I am struggling to remember something good today. Its hard. I've got back/side pain, books to read that I have 0 interest in, folks who I feel are slighting/ignoring me in the public sphere, and I really want to go home because its going to be like 66 there this weekend... and i just watched a couple pack up there car with suitcases and snacks....and lets just say i'm tempte to wake DH up and make him to the same....but i digress....
struggling to remember....we're cleaning up our spare bedroom/office/gym to try to make better use of the space. i decided it was time to clean the pencil sharper. i opened it and started dumping the shavings out into a trashbag. the smell took me back to elementary school. i remember loving to be the one who emptied the old mechanical pencil sharpeners...and looking back on it I think, i'm pretty sure, it was because of the smell. pencil shavings smell like fresh penicls, this mix of wood, and lead, and they make me feel productive. If your using your pencil a lot, you have to sharpen it, more work, more shavings.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
what came first?
As you can tell ye ole internet and any other readers whose attention I may have grabbed...
I'm having trouble with motivation. And it just dawned on me tonight that I don't know where this came from exactly, but I've got some ideas. Its lonely where I am, I've got DH and babe, but we don't really have anyone outside of ourselves here. I go to work. I come home. I do home things (which I enjoy the most). I follow our routine. I go back out and do it again. On the weekend, with the very limited monies and no real activities around us (not such a warm friendly space) we tend to stay in. This means I feel compelled to work and often babe and DH are just as frustrated as I am with this.
We are bored up here. I am having a hard time staying focused.
I am scared....
somewhat work related
i'm hoping that good research and projects can come out of being pissed off and uncomfortable. because thats how i'm feeling....and i'm trying to keep my eyes open because i suspet there might just be something to all this bs that i can learn from....and maybe use to teach others?
Reflection Friday and No Complaining Saturday
...so...because I missed my post yesterday and because i'm sick of hearing myself complain....you get a story....
saturday nights in my house when i was a kid were most often spent looking at showtime at the apollo from 1130-1230 and then whatever was left of saturday night live after that. i remember watching the apollo back when i was way young...and its a tradition that continued up through college (or at least until i had a curfew that allowed for me to be out until past midnight, which was when i got married, yes i know). but anyways....when i was little, my dad would be up watching apollo and frying his chicken..humming along to whatever the talent was trying to sing. as i got older, i'd watch and wonder what it was like to live in NY, a place that seemed to start all of the coolest trends, and styles. then once DH and I were dating, we'd sip koolaid in my folks kitchen and watch, because remember i had to be home by midnight.
saturday nights in my house when i was a kid were most often spent looking at showtime at the apollo from 1130-1230 and then whatever was left of saturday night live after that. i remember watching the apollo back when i was way young...and its a tradition that continued up through college (or at least until i had a curfew that allowed for me to be out until past midnight, which was when i got married, yes i know). but anyways....when i was little, my dad would be up watching apollo and frying his chicken..humming along to whatever the talent was trying to sing. as i got older, i'd watch and wonder what it was like to live in NY, a place that seemed to start all of the coolest trends, and styles. then once DH and I were dating, we'd sip koolaid in my folks kitchen and watch, because remember i had to be home by midnight.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
music for MOTevatION
was feelin it....
really feeling it...
was still feeling good with this one...
and still...though it was getting complicated...
really feeling it...
was still feeling good with this one...
and still...though it was getting complicated...
Ha-Uston...we got us a dem der problem
if someone tells me to do X but I dont know how and they say do X b/cs it'll get people to Y....
but Y is really far from X.....
then I got me a real frucked up equation...
but Y is really far from X.....
then I got me a real frucked up equation...
Saturday, January 26, 2008
no MOTOvation
i don't know why i felt the need to misspell the word motivation, but the fact is maybe i don't even know what it means anymore... because i have 0 in the motivation field. i've been going to class, teaching, doing the work, but just am not motivated...so do i really lack motivation or is this something else?
Things I know......
1. I miss things I know (stores, food, people, trees, houses, roads)
2. I'm not SUPER excited about my work right now...just feeling a bit of a lull about everything
3. I know I have a lot of work to get done and to get on track with my program, but I'm just not so sure how I see it all happening....I think I need some help in figuring out this maze
Things I don't know.....
1. What kind of major progect I want to think about
2. How to continue to exercise and eat well
3. How to think about having another babe...or when to think about it might be a better way of saying it
What do you do when your in cruise-control?
Things I know......
1. I miss things I know (stores, food, people, trees, houses, roads)
2. I'm not SUPER excited about my work right now...just feeling a bit of a lull about everything
3. I know I have a lot of work to get done and to get on track with my program, but I'm just not so sure how I see it all happening....I think I need some help in figuring out this maze
Things I don't know.....
1. What kind of major progect I want to think about
2. How to continue to exercise and eat well
3. How to think about having another babe...or when to think about it might be a better way of saying it
What do you do when your in cruise-control?
Friday, January 25, 2008
Reflection Fridays
Lots of blogs I read (even though I don't have a hellta long lists of a blogroll) have certain days where they focus on certain things. I'm going to try to make fridays reflection days...maybe some pics or music...just something to reflect on the purpose isnt to be sad or just recollect for the sake of recollectin', but to maybe learn a little bit, to re-collect memories and think about them for what they bring me now.
I'm thinking of this song....an oldie but goodie (aren't they all? or that's what we always say about our music....
I think what I like so much about this song is that he's not reflecting with a sadness or a lamenting, he does it to remember. So much of the reflecting done in my family is often done with a tinge of sadness now, because we remember and so many of the folks who are dominate figures in our memories aren't there anymore....its a struggle for me to remember or recollect or reflect without that sadness...but its something I'm trying to work on....
...Its weird that even some of our happy moments are now also paralleled with sad ones because of all that's happened in the past few years. Thinking about babe's birth, its almost inextricably tied to my gma's death, she passed just 6 weeks after babe was born. When my gma came to visit me in the hospital after a 16 hour labor, c-section with general anesthesia, and no food for 48 hours, she didn't say very much. She mainly just sat and looked at babe, made sure her pieces were there and then she left, maybe her visit was like 10 or 15 minutes long, but she was ailing and waiting for her own surgery (which wouldn't work). But I remember how she looked at babe, and more importantly how she watched DH and I caring for babe. I couldn't move much, so DH did the walking, and I did the nursing. She could see us work together as a team, she always said she knew DH and I were made for one another......
And then there was one of the last conversations I had with gma, probably about 3 weeks before she would pass, she told me how to bathe babe. Babe had a horrible diaper rash and I could not for the life of me figure out how to get rid of it. Gma suggested bathing her daily and making sure I took the plastic out of the baby tub, "just let her rest on a clean white towel."
And so my reflection today is that I'm just thinking back to when I didn't have sad things coupled with happy things, just like Ahmad says, "when all you had was a little homework." But I guess there is something to be be said about the bitter sweet...what it is I just don't know yet...
I'm thinking of this song....an oldie but goodie (aren't they all? or that's what we always say about our music....
I think what I like so much about this song is that he's not reflecting with a sadness or a lamenting, he does it to remember. So much of the reflecting done in my family is often done with a tinge of sadness now, because we remember and so many of the folks who are dominate figures in our memories aren't there anymore....its a struggle for me to remember or recollect or reflect without that sadness...but its something I'm trying to work on....
...Its weird that even some of our happy moments are now also paralleled with sad ones because of all that's happened in the past few years. Thinking about babe's birth, its almost inextricably tied to my gma's death, she passed just 6 weeks after babe was born. When my gma came to visit me in the hospital after a 16 hour labor, c-section with general anesthesia, and no food for 48 hours, she didn't say very much. She mainly just sat and looked at babe, made sure her pieces were there and then she left, maybe her visit was like 10 or 15 minutes long, but she was ailing and waiting for her own surgery (which wouldn't work). But I remember how she looked at babe, and more importantly how she watched DH and I caring for babe. I couldn't move much, so DH did the walking, and I did the nursing. She could see us work together as a team, she always said she knew DH and I were made for one another......
And then there was one of the last conversations I had with gma, probably about 3 weeks before she would pass, she told me how to bathe babe. Babe had a horrible diaper rash and I could not for the life of me figure out how to get rid of it. Gma suggested bathing her daily and making sure I took the plastic out of the baby tub, "just let her rest on a clean white towel."
And so my reflection today is that I'm just thinking back to when I didn't have sad things coupled with happy things, just like Ahmad says, "when all you had was a little homework." But I guess there is something to be be said about the bitter sweet...what it is I just don't know yet...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
babe conversation
babe is working on getting potty-trained.....
tonight in the tub here was our conversation:
babe looks at me, "diapers!" (pointing to my underware)
me, "yeah you can wear diapers, but big girls can wear underware!"
babe, "ummm." looks at me and squints her eyes.
me, "do you want to wear underware?"
babe, "on my head!"
that's what we get for so much tom-foolery in our house.
tonight in the tub here was our conversation:
babe looks at me, "diapers!" (pointing to my underware)
me, "yeah you can wear diapers, but big girls can wear underware!"
babe, "ummm." looks at me and squints her eyes.
me, "do you want to wear underware?"
babe, "on my head!"
that's what we get for so much tom-foolery in our house.
Monday, January 14, 2008
so take a look...
I have no idea, but tonight I was undressing from my work clothes and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And don't get me wrong, I don't pig out (well okie, I did eat chicken barbeque over the break 2 sandwhiches at a time, and chocolate cake, um, more than I'd like to admit) I like to think that when I eat, at least at school I make good chocies. Virtually no friend foods, no soda (minus exam week) and lots of fruits and crunchy-granola bars. Honestly.
But when I'm back home and among family, its totally different, sleeping unit noon, fried fish, mac n cheese with 3 or 4 rich cheeses, sodas out the loot pack, and no exercise.
So, in some ways being here is good for me to get onto a better schedule. I noticed some lumpy areas tonight that I'm not happy about. Must get that into check, I gained like 25 pounds with Babe and have NOT gone back to my pre-babe weight of 165. Not that I'm going to diet, because I don't do well with those. But the holidays have put a hurtin on me.
But when I'm back home and among family, its totally different, sleeping unit noon, fried fish, mac n cheese with 3 or 4 rich cheeses, sodas out the loot pack, and no exercise.
So, in some ways being here is good for me to get onto a better schedule. I noticed some lumpy areas tonight that I'm not happy about. Must get that into check, I gained like 25 pounds with Babe and have NOT gone back to my pre-babe weight of 165. Not that I'm going to diet, because I don't do well with those. But the holidays have put a hurtin on me.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
a new semester
I can't believe a new semester is here. I can't believe tomorrow is the first day of school. There is so much I feel like I learned (in the classroom duh, but outside as well):
-its okie to say No if something is going to take time away from my core responsibilities (family life, student work---in that order).
-organization is KEY
-write things down, all things
-it goes both ways with people from home calling and visiting
-don't put anything above my family
-eat
-exercise
-get out of the office and classroom as much as possible
-take good reading notes
-don't be afraid to ask questions
-um, starting your projects when you get them
-take breaks
Enjoy!
-its okie to say No if something is going to take time away from my core responsibilities (family life, student work---in that order).
-organization is KEY
-write things down, all things
-it goes both ways with people from home calling and visiting
-don't put anything above my family
-eat
-exercise
-get out of the office and classroom as much as possible
-take good reading notes
-don't be afraid to ask questions
-um, starting your projects when you get them
-take breaks
Enjoy!
The Babe says!
Babe calls me Mommmy now...when she wants something. Mama when its just normal everyday stuff.
How tender.
How tender.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
who needs 4?
Babe can count things now. Last night we counted pigs in her book
Babe: (slowly but certainly, moves her finger to each pic) 1...2...3...5! Yeah! Hahahahahahah
Mom and Dad: Yeah babe! Now, let's try again.
Babe: 1...2...3...5! hahahahah
*she counts the laughter from the Count on Seasame Street
Mom and Dad: What about 4 babe? Lets try it with 4. 1....2....3...4...5!
Babe laughs, grabs for her pig book and tries again.
Babe: 1...2...3......
*looks to us for fill in the blank
Mom and Dad: 4....
Babe: 5, hahahahaha
Babe: (slowly but certainly, moves her finger to each pic) 1...2...3...5! Yeah! Hahahahahahah
Mom and Dad: Yeah babe! Now, let's try again.
Babe: 1...2...3...5! hahahahah
*she counts the laughter from the Count on Seasame Street
Mom and Dad: What about 4 babe? Lets try it with 4. 1....2....3...4...5!
Babe laughs, grabs for her pig book and tries again.
Babe: 1...2...3......
*looks to us for fill in the blank
Mom and Dad: 4....
Babe: 5, hahahahaha
Friday, January 11, 2008
Call for backup
Babe did one of the cutest things tonight... she regularly will call for 'Da-deeeeee' at the end of her bath with me but apparently DH didnt hear her so my Babe looked at me, turned my head towards the door for me and said "Da-deeee.... call."
:)
:)
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Paper Houses
When I was in like 2nd or 3rd grade there were two little boys in my class who made paper houses. Not just itty bitty ones, but huge three or four story palaces of sorts. You would go to them and tell them what kind of house you wanted. The number of bedrooms, bathrooms, etc. Then you would have to wait patiently until the end of the day and pick up your masterpiece.
I have no idea how they did it, using only paper, tape, erasable ink pens, and glue stick.
I wish I still had one.
I have no idea how they did it, using only paper, tape, erasable ink pens, and glue stick.
I wish I still had one.
Friday, January 4, 2008
--> Things to Remember<--
-I function better in temperate temperatures (does that make sense?)
-When I've not been working and allowed to eat and sleep w/out a true schedule I start to feel really really off
-It is far better to plan ahead and do a little bit of work at a time, this way doing something like creating a syllabus or writing a seminar paper doesn't feel like it will make you pull your hair out...strand by strand
-While I'm lamenting about not having a schedule now...in about 3 weeks I will miss this warm schedule-less pace/place
-When I've not been working and allowed to eat and sleep w/out a true schedule I start to feel really really off
-It is far better to plan ahead and do a little bit of work at a time, this way doing something like creating a syllabus or writing a seminar paper doesn't feel like it will make you pull your hair out...strand by strand
-While I'm lamenting about not having a schedule now...in about 3 weeks I will miss this warm schedule-less pace/place
Thursday, January 3, 2008
talking
babe has been talking for quite some time now, but during the past few weeks we actually have conversations. they'll go something like this:
me: do you want to watch seasame street?
babe: alright, okie.
me: who do you want to see?
babe: cookie.
me: okie (fumble to fastforward to cookie monster).
babe: oh no, elmo.
me: elmo?
babe:alright, okie. elmo!
me: let's find him (move to another youtube clip or dvd)
babe: elmo potty
me: you want to watch the potty special?
babe: alright, okie.
me: what about cookie?
babe: no.
me: here we go (showing clip of elmo and his dad on the potty special)
babe:oh no, dabby (which translates to abby kadabby)
me: you want to see dabby?
babe: zoe!
me: you want to see dabby and zoe?
babe: alright, okie.
and such is my conversation con babe
me: do you want to watch seasame street?
babe: alright, okie.
me: who do you want to see?
babe: cookie.
me: okie (fumble to fastforward to cookie monster).
babe: oh no, elmo.
me: elmo?
babe:alright, okie. elmo!
me: let's find him (move to another youtube clip or dvd)
babe: elmo potty
me: you want to watch the potty special?
babe: alright, okie.
me: what about cookie?
babe: no.
me: here we go (showing clip of elmo and his dad on the potty special)
babe:oh no, dabby (which translates to abby kadabby)
me: you want to see dabby?
babe: zoe!
me: you want to see dabby and zoe?
babe: alright, okie.
and such is my conversation con babe
Monday, December 31, 2007
be-o-nicks
How fitting that today...on the last day of the year...as we look upon a new fresh year....okie enough with the dramatics...I'll make it plain:
my baby can say her name!
my baby can say her name!
december
I hadn't posted anything this month and now the month is over. There has been so much going on:
-finished my first semester
-learned what it really does to your family when you procrastinate...or just underestimate using your time
-learned the importance of good times with family
-started thinking seriously about future projects
-attended mucho holiday parties
-babe's vocab now includes words outside of standard english and words she's created (in particular I adore the way she says washclothe....it comes out as 'croshclothe' or sometimes 'crawcraw')
she can now put words together and create senetences...such as 'ready..daddy' or make choices between food and drink 'pot pies vs. mac n cheese, milk vs. apple juice'
with the new year i dont really have any resolutions....i would like to work out more, drink sodas less, and post a bit more because i've not been keeping any typoe of journal on a regular basis....but we'll see what happens....i once thought that have the intention was all that matter....i think that was a mistake.....
-finished my first semester
-learned what it really does to your family when you procrastinate...or just underestimate using your time
-learned the importance of good times with family
-started thinking seriously about future projects
-attended mucho holiday parties
-babe's vocab now includes words outside of standard english and words she's created (in particular I adore the way she says washclothe....it comes out as 'croshclothe' or sometimes 'crawcraw')
she can now put words together and create senetences...such as 'ready..daddy' or make choices between food and drink 'pot pies vs. mac n cheese, milk vs. apple juice'
with the new year i dont really have any resolutions....i would like to work out more, drink sodas less, and post a bit more because i've not been keeping any typoe of journal on a regular basis....but we'll see what happens....i once thought that have the intention was all that matter....i think that was a mistake.....
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