and try to figure out exactly what it is that I want to do and then create some type of plan for those goals. But I'm finding myself getting very nervous.
I want to go back to school. I want a PhD and a tenured job. But I'm scared shitless. I have friends in programs right now and they don't have kids and seem to be having a hard time. I don't want the babe to suffer because I still get a kick out of pedagogy, reading, resaerch, and trying to tie together random bits of knowledge that no one else seems interested in. I want to have more kids, well maybe just one more. How do we as women work for this balance?
I'm not willing to sell my soul or sacrafice my family for career, but I still want career too, I guess I'm just going at this in a different way. How can I work towards my goal with my little one still being my primary focus.
I'm calling on all you ye ole Phd-ers and mums and who-ever else has something to say about this to help me out.
How do I create balance? How can I work towards getting myself back in a program now? How can I be competitive, but at the same time show my daughter that you can't be a super-woman, just a woman who tries to do it all, damn that don't even make sense to me.
Help.
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2 comments:
As much as I complain, I am so happy I'm doing this. I don't know how I will get through the semester right now, but I couldn't imagine not trying.
I think the idea that a woman has to choose between family and career is total bullshit. That she has to be super at both, while smiling? Also bullshit. It's about being happy--do what you need to be happy.
Babe will be a strong woman because she has a strong woman as a mother--not a woman who tries to do it all, but a woman who spends her time doing the things she loves and is happy because of it.
You know, I really do appreciate your advice, its always on time and what I need to hear. I think that I'm just still at such a point where everything seems so blurred and the lines are just so....not clear...that I don't know what I need to do next and its very frustrating, you know how I am.
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