be-o-nicks

How fitting that today...on the last day of the year...as we look upon a new fresh year....okie enough with the dramatics...I'll make it plain:

my baby can say her name!

december

I hadn't posted anything this month and now the month is over. There has been so much going on:

-finished my first semester
-learned what it really does to your family when you procrastinate...or just underestimate using your time
-learned the importance of good times with family
-started thinking seriously about future projects
-attended mucho holiday parties
-babe's vocab now includes words outside of standard english and words she's created (in particular I adore the way she says washclothe....it comes out as 'croshclothe' or sometimes 'crawcraw')
she can now put words together and create senetences...such as 'ready..daddy' or make choices between food and drink 'pot pies vs. mac n cheese, milk vs. apple juice'

with the new year i dont really have any resolutions....i would like to work out more, drink sodas less, and post a bit more because i've not been keeping any typoe of journal on a regular basis....but we'll see what happens....i once thought that have the intention was all that matter....i think that was a mistake.....

homesick II

got back home today. and it felt good, until it started to feel bad. just seeing places and things that haven't changed, can be good. very good.
but memories crash back, primarily ones that surround my granny. and the way things used to be. and then i get panicked, get sad, get angry, get fidgty all at once. its almost a physical reaction to my surroundings. its easier when i'm not here, because i don't have to think about. don't have to see her car, the places she went, the house. the holidays. but yet i yearn to come back to see my family, i guess its kind of bittersweet.

homesick

So. Not much is new. I'm tired. Every day it seems like the work just piles on more and there is no reprieve.

Tomorrow I have the following to do:
4 hours worth of teaching
A draft of a project proposal to prepare
Read a book
Go to Class

Thursday
More teaching
Lots more teaching
A proposal due.
Writing/drafting for the project I've got to do
Pack and clean for the upcoming holiday travel
Come up with a *feasible* plan of work I can accomplish over the break without making myself crazy

But tonight I'm just tired and I'm feeling down. Classes got me down, teaching got me down, being down got me down. I'm looking and knowing the semester is almost over but that is not helping me to feel better at all.

I'm hoping that being at home, amongst family-folk and good food and weather and shangs will help me. I might have to pull some all-nighters, but there's something about being in the comfort of home that doesn't make it as bad or as scary.....I hope.

just tryin to get through

so i keep having these random moments of terror, like i really get caught up in the stress of all the stuff i have to do. then it passes when i realize i only have like 4 more weeks and the semester is over.

my song for the day comes from Mos Def...its what I sing to my papers....
comes from Mos Def's The Panties from The New Danger

just want you to
Relax
Ease into it

Baby slow down, just take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay
Baby don't rush this, take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay
I got so much that I want to do
I just want to be close to you
Okay
I got so much that I want to do
But I can show you better than I can say

Don't wanna be no where but here
No where in this atmosphere
Stratosphere, ionosphere
Ain't no sphere that's bright like here
Don't wanna be no where but here
No where in this atmosphere
I'm good where I am

Baby slow down, take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay, hey
I got so much that I want to do
But I can show you better than I can say

Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
I wanna show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show

Oh baby, you make me feel so good
Come let me take you by the hand
Oh baby, you make me feel so good
Let me show you how
Let me show you how
Let me show you now
Let me show it out
Let me show you how
I wanna show ya how
Let me show ya
Let me show ya
Let me show ya
Let me show ya
Move ya shoulders
Ohh

Baby slow down just take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay, hey
I got so much that I want to do
But I can show you better than I can say

Enough talk and let's move
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, come on, come on

i know, a sista got that seductive thing going for her papers...i'm an academic and a romantic.

New word bank for the babe

yogurt, please, bannana, bread, Zoe, Telly, Oscar (pronounced Ocar), Erine (now pronounced with two syllabus Er-nee), wipes, washclothe, bath, foot, shoe, toes, nose, pant, shirt, sock, all Seasame Characters, paper, pen, cra for crayon.

Today is the babe's 18 month b-day. I'm pround to report that her vocabulary is expanding, along with her belly because thankfuly she's much better now and the tummy bug has passed. She is also very interested in notebooks and pens and pencils and anything to write with.

a report

i have completed the following, how successful I am...i do not know:

emailed a doc to a teacher
cooked pancakes and ate breakfast
took a shower and got dressed
got the babe dressed and fed
babe is taking a nap
did some more research
blogged twice
talked to my bro
sent texts to my cousins
will now go outside and breathe some fresh air

and its only 4:00!!!!! sweet.

a summary

so, the babe was sick most of the week but the stomach bug has finally (i hope) subsideed). then DH got it, pretty bad, so we called in for reinforcements and the MIL came up. its been a great help. haven't had to worry about getting the babe up extra early in the mornging for me to go to work. very thankful for that.
got lots done yesterday, but not in any sense that i've actually completed anything, more in the sense that now i can begin to complete some things.
can't believe that its november all ready. that shocks me but i'm not going to complain about it. for some reason ive been feeling very emotional here lateley-i dont know if its the stress, or the lack of sleep, or the fact that now that i'm in some sort of routine, i can finally let myself go and feel some of the feelings i've been keeping cooped up inside.
but...for now, i'm feeling okie, got a doc that needs some serious revision so that i can be mailed, got some errands to run, so i gotta go head and get that ish done now.
but i am gonna do it with some rhythme

just one of those days

i am having one of those days where i don't see the point in much of anything. my work feels big. my apartment feels small and dirty. i want a hot plate of good home cooked food. some clean lounging clothes and a good movie on the TV. i want my babe to be feeling better and snuggled on the sofa with me, or playing with her toys. i miss the south. i miss the yard, the trees, yelling at the cats about getting into things, checking my mailbox.

i've come to the discovery that so much of what i had made out to be *such* a big deal is not. but now i've got to push through witht the choices i've made and hope thigns will get better.

missing her. II

there's not a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about my granny in some way. and some days i miss her just horribly, and all the hard memories of her sickness, the last few weeks she was on earth, all of it comes crashing into my head. but then i have days like yesterday.

i'd been looking in the mirror and was getting really exasperated with the fact that i have random gray hairs around my hairline in the front. they aren't long and mixing in with my other hair, but just kinda short and kinky and tight and sitting straight up, to torment me i'm sure of this. so i tried to comb them down, tried to do bangs, whatever. they just continued to fight their way to the top.

so i though of my granny and how she never let her hair go gray because it didn't do it in a 'dignified way' it just looked 'dirty' (her words not mine). and i remember that she would sometimes take some kinda brush with dye or an eyebrow pencil and color in the gray.

i bought mascara. and lets just say i've thickened the gray away and they are right, it doesn't clump or lump.
just gotta hope it is waterproof because i do sweat.

reflection

last night was pretty rough. this has just been a difficult week, so much so that i've wanted to go home several times. really go home, like pack everything and head south..for the winter. and spring. and summer..and..

i think a part of the problem has been that everything is due in the next few weeks: presentations, proposals, reading lists, on top of the teaching i have to do, on top of my family responsibilities that come first (and that are even more difficult when a babe isn't feeling well). so there are all of these layers. today i tried to get things accomplished, but its been hard and somehow i just don't feel like its quite enough, but thats a feeling i've been having for quite some time.

i've made a list and have five things that *must* get done by monday. i'm working on very little sleep right now because i've been trying to get up early and work as well, so i think i'm gonna finish my reading and try to go to bed. i'm not going to accomplish anything as tired as i feel now.

i miss the sun.

i am feeling stressed

and as a result of that irrational.

the babe hasn't been feeling well. i've got a numb spot under my right boob, on my rib cage. i have more work to do than i'd ever imagined was possible. i still have like 3 weekends before i can go home. my dear hubby is popping blackheads on my back. i've been drinking more soda than one woman should. i was on a roll with eating 3 or more good meals a day but now its like one big one and it includes lots of chips and soda. i sometimes feel like i barely have time to sleep, or when i'm sleeping i feel like should be working.

i dont know what to do.

MICHEAL JACSON SAID IT BEST....
Another day has gone
Im still all alone
How could this be

and to add on to that Mary J says...
Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

and then brother mos says why its been so hard for me to even bring myself to write here lately....
I don't wanna write this down, (world... premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now (world... premiere)
I don't wanna take no time to write this down, (world... premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now, hey (world... premiere)

and then he says.....

I ain't no perfect man
I'm trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have
I ain't no perfect man
I'm trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have

and I say...i ain't right.i'm tired. i'm fussy.
i miss homestuff.
i miss me.

why do i have such a hard time welcoming the new and getting rid of the old....

not motivated

everything feels either too big or too boring.

i got most of my work done for a handout, though i'm not even sure if i've done it the right way or if its decent.
i put laundry away.
i cleaned the bathroom and the sofa, believe me they were both in dire need.

now i'm going to play with a babe because she is awesome.

list

We are 8 weeks in to the semester, the midpoint mark and for me that can be dangerous. Because I've not got any real pressing deadlines, pretty much most of my stuff is due at the end of the semester, that means I've got to get myself on some type of plan to get things done before then, because that waiting until the last minute to do a project ain't cutting it no more, 'specially not in these parts.

So, for today I've got a small list, I've found that breaking things up helps a lot more than just long daunting lists that I can't possibly accomplish w/ a babe:

-laundry washed, folded, put away.
-lay out outfits for next week.
-prep handout for class.
-finish models for DH to design.
-post notes for for two reading assignments.
-email a professor about a project.
-notes for project folders.

If I can get through those things...I'll feel very accomplished.

babe took a pooh

in the potty today. funny thing is, i don't even know if she was aware of what she'd done. she wasn't nearly as excited by it as we were.

potty training here we come!

school

is hard. a babe is fun. i have many projects. i want to go home and drink sweet tea and eat fries.

more later.

use your voice

Bro Mos says if you ain't gonna use your voice then you need to shut up


http://videovault.morrisvideos.com/videos/mos-def-blasts-mtv-and-rap-artists

say my name...say my name

last night I'd had a really hard time. Monday's are my long days, I'm practically on campus and working for 12+ hours. so last night, dead tired and just wanting to sleep, i climbed in the bed with babe. we read our customary books and then i hoped she'd nurse and drop off, she didn't. instead she started talking, much of it her normal gibber-gabber but then she said mama! she said mama and hugged me and i felt so good. the best i've felt in such a long time.

in one of my classes we just read a theorists who said that (and i'm doing a horrible job of paraphrasing here,) but basically that babies when they first talk, speak in sentences not just words. because within that one word there is so much other 'stuff' or language going on, but because they only have one word-they have such impact. that one word last night was all i needed.

performance

~~in one of my classes we discuss the performance of language. but it just really got me to thinking about the many performances that make up my day, both in the literal sense and this language sense. at home i perform as mother and it comes quite naturally. when i'm with babe and even when i'm not around her, i still perform as her mother. her care and well being is always in my mind. when i'm at school i perform a diverse array of roles, i'm a teacher, a student, and i guess you'd say a scholar-in-training. those roles are a bit harder for me because its been a while sense i've had to act in this manner and i've got to admit that some of this doesn't come so easy. its like i totally thought i'd trained or been in training to be a student and scholar but i was wrong.

its hard to believe that i'm like 6 weeks into the semester already. i'm starting to work on semester projects and getting approval for others. i find that if i don't think about the 'big' picture and just work on performing my small tasks things are much more manageable...for now.

another word

dirty. she said my shoes were dirty.