Taking Advice from a lil bit of er-where

Last night I was talking to my grandma who told me that the moon had been through a changing phase, and this, she declared was the reason why so many people had been struggling. We've had several deaths (close relatives and friends of the family), along with financial problems, and the nasty ole black cloud that seems to have taken residence above our heads. So when I read Tree's post about giving unsolicited advice because so many friends and family seemed to be going through rough times, I felt like maybe my granny's theory had something going to it. It does seem like for so many people I know, there have been lots of hardships and obstacles here recently.

I have to thank Tree. I don't even know if there was anything directly related to me on that page, but little does Tree know, I was able to find meaning in many of the statements. I keep saying it, and its true, and I know I keep saying it because I'm still trying to force myself to believe it; there is so little we can actual control. What we have to learn to do is to be resilient. No, scratch that too. What I have to learn, is to be resilient. I think that's what separates me from being able to reach my goals. When something goes wrong, or doesn't go the way I planned, or just something unexpected happens, I spend so much time mulling over it and being angry/hurt/confused/let down/bruised, that I loose precious time. Time that I need to spend in finding another way, another solution.

This weekend, my dad and I exchanged our normal pleasantness after church. He asked how I was, and I said, "I can't complain." He said, "Oh really?" I responded, "Well, I guess I could, but it wouldn't do much good." Then he says, "No, the problem is the word you used. Complaining rarely gets results. You gotta think and be creative."

Creativity. I lack that. But again, I'm working on it.

I'm going to dedicate my next yoga practice to putting out positive vibes in the world for everyone-because it seems like we all need it.

...don't wanna be no where but here....

The title comes from a Mos Def song... don't know why but here lately I've had the most random songs in my head, for no apparent reason.

This weekend was weird, it seemed like it was gonna start okie, but then after a series of icky events on Thursday, then an upset tummy that caused me to go to the doctor on Friday (baby is fine, just had a touch of the old stomach bug), and the fact that I could not sleep well at all because of horrific heartburn, it was just kinda nay-pooh. I didn't accomplish much of anything, did get to spend time with my family which was nice, but did nothing around the house, no writing, no reading, just griping (both verbally and physically- my belly).

Sunday, H and I were able to finally figure some things out, or so we hope. I'm actually not even gonna say we figured anything out, from now on I'm gonna call any plans for the future sketching. Sketching is different from actually drawing plans. When you draw plans, it sounds like you use a hard pencil with thick lead, if you erase anything, the picture gets smudges or smears all over it. Sketching is just a bunch of light lines, its the way you hope your picture will look, but you realize that between the time you conceptulize it in your head, get it to paper, and then show it to others, there are some lines that might have to change. So anyways, we sketched what we'd like to do once Cucumber is born, and while I wasn't immediatley pleased, lets just say its far better than having to think about day cares or babysitters, or any body we don't know or don't trust taking care of her. My family is all gonna pitch in and try to help, so that I can work outside the house (!) after she is born and so we won't end up living in a cardboard box. I've got some other sketches that I need to make, but it made me feel like I could stop holding my breathe for a little while, just knowing that there will be plenty of folks around who want to take care of her, and who want to help take care of us.

I'm hoping for a much more productive week than I've had the past couple of weeks. I also realized (with the help of H) that I spend far too much time lamenting and complaining about things that I have NO control over. And therefore, what happens is that I waste time and energy on those things and don't dedicate myself to the things that I can control.

Now, how do I get myself to remember that?

Not a complaint, but can I share a fear?

I first learned about blogs because the PhD program I was due to start at was big on blogging. Well, it wasn't like they were just all about blogs, but lots of the students and faculty members were into this, so I started reading their blogs which of course leads you to other blogs, and before you know it, your addicted to a good 10 that you have to read each day.

Well, for a while, after I realized I wasn't going to be able to go to school in the fall because of the baby and my MIL's cancer, I just stopped reading the academic-related blogs because it was difficult. It was hard for me to read about rhetorical theory, research projects, seminar papers, books, classes, teaching, conferences, etc, because for so long that has been what I thought I was going to be about, and to have my life turn around so suddenly, it took some time for me to actually work through things. And I must admit, I'm still working through. No, I don't regret the baby and I don't have ill feelings towards MIL, but most of all I was just mad at myself. Angry because I know that life throws twists and turns, why was it so difficult for me to learn to be more resilliant? I used to pride myself on always having a plan B, C, D, and E. Never just one. But I slacked, I got comfortable, and God threw me a curve ball. Again, the lesson or theme for today seems to be 'thinking outside of myself,' but now I don't have a complaint to spew, but a fear.

I started reading academic-related blogs again today and I'm fearful. Not jealous. Not angry. Not anything else, just fearful. Why? Because I feel like I'm so out of the game, not around scholars, not in school, not studying to be a scholar, not writing, not reading (well, nothing that amounts to much), and just not using my head and thinking, or trying to take things to the next level. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it again. Afraid I may have lost it. Now days, once I finish working my 8 hours, I do what most folks do, the folks I'd sworn I'd never be like, I go home, get food and park it in front of the TV. By 10, I'm ready for a shower, more TV and then the bed. Then I get up and do it all over again. On the weekends, its grocery store, cleaning, church, then hit repeat. Last year at this time I was teaching, working on a grant-funded research project, and was just about to get my acceptance into Grad school.

I don't want to be too hard on myself (thats a first!) because hey, I am pregnant and it is harder to move around, I'm more tired and tend to get irritated very easily, but I just wonder, is there any way I can get back into that groove? Maybe the problem is that I'm a different kind of peg now and I can no longer fit into that groove, I'm trying to force myself into something I am not. But then what kind of peg am I, and how can I create a groove that will fit me?

I do want to go to school, I do want a PhD, I do want to write, I do want to research, and overall, I do want to teach. Those things help to complete me, they are just who I am. But now, there is another part of me as well, this part that is going to be a mother, and this part that has had to act in more of a supportive role than before while we've been dealing with MIL's illness.

How can I expect myself to be able to do all those things and keep a family in balance? My family will always come first, but its my use of time and my thinking that will have to change.

I'm afriad I'm not who I thought I was, or who I thought I was going to be. And maybe the problem is that I was holding on to one set image of myself and now that image is whats going to have to change? But how do hold myself up to it? How do you write when you feel out of it? Okie, lets cut the bull-shit as my dad would say, how do you kick yourself in the ass?

As Moe Greene said, " I gotta business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right."

Damn Moe, now how can I do that?

True

For about 20 of my 27 years, I've totally thought my dad was insane. Crazy. A monster. Paranoid. But the oddest thing started happening about 2 or 3 years ago, I realized that he was none of those things, I realized he was right.

Its weird though, how our perceptions of people can change. Kenneth Burke talked about terministic screens and I liken this to his theory. We move through life and experience things (events, people, language, images) and we try to make sense of them as best we can, but as we continue to move and note changes, our perceptions and understandings change and we try our best to make meaning.

I think (or rather I hope) that I'm learning that one of the best ways to make meaning is to allow the meaning to make itself. I tend to over-analyze almost everything and I think that's just the rhetorician in me. At times, we can't allow ourselves to do that, sometimes it takes the letting go in order to discover the meaning.

One thing my dad has always taught us is to keep our enemies close (yes, that is in relation to the Godfather), but there is truth in that statement. I've learned, and most often the hard way, that if you don't keep a close watch on those around you, you end up being hurt. I think some of these life lessons will become increasingly more important now that I'm preparing myself to be a mom, I want to pass along wisdom to my daughter.

Just minus the paranoia.

No Complaints allowed

Being pregnant has taught me one clear thing about myself: at times I'm a very self-centered/focused individual. Now, this does not have to be a bad thing, it can in fact aid in one's own protection. My dad once pointed to our front door and told me, "Once you leave this house, on any given day, there are numerous people out there who are out to get you." Whenever he said that (which was often) I would always envision someone in a long trench coat, a Fedora, and dark shades standing on the corner trying to lure me into a dark alley. But as I got older, I understood a bit more about what he meant and I think I did develop a real 'tough girl' attitude, so much so, that at times it bordered or being both paranoid and selfish.

Sharing my body for six months now with someone I know, but don't know, has taught me to let go of some of myself and allow someone else to delegate and be in control. The larger Cucumber gets, the more I'm aware that I can't control everything about myself. Getting up 3-4x during the night, having to take vitamins the size of my pinky finger, drinking milk, eating (gasp) meat, (and enjoying it, gasp), having to sleep on one side, not being able to just run or jump up in the mornings. These are just small things that I've noticed, but they prepare you for something that is much larger than yourself.

In our yoga practices we are always encouraged to dedicate our practice to something that is much larger than ourselves, to take us outside of 'us/me' and to join with 'we/you' its something that I have to try to remember daily.

Cucumber Speaks, I Listen

I know I've said this a gazzillion times before here, but I am just so in awe of the fact that every day, the baby's movements are stronger and more pronounced. I can't tell the difference between arms and legs, but I can definitely tell the difference between her head and appendages. At some points, especially at night, when I roll over in bed, I can tell she doesn't like it because I've interrupted her position. Her head will move firmly over my bladder or my rib cage. I love that she reacts!

Last night, the dogs were barking and being extra woofy, and she would actually start kicking when they started to bark. The baby books have said that at this point her senses are becoming more and more acute, so she can probably hear some sounds. As I write this now, she is pounding away at my sides.

Lovely.

Emancipation

My brother and I were both having a rough day yesterday and so as we lamented about our lives, I think we came to a new revelation for the both of us.

Sometimes you got to get really down before you can really get up.

News Flash***I know that most people would say, "Duh, who doesn't know this!" or as my family likes to say, "Quit complaining and do something already!" or as my Dear husband says, "You are just figuring this out, and you are how old?"

Well yes, I am just figuring it out, and I am 27 years old. Thank you very much. But for almost the past year I've been on a roller coaster ride, school, work, family, illness, moving, not moving, pregnancy, the list goes on. This morning as I rolled myself off the side of the bed and felt extremely tired, even though I'd gone to bed early, I started thinking about all the things that I've experienced this past year, not just physically from the pregnancy, but emotionally as well. And its no wonder I feel tired. Not only is my body working around the clock to sustain my life and the baby's; but my head has been working around the clock as well, to try as hard as it possibly can to make sense out of everything that has happened. And it can't. I don't know everything has been woven together to meet at this point. But it has, and even though I don't understand why, and even though I'm broke, and afraid, and scared, and anxious. I'm also starting to feel excited and happy. Out of all of this chaos, I want to emancipate myself from the anxiousness that used to rule my life, from my dire need to feel important to outside people, from my thinking that if I don't have a house, 2.5 kids and a SUV I'm not making it. Because the truth is, I have thought that way, in the past.
All bull shit aside, as much as I once thought I knew myself and had it together, I didn't have a clue. It takes changes and movement to really learn who you are and where you are going.
At some points, and I think this blog reflects some of those moments, I've felt so low and crestfallen, and I'm sure to have many more days like that too, but I also want to feel new again.
Me again.

I blog because

i don't have anything to say. To anybody at anytime.

How do you know when you need to switch gears? How do you know when no matter how hard you try, something is not worth it, or not necessarily not worth it, but just not for you?

I gave my official notice of not going back to school in the Fall and it was much harder than I expected. Initially, I felt relieved. Finaly, I'd wrestled with everythign and a decision had been made. Then I felt hopeful, I'll send the email, but something else will work out. Then I felt despair, the email has been sent, the pen lifted on that chapter and its gone.

Trying to reapply again for the future feels like it just can't happen. There would be tests to take, apps to redo, references to try and solidify again, and the need to write or do something. At this point, the most academic thing I've done in the past year has been to read academic related blogs by real academics.

I'm just tired. I don't want to think of myself as a quitter, but I've got a baby on the way and maybe I just need to reshape/rethink my focus, because this shish ain't working.

I don't feel like writing when I get home, I'm not forced to write at work, but my work is not creative in nature and I just feel zapped and fried by the time I get home. Once I'm home, all I want to do really is to crawl in my bed and read (non-academic minded books mind you) or watch TV. I've watched more TV in the past six months than I have in the past six years.

My mind is mushy. And I don't think its just the hormones.

.......

baldhfsdfoiusfdhsfsoijfs Week 24/25 Update

The title of my post describes exactly how I feel. I've got so much going on this week, and heck the next 3 months, I don't even know where to begin anymore.

Most of what I need to do now, involves prepping for the little one who is due to arrive in three super-short months, February doesn't even give me a full 30-31 days! My doctor's visit this past week revealed that my stomach is growing and growing and growing. She is moving more and more each day and in really weird positions that sometimes cut off my breathing. But the best part of it, is knowing that there is a tiny little person in there. The worse part, just the waiting and worrying. I am a worrier by nature, but now not only do I have myself to worry about, but also this brand new person! I worry about whether or not she'll have all her fingers/toes/eyes/ears/nose, whether she'll enjoy school, will she like to read, will she want to date at age 12, how will I keep the bad people away from her, and the good folks close? She's not even here yet and I panick.
I do try my best to control this panick though, because I don't want to pass along any of these feelings of angst to her. For now, the womb is a small, safe, warm environment. She'll have enough to deal with when she bursts into this world. Did I say burst?

We haven't started talking about what kind of birth we want. That seems to be the hot topic amongst many pregnancy groups, What kind of birth do you want? Uh, one that is pain free and leaves me ready to go to Disney the next day? What kind of birth do you want?

Many folks in my prenatal yoga class have done it before with no pain meds and say that yoga and breathing was all that they needed. Then, there is the medicated bunch who say that there was no way they could have gotten through it withough meds and lots of meds. I don't know where I fall with this yet. I have never been one to run to medicine or pain killers, for years I sufferred with menstral cramps that would knock me out for a full 8-10 hours. But I've never had to face the prospect of hurting for so long and then needed to have the energy to push out a living creature. I guess I've still got some time to decide on that one...

I want to up my yoga but can't find another class right now that fits into my schedule, though I just might have to create time, I feel like the more I get up and move around the better off I'll be. I just can't believe that time has gone this quickly already.

My stomach is not ultra huge, but I do have problems reaching my legs now to shave. So there, too much info for you!

***Note, I say 24/25 because the way I count my weeks (per the doctor) actually means that I begin a new week in the middle of a 'regular' week***

Ah...another task completed!

Okie, so another of my weekly tasks was to:

4. Create a list of writing projects.

And here they are:

1. Write about things that people have said to me that I don't want to forget:
-the time someone told me I was pretty, for a Black girl
-the time someone told me they were shocked that I was so smart
-the time I got called an Oreo
-the time my dad almost through my stero out the window


2. Write about rhetoric in pop culture
-My Good Times paper that never was finished

3. Continue w/ thesis writing

A running list of Music I will need to Deliver Cucumber

So, after reading a scary post about how deathly birthing/pregnancy are, I've decided to try to soften it up a bit for me by working on a list of music that I'd like to take with me. I've heard other mothers say that they planned to do all this stuff while in labor, but it never happened because well, they were in labor. I am going to try though.

Marron 5: This Love
James Brown: Paid the Cost
Dave Matthews Band: Crash, #34
Johnny Cash: Ring of Fire (To be played when the baby is 'crowning')
SWV: Weak in the Knees
Mos Def: Umi Says
50 Cent: Its your Birthday
Snoop Dog: What's My Name
Mary J Blige: My Life
Jill Scott: Thinking About You
(Artisit ?): Get Down on It
Annie Lenox: Sweet Dreams are Made of These
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Last Dance



TBC

Happy to Report

I am happy to report, that as of today, I have accomplished one of my goals for the week:

Number 7:

7. Determine whether or not I want to take a class this semester.

I have determined that I do NOT want to take an academic class this semester, instead I will increase my yoga!

Ah, its nice to feel accomplished.

Sometimes Isn't Always

Sometimes I don't feel like going to bedI don't feel like getting right up, sometimes.
Sometimes I don't feel like wearing my shoes
But sometimes isn't always
Sometimes I don't feel like combing my hairI don't feel like washing my face, sometimes
Sometimes I don't feel like saying "okay."
But sometimes isn't always
Sometimes I do feel like going to bedI do feel like washing my face, sometimes
Sometimes I do feel like saying okayBut sometimes isn't always
InstrumentalSometimes I don't feel like sometimes I doI feel like I don't like to feel, sometimes
Sometimes I don't and sometimes I do
But sometimes isn't always
Sometimes Isn’t
Sometimes Isn’t
Sometimes isn't always
Isn't always
Isn't always

(from Mister Roger's Neighborhood)

This is an exact mirror on my feelings right now. Some days I'm okie, and other days I'm not and feel like I'm just sinking.

Some days I want so badly to still go to school,
Some days I think I can stick around here and try a little harder.

Some days I miss writing,
Some days I think if I really missed it, I'd do it regardless of being in school or not.

Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world,
Some days I feel like I'm lost in the universe.

Some days I am strong and ready,
Some days I am weak and waiting,

Some days I trick myself,
Some days I'm honest,

Some days I miss my old self, so bad, and I just want to cry,
Some days I wonder if this is who I've always been.

Some days its all I can do not to cry,
Some days I laugh until my sides hurt and the baby kicks for me to stop, or continue.

Some days I want to pack and leave, and prepare,
Some days I want to move in with my parents.

But, sometimes isn't always, right?

My goals for the week

I feel a need to post these in a public space so that maybe, just maybe, someone will hold me accountable.

1. Go to work everyday.

2. Go to bed at a decent hour so that I don't feel like a train ran over me in the morning.

3. Practice one yoga move each day.

4. Create a list of writing projects.

5. Create a house inventory of things we have/need to get before Cucumber.

6. Start to look at room organization.

7. Determine whether or not I want to take a class this semester.

"You are your father's daughter."

I am my father's daughter. My mom reminds me of that whenever I get loud, argue, accuse someone of being "out to get me," or act overly paranoid. How can it be that the one person I feared and ran from for well over ten years, is the one person I see now as an ally, sometimes the only ally I have outside of H.
Maybe its because of his attitude (harsh, loud, conservative, theatrical, humorous) that now I really want to throw caution to the wind and do what I want to do. I don't mean that in a selfish way, naw, shit, maybe I do. Why is it that when you try to think of other people and what they want, or suggest, things seem to be so much more complicated. But, if you think only of yourself, while you might be happy you risk so many others being unhappy, either as a direct result of your actions, or an indirect result.
The past six months have changed me as a person, but my core remains the same. That seems contradictory, and I'm not even sure what I mean by that statement exactly. I just know that the same things I wanted six months ago are the same things I want right now, maybe even more so. Being pregnant, I know that I have to think of this person, this little girl who is inside of me. Everything I do directly affects her, what I eat, when I sleep, exercise, even showering (she does not like when the shower water hits my belly, she hits back). But the other decisions and choices I have to make affect her too, and I wonder just what it is I'm doing, and if its too late to change. And if I change, will those decisions really be any better for her.
I'm just tired.

help me

I want a ham (or) turkey sandwhich with mustard on white bread.

And an RC cola.

What is happening to me?

Everybody wants to rule the world...

I can't believe its 2006. This is the year of the Cucumber, ready or not she will be here in four short months. Its like I knew all along that in one way or another she'd have to come out, but now I'm nervous and not ready! I'm just at a point now, (week 23) where my energy has picked up, I feel pretty good and I'm getting used to my new body. My favorite part of the day is when I lay down on the sofa and she kicks and kicks and kicks and kicks until I get up and walk around. This kid likes movement, already so much like her mama.
We had a quiet holiday and it was nice. Christmas was good, New Year's o.k. with H's mom in the hospital we spent the later part of the holiday break we spent much of our time looking after her. She is home and recoperating now.
Over the break I spent some time watching TV and listening to music, no shocker there I'm sure, but I listened to some oldies and I'm amazed at the memories that came back to me, of course because I'm suffering from pregnancy brain I can't remember all of the songs, but here are a few:

Natalie Merchant and 10,000 Maniacs Because the Night

Tears for Fears Everybody Wants to Rule the World

George Michaels Careless Whispers

There is much to say about these three songs, but for now I must be happy that I've at least listed these here so hopefully I won't forget to come back and talk about them.