another word

dirty. she said my shoes were dirty.

my dirty little secret

In order to get through some of the readings for my classes, I drink lots of Pepsi and eat m & ms.

more words tonight

moon, and apple

update on the vocab

this just in....a babe has added the following to her repertoire:

apple, Oscar, spoon, shoe,

it just doesn't stop. she's spitting words like my man mos spits rhymes.

Babe word count

It just occurred to me that I've been spending all of this time in school studying language (how we acquire it, what it is, how we teach it, blah blah blah) but I've not posted an updated account of the words my Babe now has!
It seemed like something just turned on in her little head and she's been just talking. We now have the following in our babe vocabulary box:

Babe, Me, Cookie, Big Bird, Grover, Elmo, Ernie, book, juice, ABCD, No

But she also now really has the ability to make conversation with you and to follow play. We might be sitting on the floor with her toy giraffe and I'll say, "Let's see, do you think he'd like a snack?" And she'll go and start pulling out different shapes of block and line them up on her plate. Amazing.

Just watching her play is also the most coolest funniest thing in the world (yes, I am going to get a PhD and I use those words

;-P

Now I know why so many language theorist studied their kids and wrote.....see, having a babe or toddler can be very beneficial to your academic career.

Not much better

Today sucked ass. I'm starting to get sick and now I'm fearing that if I do I'll fall behind in the work that I've got to get done. I was thinking that I was a bit ahead..or that I might be able to work ahead this weekend, but my throat is on ugh mode.

Everything is hard. I'm just in a major complaining mode. And there's not much reason to be this way unless I'm going to learn or do something about it.

Right now..I'm gonna go to bed.

This is what I need

Tonight I need the following:

for babe's cold to go away.
a big plate of greens and a veggie burger with sauteed onions, or a portabella mushroom burger.
a cold glass of sweet tea.
to feel confident about what i'm doing.
to have mos def and ole school marj j playing in the background.
to have a hot shower and my hair on point.
my skin well greased, not so i shine, but so i'm shinin'.
my bro and mom around.
dad in the background yelling with a cig.
the tv showing repeats of the brady bunch.

This is what I have:
a babe with a runny nose.
a bowl of nachos.
lukewarm gingerale.
anger about my power(less)ness.
wrestling moves being called from the tv.
a bath with my hair on E
pimples from stress, strech marks, and no good lotion.
no mom. no bro.
no background dad speak.
no tv.

I miss home. i miss the familiar. i miss my old routine.
i'm sad.

inhale....exhale...

My disappearance from the blogosphere has not been intentional. As the family has moved from the ye ole south to the ye ole north for me to become a student again, we've had quite the experience. Some things I will come back to and talk about, others I won't. Not out of fear but just because I plain ole don't want to bring back yucky vibes and feelings.

Let us just say that for now we are still working on settling in. Its amazing the things you take for granted...like knowing where the music store is (and what time it closes), having a good mall, knowing where to get your groceries, knowing where the bank is, where to find cheap gas, and just overall having a place that you feel like you can call home. I'm really big on space. Maybe its because I've always had issues with space, like I never really felt at 'home' when I was at home, only when I was at my granny's house, and then when DH and I first got married and had our first apartment, that felt like home. If you peruse back through some of my posts, I also took issue with the 'home' that we built/reconstructed in the country. I had issues with being able to claim that space.

Well...that's a different story for a different day. But, we are settling into our space and trying to claim it as our own. Babe already has, every room is hers, filled with books, toys, clothes, and her new favorite things: shoes. We went shoe shopping last night with my mom (oh yeah, we came back to the south for a visit this weekend..I know...I should be back reading...but everyone needs to step away...) but anyways..we went to get shoes, her feet seem to outgrow shoes/socks about every three months. She tried to take every shoe off the shelf and hold it up to her foot. Thankfully, the people in the shoe store were really nice, it probably helped that my mom, aunt, and I were busy trying to put everything back the minute Babe would jerk it down.

Babe truly has a personality of her own. She is very bossy and sassy and I use those adjectives in the best of all possibly ways. She commands attention and knows how to express herself very well. Her vocab consists of: Papa, Dada, milly moo (milk), Big Bird, Cookie, Hi, and Bye. Its like one day something just turned on and she all of a sudden was just talking.

Like right now, the babe is calling she wants to read her Big Bird book, again. But its the best thing.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." - Kevin Arnold

Not Real.

The move to new city from ye old lonely road has been like climbing a mountain with flip flops on. Quite literally.

I knew that there would be obstacles, but had no idea what I'd face. I think that should serve as a reminder as to why its so important to *not* worry. When we worry over things that haven't happened yet, its just like wasted energy. I would have never guessed that any of what has happened would happen and the things that I've worried about have not materialized. I have however learned that I am much stronger than I thought. I've also learned that quite often I make more to do over people than is necessary*more on this later.

But for right now, I'm still climbing up with the flip flops. Hopefully I'll get new shoes tomorrow.

a Burning Bush

Driving home tonight I saw a burning bush, quite literally. Shrubs that framed an office parking lot were ablaze. The flames must have reached at least 10 feet in the air. This was all very apropos considering the day I had:

Woke up with a very happy babe, who then begin throwing up not 10 minutes after she'd gotten out of bed.

Stumbled into the kitchen to try to find her some crackers and soda to help settle her belly, finding nothing became angry and decided I'd have to go to the store. We've been trying not to keep so much food in the house because of the impending move, but as a result of this we've eaten out way too much and not had a decent breakfast in weeks.

Drive to the store, hear my cell phone beep and check to find a call. Find that there is some trouble with our move. Without going into too much detail, due to circumstances beyond my control and because of things (or situations rather) that have been placed upon me there is concern that I've not followed a procedure with the department.

Try to solve above situation whilst shopping for food for family and check on sick babe.

Realize that nothing really matters outside of sick babe and give up on above situation.

Come home to a babe who is feeling much better, clean up and call my mother to talk.

Call, throw a fit and have a mini emotional breakdown. Realize I'm being stupid because I've done all that I can do and what I believe is right to do.

Feel that I don't want to go anywhere any more and now have to pack and leave feeling just that way.

Things I need to Remember

I've been spending quite a bit of time (maybe too much) reading the blogs of folks who are in PhD programs, or grad schools of some sort and have been collecting bits and pieces of knowledge. So I'm composing a list of things I think I should remember:

keep a journal and it doesn't have to be one just for academics.
exercise: tis be good for mind, body, and soul.
keep the soul healthy.
eat well.
exercise in case you eat too well.
family time is a MUST.
couple time is a MUST.
not everyone is as smart as they seem.
keep organized in whatever fashion works for you.
plan fun things outside of school.
remember that school is NOT everything.
make use of opportunities given by school (library, movies, discounts, etc).

Frankenstein Life

Tomorrow is the first of many lasts. DH has his last day of work at the place he's been for the past seven years. He's been through a lot there, we got engaged when he first started working there, were married, had our first babe, his mom got sick, my granny died, so they've seen DH through a lot of changes, a lot of changes. I think his leaving is bittersweet. He's wanted a change, but has enjoyed some of what he's done. He's grown to think of some of his office mates as family and others, well, I guess its just best to let it be at that. I think its weird for me because it makes the move even more real. It was real before when I started moving things into the living room in our things to take pile, but now that DH is saying goodbye to his job, I don't know I guess I really see things coming together (so why do I feel like they are falling apart?).

The past week has been really hard on me. Honestly, I've had a hard time sleeping at night and have just felt really anxious, my eating habits have been poor and I've also not been riding my bike or doing any exercise. Most of my 'free' time has been trying to plunge through books, reorient myself with my field of study, prep things for the move, or to just worry. And I'm just sick of it now. Its really annoying me now. I'm usually a nervous nelly, but I'm tired of letting my fear(s) just control my thinking. Every new thing I experience I don't allow myself to just experience sans nervousness. So I'm really deciding to just stop. Here is a list of the things I am going to stop doing:

*talking in absolutes about everything.
*thinking that everything has to turn out poorly.
*guessing.
*trying to be a fortune teller.
*telling myself I'm not smart (enough).
*wasting time.
*worrying about not being able to control the worrying.

True Conffession

I have only 11 days until we move. I am nervous. I have never been this far away before from my bro, mom, dad, aunts, cousins, etc. but I am also a bit excited. I am also very thankful that my babe and husband are coming with me. I'm kinda surprised because quite a few folks have asked me if they were coming or staying here. I can't imagine doing this by myself but even more so I can't imagine leaving them. I know that sometimes people have to have long distance relationships, but its not something I would choose to do with my family.

I can't believe that its almost time for me to be back in school again. I think I've fantasied and worried about it for so long that now that the time is here I'm almost feeling so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do.

...feeling....overWHELMED.....

gonna go make dinner..salad and ice cream sandwiches.

listing...listing...listing

Well, I'm off to a pretty good start. I finished everything on my list except for filling out the calendar and making a list for tomorrow, but I can go ahead and do that now:

Teaching folder Cont'd
Call cable company for move
READ required books

Not bad considering how hot it is here and the heat has zapped me. There is another heat advisory for tomorrow, so if I need to go out I've got to make sure that we do it before noon.

We had sushi for dinner (veggie-yum) and its too hot to cook so I'm gonna have to make salad or something for tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a caesar salad and fruit salad or ice cream sandwiches for dessert. Or gazpacho. I dunno.

The babe had her 15 month check up today. She is almost 30lbs and is 30 inches. A short plump babe.

Still got work to do and I'm getting tired.

nuff for now

listing

My pet peeves:

1. prepaid phones that don't work and dads who won't listen about getting regular cell phones.

2. packing things.

3. spending money.

4. people who you email and they don't respond to the email but send you forwards about random ish.

5. moving far far away.

6. being so attached to my family.

7. cooking.

8. having summer reading.

9. being addicted to buying planners and calendars.

10. family stuff that reminds me of the fact my gma isn't here.

11. worrying.

12. having to get shots for school.

13. listing.
*****
Its count down time for our move and I think that this is where all of this is coming from. I'm feeling antsy, having a hard time sleeping and just making lists and buying planners and trying to remember stuff and spending so much time about worrying and being afraid that I'm not getting much of anything done. I'm realizing this even as I typed up the list above, I'm not accomplishing anything instead I'm being mobilized by my fear and worry. And both are useless at this point.

So....with a deep cleansing yoga breathe, my new list:

Things I would like to accomplish Monday

1. Babe has a 15 month check up and I need copies of her immunization records.

2. I need to put my stuff for teaching in a new binder.

3. Start making stacks of the books I want to take.

4. Fill out the LAST calendar I plan to purchase until it expires! no matter if I see another one that I think will make me more organized or efficient, I'm loosing time with just the buying of the calendars. Fill in dates for school, vacations, and phone numbers.

5. Make another list for Tuesday.

--Read!

These boots were made for talking.

Here lately the babe has been using her words. Or I guess I should rephrase that and say that she talks with her own babe language but for the past week I feel like she's been on the verge of using words that we readily recognize as being a part of the English language . When we pick up keys she'll say "kee" but this is confusing because she also says "kee" when she sees that cats running around. There has been some debate over whether or not she is in fact saying "kee" for the kitty or if the "kee" is supposed to be more of a "gee" because sometimes we say "get" to shoo the cats away if they are being naughty or if there are tons of cats around the yard that don't belong to us. She says dada but not always for DH, just sometimes randomly. We think she said mama (once on mother's day, DH swears she did, but she never did again). And this weekend when she stayed with my mom, she swore that she started to say "bye bye" even though she's not uttered it again.

At any rate, I know when she is communicating with me, I can totally read her verbal (cries, laughs, sighs) and non-verbals (shaking her head, pulling my arms to pick her up, rubbing her eyes, lifting up my shirt--oh yeah, today she tried that one in the optometrist office). But when she's ready to talk, we can't wait to listen.

And these happen to be a babe's favorite shoes at the moment.

Things would be so much easier if:

1. I was organized.
2. I could buy lots of organizational things from Ikea.
3. I lived in the city.
4. I had a part-time secure job teaching and writing.
5. DH had a job that was semi-good to him (not too good, because its fun to complain sometimes).
6. Our debts were paid off.
7. I could cook really yummy vegetarian and vegan meals.
8. I actually took time to exercise every day.
9. I did not spend money everytime I left the house.
10. I did not feel like I always have to leave said house.
11. I did not buy pre-cooked meals all the time.
12. I did not always change my mind a zillion times before returning to the orginal idea.
13. I didn't worry so much over everything.
14. I did not have to depend so much on others for help.
15. I did not read other mommy blogs and compare myself to other moms.*
16. I could go Island hopping like Tree (if it weren't for the fear of flying and boats, birds, random bugs, etc...)
17. It weren't so damn humid.
18. I quit procrastinating by making lists and trying to be pseudo-organized.


*Ironicaly, I don't ever compare Babe to other babies, I think that's because she is just awesome and I know it.

An evening con Babe

We got our babe this afternoon and didn't realize how much we'd missed her until we walked into my parents' house and saw her snuggled on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor. Since we've all been home this evening we played with Dora, ate mac -n-cheese, drank apple juice, and watched dad almost fry off his hand.

It has been storming kinda bad, we turned off the lights and were just sitting around in the family room. DH went to the kitchen sink and was trying to move a knife from the cutting board to the sink, which had water. He went and put the knife down and boom (well, there was no sign, just a flash of blue, when the knife touched the water and the lightening must have struck somewhere near the house....I don't know all the sciences on this but if anyone does..we'd like to know what happened. Thankfully, DH is okie.

An evening sans Babe

Babe is spending the night with her grandparents. I miss her horrible, so does DH. This is what we've done:

laundry,
paid bills,
discussed bills, money,
read blogs,
watched a movie,
dishes,
cleaning,
realized how boring we are without Babe. Is this what we were like before? My apologies to our friends and family. Babe makes us cool.

Lost Touch

Tonight, just now actually, I was trying to blog with a babe on my lap. This doesn't work so well anymore because now that babe is totally mobile she ends up typing on the keyboard or grabbing the mouse or getting out of my lap and trying to play with the cords for the laptop. So, I asked DH if he would take a babe and go pick out some pjs for bed so that I could finish my post. That's when DH said I'd lost touch. And so I stopped to think about this. Have I lost touch? And if so with what? Blogging is usually my way of winding down from the day and trying to get my thoughts together. I try to use this time to just think about what's been on my mind or what others are thinking about via their blogs. In some ways its kinda like 'talking' to others, though I rarely have time to post comments to others' blogs though I do read many. I do that because I do feel like I've lost touch in a lot of ways. After we had babe and I decided to quit working outside of the home there was a lot that I didn't realize I would miss, like conversations at lunch or reading a newspaper daily, or learning something new at work. Now, in no way would I want to trade those things for what I got in return: a soft babe, daily Elmo time, breast-feeding (my boobs actually grew!), and being able to say that I was there for the first...tooth, steps, word, turning over, etc.
But, as I told my cousin at lunch the other week, you also don't realize that when you become a mom, it is oh so very easy to loose yourself. Because those first few weeks, hell months, are so intense, you forget things like washing your hair on a regular basis, or the fact that you actually used to wear perfume and clothes that weren't just wash and ware (or ware and ware). You also forget that you liked books that were not made of cardboard and food that required more cooking and did not taste like cardboard. But as your babe grows and you find your rhythm as a parent you start to remember those things. I think I remember the first time I finished a book post-partum, or rather the first non-babe book I read. A part of me felt guilty, like all of my waking time and energy should be devoted only to reading and further my babe education. If I wasn't doing laundry or scrubbing the floor, or trying to go out shopping before her nap was over then I should be. But you soon learn that if you don't give yourself time to take a shower, or read a book, or eat a good lunch, you burn out quickly and you do loose touch with yourself and others. I canceled lunches, forgot to return phone calls, and tried to avoid folks because I felt like I should only be doing things related to babe. But I learned my lesson. You do have to remember who you were before the babe and while you are different in some ways, you need to honor and remember what made you YOU in the first place. So yes, I have lost touch, in many ways but I'm reaching out again.