My husband says that he has ABMS. Asiatic Black Man Syndrome: Poor diet, High stress. He lists several men that have had or are coping with this disorder:
James Evans (Good Times)
Fiddler (Roots)
Kunta Kinte (Roots)
Martin Luther King Jr
My Uncle M.
My Uncle R.
Actually, all of my Uncles.
My father
My brother
My grandfathers (RIP)
Big Mike, actually any Man living with a Black Woman
Moses
I'm sure the list could go on.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
oh. the move
We have found a place in new city up yonder. I am very nervous. I am making list upon list to try to organize myself and my family. I have books to read before classes start. I am nervous.
We were blessed to find a place that is furnished, so we don't have to move all of our things. We are blessed. I have to figure out what we are going to take and what we'll leave.
My mom is very sad, she will no doubt miss babe. Everyone is moving and changing, my bro got a new job, we'll now have two grandkids living out-of-state, another in the northern part of the state and another in the far southwest. For the first time in my life I'll be away from home. I'm not nearly as excited as I used to think I'd be. But I'm older now and I think that has something to do with it.
And today has been weird. Stayed up way too late reading Harry Potter and then got up around noon today. Stepped on my glasses and had to go over to the mall to order a new pair. I'll be walking around with my broken glasses con tape until the new ones come in.
I'm tired of sitting at this desk, reading, organizing, and trying to make things work.
I am starting to feel small again. Oh. so small.
We were blessed to find a place that is furnished, so we don't have to move all of our things. We are blessed. I have to figure out what we are going to take and what we'll leave.
My mom is very sad, she will no doubt miss babe. Everyone is moving and changing, my bro got a new job, we'll now have two grandkids living out-of-state, another in the northern part of the state and another in the far southwest. For the first time in my life I'll be away from home. I'm not nearly as excited as I used to think I'd be. But I'm older now and I think that has something to do with it.
And today has been weird. Stayed up way too late reading Harry Potter and then got up around noon today. Stepped on my glasses and had to go over to the mall to order a new pair. I'll be walking around with my broken glasses con tape until the new ones come in.
I'm tired of sitting at this desk, reading, organizing, and trying to make things work.
I am starting to feel small again. Oh. so small.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
this is what happens....
when you have no net access at home and then must cram all of them into one sitting while your bro watches your Babe.
Things a Babe can Do
Because I've not posted an updated list on things my Babe can do.....
1. Say dada to Dad and to me.
2. Dance.
3. Squat to pooh, still in the diaper, but I'm not wanting to introduce potty training just yet, she's only 14 months.
4. Sing (la la la is her favorite).
5. She realizes that the remote control controls the TV and likes to turn it off. We are very happy about this.
6. Kick the ball down the hall to her room.
7. Feed herself.
8. Wash her face.
9. Point to her toes and noes when asked where they are.
10. Put on her Dora shoes.
11. Identify Dora.
12. Run, well its more of a fast trot, but it can pass for running.
13. Give hugs when she first wakes up in the morning.
14. Negotiate not taking a nap, she does this by pulling out tons of toys and books so that it takes forever to clean up.
15. Sit on the porch stoop.
16. Walk up stairs with help.
17. Color, books and the floor are her favorite canvases.
18. Turn around in circles.
She never stops amazing me. I was just reading Dooce's post, on her daughter's developments at month 41. I used to read Dooce's postings before I had a Babe and it always made me want a babe. Now I have a Babe and I can understand why its so important to find a way to record all the things your babes do, because they do them so quickly and soon they become normal, just a part of your routine and then one day it catches you off guard, the fact that you don't have to carry them everywhere or that they can tell you when they are pooping and you wonder when it changed. Like I don't remember the exact day that Babe started to squat and rub her belly to let us know she'd taken a pooh. Or I don't remember exactly when she started to learn that she had control over things around her, could make her toys move, could make us laugh, could wave and get reactions from strangers. But sometimes I just watch and I'm amazed that she is really becoming her own person. Its really a beautiful thing to be a part of.
1. Say dada to Dad and to me.
2. Dance.
3. Squat to pooh, still in the diaper, but I'm not wanting to introduce potty training just yet, she's only 14 months.
4. Sing (la la la is her favorite).
5. She realizes that the remote control controls the TV and likes to turn it off. We are very happy about this.
6. Kick the ball down the hall to her room.
7. Feed herself.
8. Wash her face.
9. Point to her toes and noes when asked where they are.
10. Put on her Dora shoes.
11. Identify Dora.
12. Run, well its more of a fast trot, but it can pass for running.
13. Give hugs when she first wakes up in the morning.
14. Negotiate not taking a nap, she does this by pulling out tons of toys and books so that it takes forever to clean up.
15. Sit on the porch stoop.
16. Walk up stairs with help.
17. Color, books and the floor are her favorite canvases.
18. Turn around in circles.
She never stops amazing me. I was just reading Dooce's post, on her daughter's developments at month 41. I used to read Dooce's postings before I had a Babe and it always made me want a babe. Now I have a Babe and I can understand why its so important to find a way to record all the things your babes do, because they do them so quickly and soon they become normal, just a part of your routine and then one day it catches you off guard, the fact that you don't have to carry them everywhere or that they can tell you when they are pooping and you wonder when it changed. Like I don't remember the exact day that Babe started to squat and rub her belly to let us know she'd taken a pooh. Or I don't remember exactly when she started to learn that she had control over things around her, could make her toys move, could make us laugh, could wave and get reactions from strangers. But sometimes I just watch and I'm amazed that she is really becoming her own person. Its really a beautiful thing to be a part of.
8 things
I saw this over at Tree's place and decided I wanted to give it a whirl:
I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
Each player
starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are
tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these
rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get
tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling
them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Random Fact 1: I am sometimes terrified to the point of covering my eyes when I go across bridges (not while driving of course).Random Fact 2: I love office supply stores and catalogues. I am addicted to buying calendars and desk organizers.
Random Fact 3: I once read and researched so much about the Vietnam war that I camped out under a tree in mud to try and feel what it might have been like. Needless to say I could not recreate this and it troubled my mother.
Random Fact 4: I learned how to read when I was 4, my granny taught me.
Random Fact 5: I've never lived outside of Riva city and the tri-riva city area.
Random Fact 6: I once said I did not want to move to another city based solely on the fact that the city did not have a Chinese restaurant.
Random Fact 7: I was in labor with Babe for 14+ hours and towards the end was so spaced out from pain that I wanted to do my own c-section.
Random Fact 8: I am supposed to be moving in less than 4 weeks to a far away new city, state and have yet to pack a thing. Why? Because I am oh so very frightened.
Okie so who ever reads this should go next.
A Troubled Childhood
Conversation that took place before going to see Transformers Monday evening:
Me: So, like remind me of what the Transformers did again. I think I watched them as kids, but I'm not so sure I remember.
DH: They were robots, there were two groups, the autobots and the...
Me: Oh yeah, and they would all come together to form Voltron, right? I remember the song...
DH: No, you've got two cartoons confused. Voltron was a mixture of....
Me: No, I think you got it wrong, Voltron was when all the robots came together to have like super power.
DH: Uh, no.
Me: So they were like with the Thundercats?
Me: So, like remind me of what the Transformers did again. I think I watched them as kids, but I'm not so sure I remember.
DH: They were robots, there were two groups, the autobots and the...
Me: Oh yeah, and they would all come together to form Voltron, right? I remember the song...
DH: No, you've got two cartoons confused. Voltron was a mixture of....
Me: No, I think you got it wrong, Voltron was when all the robots came together to have like super power.
DH: Uh, no.
Me: So they were like with the Thundercats?
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Things My Grandma Taught Me
Kathryn W. Anderson
December 20, 1928-June 20, 2006
1. People are different, but you don't have to be.
2. French Fries aren't good cold.
3. Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwhiches are much better smooshed.
4. Tuna fish is good for you, and you should eat a little meat every now and again.
5. Bread can solve many problems.
6. Eat when you are hungry.
7. Don't talk on the phone during a storm.
8. How to read.
9. Good penmenship is essential.
10. You can change your name if you don't like it.
11. You can be sophisticated and have a gold tooth (or bar).
12. C-sections aren't bad.
13. All that matters is that you try.
14. As long as you get a D its really okie not to ace everything in school.
15. Don't start wearing makeup and you won't need it.
16. Good credit goes a long way.
17. People treat us differently, but keep being yourself.
18. Drive.
19. Always dream.
20. Condoms aren't always trustworthy.
21. Caller ID rules.
22. Eat well and get exercise.
23. Cake and ice cream before bed can help you.
24. If you need to loose weight, stop the cake and ice cream before bed.
25. Drink water, and lots of it.
26. See the doctor if you worry, and don't be 'steetin bout' what anyone else says.
27. Rub your baby's legs so they won't be bowed.
28. Baby massage helps to relax a baby and keep their skin smooth.
29. Sometimes you have to act a little crazy to get your way.
30. Keep your faith, whatever it may be.
31. Don't depend on no one.
32. Keep good credit and they will sell you anything.
33. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll get free food.
34. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll forget if your at one for a bank or food.
35. School doesn't always matter.
36. Even with #35, she still taught me how to be a teacher.
37. Remember where you came from, but don't let that fog your future.
38. Follow your heart.
39. Patience.
40. Thoughtfulness.
41. What it means to walk in faith.
42. Intelligence.
43. How to listen.
44. Kindness goes a long ways.
45. Ask questions when you don't know.
46. Stick in the tough situations but know you can always come home.
47. Eat bread when you choke.
48. Vinegar-Whops are good for upset tummies.
49. How to give a Babe a bath.
50. Love.
Love you granny.
December 20, 1928-June 20, 2006
1. People are different, but you don't have to be.
2. French Fries aren't good cold.
3. Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwhiches are much better smooshed.
4. Tuna fish is good for you, and you should eat a little meat every now and again.
5. Bread can solve many problems.
6. Eat when you are hungry.
7. Don't talk on the phone during a storm.
8. How to read.
9. Good penmenship is essential.
10. You can change your name if you don't like it.
11. You can be sophisticated and have a gold tooth (or bar).
12. C-sections aren't bad.
13. All that matters is that you try.
14. As long as you get a D its really okie not to ace everything in school.
15. Don't start wearing makeup and you won't need it.
16. Good credit goes a long way.
17. People treat us differently, but keep being yourself.
18. Drive.
19. Always dream.
20. Condoms aren't always trustworthy.
21. Caller ID rules.
22. Eat well and get exercise.
23. Cake and ice cream before bed can help you.
24. If you need to loose weight, stop the cake and ice cream before bed.
25. Drink water, and lots of it.
26. See the doctor if you worry, and don't be 'steetin bout' what anyone else says.
27. Rub your baby's legs so they won't be bowed.
28. Baby massage helps to relax a baby and keep their skin smooth.
29. Sometimes you have to act a little crazy to get your way.
30. Keep your faith, whatever it may be.
31. Don't depend on no one.
32. Keep good credit and they will sell you anything.
33. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll get free food.
34. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll forget if your at one for a bank or food.
35. School doesn't always matter.
36. Even with #35, she still taught me how to be a teacher.
37. Remember where you came from, but don't let that fog your future.
38. Follow your heart.
39. Patience.
40. Thoughtfulness.
41. What it means to walk in faith.
42. Intelligence.
43. How to listen.
44. Kindness goes a long ways.
45. Ask questions when you don't know.
46. Stick in the tough situations but know you can always come home.
47. Eat bread when you choke.
48. Vinegar-Whops are good for upset tummies.
49. How to give a Babe a bath.
50. Love.
Love you granny.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Dreams that surface from Shallow sleep*
I think it must be from the stress of planning a move and going back to school, but I've had the most random dreams and thoughts that surface:
-the other night, I was dreaming that I was getting married again, but had to drive a big ass bus in order to get to my parents house. once there, they had redone their home with nice new windows and central ac/heat (anyone who knows my parents knows very well that this is a dream...the rock radiators and window units).
-I've had random ass dreams about people from high school. like I'm going to lunch with them and having grown-up conversations about life, kids, work, but its weird because its people I've not talked to in like years. at least a decade.
These are just two examples, I try to forget most of them because they are just so damn peculiar. I can't fight the fact that I don't get nearly as much sleep as I should. Not good deep sleep because a babe is still sleeping in the bed with us (we dig the family bed). Babe now turns herself completely around while sleeping which means we have to move around her so that no one falls off. I've also taken to reading before bed again which used to be a really good habit, but now the books I've chosen (just started Zadie Smith's On Beauty and am also reading about snake's in church services in the south...can't think of the title) but anyways... the reading, the watching of late night TV (yikers, I watch Tyra), and reading Babe her books (Mama, Mama, Papa Papa and Olivia) AND the fact that I've been listening to way too much Johnny Cash and Elvis hymns I'm sure is why I've been having such weird dreams.
I hope.
Truth is, I really need to find another outlet for stress and thinking because I'm so bottled up right now, so worried about the move, and how it'll affect Babe and H, and myself and our future and everything that I don't know what to do. I've not been able to write in my journal (paper version) because its just not helping me. Truth be told I've not kept a paper journal now for at least a year. Its not the same. Or maybe I'm not the same, my expectations for writing have changed. It used to be, that I thought I could write myself into feeling calmer and better. If I could just get the shit out of my head and onto the paper I'd be able to figure things out. Then the shit just got so much more complicated that the paper couldn't contain it. Or rather, I just couldn't quite get it down. This blog is the only type of reflective writing I do right now. Damn, its the only writing I do really, outside of lists and appointment notes and stuff. But I guess my question for myself is really just why I don't get that same pleasure out of writing that I used to? Why doesn't it make me feel better?
I'd stopped writing after 9.11 but then returned to it about a year after. My grandma died almost a year ago (6.20) and I stopped writing...well actually before that I'd ended this blog at one point and before that I hadn't been able to write in a consistent way during my pregnancy, again except for the blog.
I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to get at or what I'm trying to discover, I guess a new way to look at things and to try to feel better, to be able to put things down--out of my head-- and let them rest some where else while I try to rest my own head.
*from Warcloud's Album Nightmares that surface from shallow sleep
-the other night, I was dreaming that I was getting married again, but had to drive a big ass bus in order to get to my parents house. once there, they had redone their home with nice new windows and central ac/heat (anyone who knows my parents knows very well that this is a dream...the rock radiators and window units).
-I've had random ass dreams about people from high school. like I'm going to lunch with them and having grown-up conversations about life, kids, work, but its weird because its people I've not talked to in like years. at least a decade.
These are just two examples, I try to forget most of them because they are just so damn peculiar. I can't fight the fact that I don't get nearly as much sleep as I should. Not good deep sleep because a babe is still sleeping in the bed with us (we dig the family bed). Babe now turns herself completely around while sleeping which means we have to move around her so that no one falls off. I've also taken to reading before bed again which used to be a really good habit, but now the books I've chosen (just started Zadie Smith's On Beauty and am also reading about snake's in church services in the south...can't think of the title) but anyways... the reading, the watching of late night TV (yikers, I watch Tyra), and reading Babe her books (Mama, Mama, Papa Papa and Olivia) AND the fact that I've been listening to way too much Johnny Cash and Elvis hymns I'm sure is why I've been having such weird dreams.
I hope.
Truth is, I really need to find another outlet for stress and thinking because I'm so bottled up right now, so worried about the move, and how it'll affect Babe and H, and myself and our future and everything that I don't know what to do. I've not been able to write in my journal (paper version) because its just not helping me. Truth be told I've not kept a paper journal now for at least a year. Its not the same. Or maybe I'm not the same, my expectations for writing have changed. It used to be, that I thought I could write myself into feeling calmer and better. If I could just get the shit out of my head and onto the paper I'd be able to figure things out. Then the shit just got so much more complicated that the paper couldn't contain it. Or rather, I just couldn't quite get it down. This blog is the only type of reflective writing I do right now. Damn, its the only writing I do really, outside of lists and appointment notes and stuff. But I guess my question for myself is really just why I don't get that same pleasure out of writing that I used to? Why doesn't it make me feel better?
I'd stopped writing after 9.11 but then returned to it about a year after. My grandma died almost a year ago (6.20) and I stopped writing...well actually before that I'd ended this blog at one point and before that I hadn't been able to write in a consistent way during my pregnancy, again except for the blog.
I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to get at or what I'm trying to discover, I guess a new way to look at things and to try to feel better, to be able to put things down--out of my head-- and let them rest some where else while I try to rest my own head.
*from Warcloud's Album Nightmares that surface from shallow sleep
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Week in Review
Just really posting because I've not posted in a bit. Summer is keeping us busy, birthdays, graduations, and moving to CNY.
Babe is walking steady now and dances at the drop of a hat (or sound of a beat). We've been working on planning our move, hoping that it'll be as smooth as possible, but doubting it, or rather not holding our breathe too much.
Last night bro and I went to a slammin (and yes I know that is totally from the 80s) Mos Def concert and had a good time. He's call and response thing was "Don't Stop the Rock...I Feel Good."
Today there was a family reunion on my dad's side and it was rather sad. Not many folks, family is scattered...and its hard to get folks together.
But whatever.....my mind is zapped from the sun, so I'll end this now.
Babe is walking steady now and dances at the drop of a hat (or sound of a beat). We've been working on planning our move, hoping that it'll be as smooth as possible, but doubting it, or rather not holding our breathe too much.
Last night bro and I went to a slammin (and yes I know that is totally from the 80s) Mos Def concert and had a good time. He's call and response thing was "Don't Stop the Rock...I Feel Good."
Today there was a family reunion on my dad's side and it was rather sad. Not many folks, family is scattered...and its hard to get folks together.
But whatever.....my mind is zapped from the sun, so I'll end this now.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Q&A
Blog: So, Ilnizzzah, school is out and summer is in! Can you tell us a little bit about your plans for the summer months?
Ilnizzzah: Yeah, well, I'm not sure. I mean, I think (am almost certain) we are moving this summer, leaving ye ole lonely road and heading north. I got accepted into a PhD program for the Fall and I'm...
Blog: Wow! Congrats, but a PhD? Up North? With a 1 year old babe? That is a mighty big step and it sure is aways away from Rivah City.
Ilnizzzah: Yeah. I don't think the distance will bother me too much. It already feels quite lonely here and my family is only like 30 minutes from my house. As for Babe, she actually forces me to be a good student, to prioritize and to know what's really important in life. So I'm not...
Blog: I see. Well, yes, but have you thought about Babe not seeing her grandparents as much? That'll be mighty hard on them and...
Ilnizzzah: We are only about 7 hours away and they are willing to drive up or take a train. So I'm hopeful that either way, we'll get to see them once a month. I've no doubt it will be hard, because we are all so accustomed to seeing one another like every day, but this past year has turned everything upside down on its ass, with my granny passing, General just passed, our move(s), things just aren't they way they used to be. I'm hoping this move will bring about a change for the better and I'm sure that you.....
Blog: Yes, change, but you know, sometimes you don't handle change too well. Seems that it stresses you out, in the past I've thought often that you are a creature of habit who...
Ilnizzah: Well, creatures can also learn new behaviors as well, you have to in order to survive. There are a lot of things I've done in the past year that I'd never done or thought of doing before. I'm game for this.
Blog: So you think this is just a 'game'? You do realize you are asking your family to relocate, move out of a house, and...
Ilnizzzah: You certainly are a sprite one. NO. I don't think of this as a game, but I do realize that sometimes you can't plan everything and when a plan unfolds for you, if it feels right and can better your condition and your family's sometimes you have to trust and proceed as the way comes.
Ilnizzzah: Yeah, well, I'm not sure. I mean, I think (am almost certain) we are moving this summer, leaving ye ole lonely road and heading north. I got accepted into a PhD program for the Fall and I'm...
Blog: Wow! Congrats, but a PhD? Up North? With a 1 year old babe? That is a mighty big step and it sure is aways away from Rivah City.
Ilnizzzah: Yeah. I don't think the distance will bother me too much. It already feels quite lonely here and my family is only like 30 minutes from my house. As for Babe, she actually forces me to be a good student, to prioritize and to know what's really important in life. So I'm not...
Blog: I see. Well, yes, but have you thought about Babe not seeing her grandparents as much? That'll be mighty hard on them and...
Ilnizzzah: We are only about 7 hours away and they are willing to drive up or take a train. So I'm hopeful that either way, we'll get to see them once a month. I've no doubt it will be hard, because we are all so accustomed to seeing one another like every day, but this past year has turned everything upside down on its ass, with my granny passing, General just passed, our move(s), things just aren't they way they used to be. I'm hoping this move will bring about a change for the better and I'm sure that you.....
Blog: Yes, change, but you know, sometimes you don't handle change too well. Seems that it stresses you out, in the past I've thought often that you are a creature of habit who...
Ilnizzah: Well, creatures can also learn new behaviors as well, you have to in order to survive. There are a lot of things I've done in the past year that I'd never done or thought of doing before. I'm game for this.
Blog: So you think this is just a 'game'? You do realize you are asking your family to relocate, move out of a house, and...
Ilnizzzah: You certainly are a sprite one. NO. I don't think of this as a game, but I do realize that sometimes you can't plan everything and when a plan unfolds for you, if it feels right and can better your condition and your family's sometimes you have to trust and proceed as the way comes.
Monday, May 28, 2007
memorial weekend in review.
She's baaaaaaaaaaacccccccccck.
After almost two years MIA my period returned yesterday. I know, maybe too much info, but this has been a blog where I've tapped into a little bit of everything, from school to work to pregnancy, so there. Ha.
I can't say I missed it at all, that's also one of the other side perks of breastfeeding, you don't have to worry about your period coming back so soon, but now the Babe is munching on mac-n-cheese and sipping juice more each day. She only nurses at night.
The babe is growing up!
After almost two years MIA my period returned yesterday. I know, maybe too much info, but this has been a blog where I've tapped into a little bit of everything, from school to work to pregnancy, so there. Ha.
I can't say I missed it at all, that's also one of the other side perks of breastfeeding, you don't have to worry about your period coming back so soon, but now the Babe is munching on mac-n-cheese and sipping juice more each day. She only nurses at night.
The babe is growing up!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
December 15. 1997-May 25. 2007
We lost another beloved member of our family. Our dog, General, died early on Friday morning, May 25. 2007
We loved him dearly.
We loved him dearly.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
My trip to Walmart
Tonight we had to go by Walmart to pick up random things (wood chips for the grill, light bulbs, diapers for Babe, laundry detergent, you get the picture) and I just took a moment to notice how amazing Walmart actually is.
Where else can you go and buy a Virgin of Guadalupe yard statue, chicken gizzards, hemp string, cheese, and alcohol. Not that I have anything against any of the above mentioned items, I almost got the Virgin statue, bought the hemp and cheese. No go on the gizzards and alchie.
Babe enjoyed herself, she's such a people-watcher, much like her mama. I have more fun sitting in the parking lot than actually going in. My bro and I usually make up stories about the people we say, including narrator's comments, conversation, and setting descriptions. I've done this for as long as I can remember, always making up stories about people that I see, dreaming about what I think their lives are like, what their problems might be.
Sometimes I want to put those things down on paper, just create short stories or character sketches, but I haven't as of yet. Just another thing to add to the good ole list.
Where else can you go and buy a Virgin of Guadalupe yard statue, chicken gizzards, hemp string, cheese, and alcohol. Not that I have anything against any of the above mentioned items, I almost got the Virgin statue, bought the hemp and cheese. No go on the gizzards and alchie.
Babe enjoyed herself, she's such a people-watcher, much like her mama. I have more fun sitting in the parking lot than actually going in. My bro and I usually make up stories about the people we say, including narrator's comments, conversation, and setting descriptions. I've done this for as long as I can remember, always making up stories about people that I see, dreaming about what I think their lives are like, what their problems might be.
Sometimes I want to put those things down on paper, just create short stories or character sketches, but I haven't as of yet. Just another thing to add to the good ole list.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
post with no name
I've been wanting to write for quite some time, but just have not had the time, energy, or wherewithal (is that even a word) to do so. There has been so much on my mind that I don't even know where to begin. So I might ramble a bit, but I need to get it all out of my head...
Babe
Turned a year old, and its been bittersweet. She is walking now, she starting walking on May 18, at 11:43PM to be exact. And its so weird to watch her now, she can stand and play at her toy box or her little chair and I don't have to stand beside her. She can take out the toys she likes, throw the ones she doesn't. I know why people get 'baby fever' around this time, because you see your little one growing and changing and becoming more independent and it makes you long for those days of just holding them, nursing, naps, rocking. Now she wants to get down on the floor, crawl, dance, and just wiggle about. She got her first pair of shoes tonight.
Moving
I was given the opportunity to begin school this fall. Everything happened really quickly and we've spent the past month trying to adjust to this new change. It does mean moving away from here and starting out in a new environment with no family, no friends, no known resources. But we are thinking that we are going to in fact do this. Its a way for me to finish my education and hopefully get a full time tenure-track job once I'm done. This will be the first time DH and I move away from home, home-home that is. It'll also be really difficult because we have babe now and my family has gotten so attached to her. My mom doesn't even want to talk about us leaving, its that hard. We are worried about how we'll manage without having family around us, because we are so fortunate now to have a good network, but I think we also feel like we've just got to try.
I'm thinking about how sometimes the things that seem so hard and difficult bring the greatest reward and knowledge.
Studenting/Mothering/Othering
I've seen myself solely as a mom for the past year. I mean I've been only in mom-mode, so its kinda hard for me to think of myself as being something else. Its important for me to establish an identity outside of being a mother, because sometimes I find that I miss old things I used to do, and I wonder if that's why I feel so 'different and at times lonely. I used to journal on a regular basis and read. I'd go through books like crazy. Honestly, I just didn't have the time for that this past year with Babe and all, but slowly I'm trying to welcome some of those old things back into my life again. Realizing that I'm not the same person who could read 3 books in a week, but just because I can't doesn't mean that I have to give that love up all together, it just means I can read 1 at a time, or that I might not journal as frequently, but I can still do those things, its just me doing them in a different way.
Thinking about going back to school and getting back into teaching and writing and researching has made me worry a bit, because I feel like I'm different now, I'll be a different kind of student, but I'm still trying to convince myself that doesn't mean I'll be a bad student. I think there are some things I've learned from being a mom that most definitely can benefit me as a student. Maybe I needed to learn some of those lessons before I went to school.
So, there is a hecka of a lot going on right now and I'm gonna try to keep up with my posting, but with a walking Babe now....I'm spending more time running.
Babe
Turned a year old, and its been bittersweet. She is walking now, she starting walking on May 18, at 11:43PM to be exact. And its so weird to watch her now, she can stand and play at her toy box or her little chair and I don't have to stand beside her. She can take out the toys she likes, throw the ones she doesn't. I know why people get 'baby fever' around this time, because you see your little one growing and changing and becoming more independent and it makes you long for those days of just holding them, nursing, naps, rocking. Now she wants to get down on the floor, crawl, dance, and just wiggle about. She got her first pair of shoes tonight.
Moving
I was given the opportunity to begin school this fall. Everything happened really quickly and we've spent the past month trying to adjust to this new change. It does mean moving away from here and starting out in a new environment with no family, no friends, no known resources. But we are thinking that we are going to in fact do this. Its a way for me to finish my education and hopefully get a full time tenure-track job once I'm done. This will be the first time DH and I move away from home, home-home that is. It'll also be really difficult because we have babe now and my family has gotten so attached to her. My mom doesn't even want to talk about us leaving, its that hard. We are worried about how we'll manage without having family around us, because we are so fortunate now to have a good network, but I think we also feel like we've just got to try.
I'm thinking about how sometimes the things that seem so hard and difficult bring the greatest reward and knowledge.
Studenting/Mothering/Othering
I've seen myself solely as a mom for the past year. I mean I've been only in mom-mode, so its kinda hard for me to think of myself as being something else. Its important for me to establish an identity outside of being a mother, because sometimes I find that I miss old things I used to do, and I wonder if that's why I feel so 'different and at times lonely. I used to journal on a regular basis and read. I'd go through books like crazy. Honestly, I just didn't have the time for that this past year with Babe and all, but slowly I'm trying to welcome some of those old things back into my life again. Realizing that I'm not the same person who could read 3 books in a week, but just because I can't doesn't mean that I have to give that love up all together, it just means I can read 1 at a time, or that I might not journal as frequently, but I can still do those things, its just me doing them in a different way.
Thinking about going back to school and getting back into teaching and writing and researching has made me worry a bit, because I feel like I'm different now, I'll be a different kind of student, but I'm still trying to convince myself that doesn't mean I'll be a bad student. I think there are some things I've learned from being a mom that most definitely can benefit me as a student. Maybe I needed to learn some of those lessons before I went to school.
So, there is a hecka of a lot going on right now and I'm gonna try to keep up with my posting, but with a walking Babe now....I'm spending more time running.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
No Sweet Tea
We travelled up North, CNY to be exact, to visit because I've been admitted into a PhD program for this fall. I'm happy to report that we got lost several times, never quite made it to any of the appointments we had to look at places, and had no sweet tea. It was really weird. We stopped in several restaurants, grocery stores, and little snack shops around the area and no one had sweet tea. I must admit that I was very disappointed and upset, I usually drink sweet tea with every meal (except breakfast). I didn't know this was such a southern phenomena until this trip when there was no sweet tea the entire time up there, even on the road, until we got to Maryland. That must be the sweet tea cut-off line, some mysterious line made up of ice cubes and sugar cane, and tea bags.
We got lost throughout the city, but it paid off because we were able to figure out places that we didn't really like and places that weren't originally recommended to us, that we just happened to find. Now the hard part is trying to find a place that will allow our dog, it doesn't seem like ye ole city up yonder is too pet friendly when it comes to renting.
Babe did really well driving up there, but the way back was harder because we traveled during the day and she got very fussy at the end. We all did.
We got lost throughout the city, but it paid off because we were able to figure out places that we didn't really like and places that weren't originally recommended to us, that we just happened to find. Now the hard part is trying to find a place that will allow our dog, it doesn't seem like ye ole city up yonder is too pet friendly when it comes to renting.
Babe did really well driving up there, but the way back was harder because we traveled during the day and she got very fussy at the end. We all did.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
checking in
This week has kept me so busy. Finishing up the end of the semester for the classes I was teaching and the class I take, along with birthday celebrations, and preparing for a trip up to the ye ole norf. We are going to go look at places up norf because, well, dammit, I'm going back to school.
I'm hungry now and want to write more, but a cheesey enchilada is calling my name...and I'mma go answer.
A Babe update
**Babe can snap her fingers to music. I was at least 10 or 11 before I figured that out. Her dad was 20. Clearly, she already superceeds us. Pure genius.**
I'm hungry now and want to write more, but a cheesey enchilada is calling my name...and I'mma go answer.
A Babe update
**Babe can snap her fingers to music. I was at least 10 or 11 before I figured that out. Her dad was 20. Clearly, she already superceeds us. Pure genius.**
Monday, May 7, 2007
Tis be my Birthday....
...watch me do the birthday dance! Arrrrrreba! Ole!
cha cha cha ....
After partying like it was 1999 all weekend for Babe's birthday, today is kinda quiet and I'm not complaining. I am now 29 years old. Wow. I don't feel weird about getting older and 29 doesn't feel that old to me. My granny used to say you don't feel different until you hit 5o, then things just start to change. But I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I've got a paper to turn in that I stayed up until 2 in the morning writing! and an exam to take in about an hour.
I didn't really ask for much this birthday, except this. And I'm very happy because DH is actually getting it for me. I had a red and white one as a kid and I haven't ridden in years, so I look forward to this exercise again.
Birthdays have been kinda hard in my family because granny used to coordinate the birthday festivities, a cake, party hats, singing, all that stuff. So we've each found different ways to change and still honor the tradition. This year I decided that each year I'm going to make myself a birthday promise, something that I'll do for myself to make myself a better person.
This year's birthday promise: I just want to really stop the bull shit. And I mean that in oh so many ways. No need to 'splain Lucy.
cha cha cha ....
After partying like it was 1999 all weekend for Babe's birthday, today is kinda quiet and I'm not complaining. I am now 29 years old. Wow. I don't feel weird about getting older and 29 doesn't feel that old to me. My granny used to say you don't feel different until you hit 5o, then things just start to change. But I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I've got a paper to turn in that I stayed up until 2 in the morning writing! and an exam to take in about an hour.
I didn't really ask for much this birthday, except this. And I'm very happy because DH is actually getting it for me. I had a red and white one as a kid and I haven't ridden in years, so I look forward to this exercise again.
Birthdays have been kinda hard in my family because granny used to coordinate the birthday festivities, a cake, party hats, singing, all that stuff. So we've each found different ways to change and still honor the tradition. This year I decided that each year I'm going to make myself a birthday promise, something that I'll do for myself to make myself a better person.
This year's birthday promise: I just want to really stop the bull shit. And I mean that in oh so many ways. No need to 'splain Lucy.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
My first birthday.
Today is Babe's 1st birthday. We spent the day opening presents (her favorite have been Backyardagain clip-ons, an activity cube, blocks, and a Vera Bradley purse), taking many pictures, and just remembering how she got here and what a wonderful year of milestones we've had with her.
Babe arrived in this world via cesarean birth. While I had general anesthesia (long story, but all was well, believe me, all was very well as I slept and felt no pain after 15 hours of the hardest work I've ever done in my life) I was not awake when she first came out, but once I was awake the first person I saw was Babe. She was tiny and swaddled and had been placed at my breast to nurse by our doula. She was gorgeous. DH and I spent the rest of the night and early morning looking at her, listening to her cries, and trying to fill out endless paperwork about her name. Those first few days are a blurr to me now. I know that I went home after 3 days, she slept no longer than 30 minutes at a time, sometimes 40 or 45, and she had a scream that could peel paint off of walls. I remember charting everything, from pees to poohs, to how long she cried, to which breast she nursed on, to pimples on her nose. We barely left the house, except for a doctor's visit to check her weight and height. It was a wonderful week. Those weeks moved into months and many other special things, the first time she tried holding her head up by herself (about 3 weeks), the first time she smiled and cooed at us-about 2 months (randomly she did it at 2 1/2 days), the first time she sat up by herself Thanksgiving, her first visit to see Santa, moving into our first house, the first cruising steps (9 months), crawling (11 months-2 weeks ago to be exact), and now her first birthday.
I honestly don't know where the year has gone, while not every moment has been spectacular, some have been down right scary (her first big fever in the middle of the night, her first temper tantrum in a store-over hot dog buns) and some have been sad (the loss of her great-grandma at 6 weeks old), every moment has propelled me towards this: there hasn't been anything greater to happen to me than this, being a mother.
Babe arrived in this world via cesarean birth. While I had general anesthesia (long story, but all was well, believe me, all was very well as I slept and felt no pain after 15 hours of the hardest work I've ever done in my life) I was not awake when she first came out, but once I was awake the first person I saw was Babe. She was tiny and swaddled and had been placed at my breast to nurse by our doula. She was gorgeous. DH and I spent the rest of the night and early morning looking at her, listening to her cries, and trying to fill out endless paperwork about her name. Those first few days are a blurr to me now. I know that I went home after 3 days, she slept no longer than 30 minutes at a time, sometimes 40 or 45, and she had a scream that could peel paint off of walls. I remember charting everything, from pees to poohs, to how long she cried, to which breast she nursed on, to pimples on her nose. We barely left the house, except for a doctor's visit to check her weight and height. It was a wonderful week. Those weeks moved into months and many other special things, the first time she tried holding her head up by herself (about 3 weeks), the first time she smiled and cooed at us-about 2 months (randomly she did it at 2 1/2 days), the first time she sat up by herself Thanksgiving, her first visit to see Santa, moving into our first house, the first cruising steps (9 months), crawling (11 months-2 weeks ago to be exact), and now her first birthday.
I honestly don't know where the year has gone, while not every moment has been spectacular, some have been down right scary (her first big fever in the middle of the night, her first temper tantrum in a store-over hot dog buns) and some have been sad (the loss of her great-grandma at 6 weeks old), every moment has propelled me towards this: there hasn't been anything greater to happen to me than this, being a mother.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Reflections..honest
This semester I took a class because I wanted to get back into the swing of school and because I simply adore learning. This semester I took a class with a babe, something I've never done. This semester I became The Student I Dread. How did this happen? Well, lets reflect on my behavior:
- I missed more than the allotted 'free miss' days. I missed 3 to be exact.
- I emailed the professor with questions that I could have answered had I been in class.
- I told the professor that I'd had difficulty finishing an assignment because of personal things at home, namely not having time with a babe to write/research on time.
- I turned in 2 assignments late.
- I did not always read the book.
I dread the fact that I didn't fully utilize this opportunity. Why did I act in this manner? I am a teacher I should know better. I should have planned my time better, should have lined up babysitter assistance so that I could complete homework assignments. Should have made my own deadlines instead of the ones on the syllabus because I know what kind of writer I am, I have to have many mini-writing sessions because I'm not good at just sitting down and cranking things out in long periods of time. So what I have I learned for the future?
- You have a babe. That means you might miss more than the allotted number of classes sometimes. Plan accordingly and don't skip a class one night just because you are lazy* (or afraid of getting a paper back), realize that you may need to save your free 'miss' class in case a babe needs you to take off for legitimate reasons.
- Refer to the first bulletin. But also, don't be afraid to ask questions for clarification.
- Be honest. Don't feel guilty because you have a child and are going to school. You still deserve to be here. But also realize that you've got to budget your time accordingly and this means that you must work in a different way than from how you once worked before, pre-babe.
- Again, time management-and deadlines.
- Just read the damn book.
Much of what I learned about myself this semester is that I do need deadlines. I do need some type of structure. And more than that, I do belong in school, even with a babe. Babe has taught me so much about myself this semester its not funny. That's for another post...
*much of my laziness comes from fear. I fear I'm not going to have the 'smartest' or 'wittiest' answer, or something that the teacher wants to see, so I dread doing the work, thus putting me on a cycle of dread-fear-dread-fear-get too tired from all the dreading and fearing and don't do any doing.
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