babe conversation

babe is working on getting potty-trained.....

tonight in the tub here was our conversation:

babe looks at me, "diapers!" (pointing to my underware)

me, "yeah you can wear diapers, but big girls can wear underware!"

babe, "ummm." looks at me and squints her eyes.

me, "do you want to wear underware?"

babe, "on my head!"

that's what we get for so much tom-foolery in our house.

so take a look...

I have no idea, but tonight I was undressing from my work clothes and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And don't get me wrong, I don't pig out (well okie, I did eat chicken barbeque over the break 2 sandwhiches at a time, and chocolate cake, um, more than I'd like to admit) I like to think that when I eat, at least at school I make good chocies. Virtually no friend foods, no soda (minus exam week) and lots of fruits and crunchy-granola bars. Honestly.

But when I'm back home and among family, its totally different, sleeping unit noon, fried fish, mac n cheese with 3 or 4 rich cheeses, sodas out the loot pack, and no exercise.

So, in some ways being here is good for me to get onto a better schedule. I noticed some lumpy areas tonight that I'm not happy about. Must get that into check, I gained like 25 pounds with Babe and have NOT gone back to my pre-babe weight of 165. Not that I'm going to diet, because I don't do well with those. But the holidays have put a hurtin on me.

a new semester

I can't believe a new semester is here. I can't believe tomorrow is the first day of school. There is so much I feel like I learned (in the classroom duh, but outside as well):

-its okie to say No if something is going to take time away from my core responsibilities (family life, student work---in that order).
-organization is KEY
-write things down, all things
-it goes both ways with people from home calling and visiting
-don't put anything above my family
-eat
-exercise
-get out of the office and classroom as much as possible
-take good reading notes
-don't be afraid to ask questions
-um, starting your projects when you get them
-take breaks

Enjoy!

The Babe says!

Babe calls me Mommmy now...when she wants something. Mama when its just normal everyday stuff.

How tender.

who needs 4?

Babe can count things now. Last night we counted pigs in her book

Babe: (slowly but certainly, moves her finger to each pic) 1...2...3...5! Yeah! Hahahahahahah

Mom and Dad: Yeah babe! Now, let's try again.

Babe: 1...2...3...5! hahahahah

*she counts the laughter from the Count on Seasame Street

Mom and Dad: What about 4 babe? Lets try it with 4. 1....2....3...4...5!

Babe laughs, grabs for her pig book and tries again.

Babe: 1...2...3......
*looks to us for fill in the blank

Mom and Dad: 4....

Babe: 5, hahahahaha

Call for backup

Babe did one of the cutest things tonight... she regularly will call for 'Da-deeeeee' at the end of her bath with me but apparently DH didnt hear her so my Babe looked at me, turned my head towards the door for me and said "Da-deeee.... call."

:)

Paper Houses

When I was in like 2nd or 3rd grade there were two little boys in my class who made paper houses. Not just itty bitty ones, but huge three or four story palaces of sorts. You would go to them and tell them what kind of house you wanted. The number of bedrooms, bathrooms, etc. Then you would have to wait patiently until the end of the day and pick up your masterpiece.

I have no idea how they did it, using only paper, tape, erasable ink pens, and glue stick.

I wish I still had one.

--> Things to Remember<--

-I function better in temperate temperatures (does that make sense?)

-When I've not been working and allowed to eat and sleep w/out a true schedule I start to feel really really off

-It is far better to plan ahead and do a little bit of work at a time, this way doing something like creating a syllabus or writing a seminar paper doesn't feel like it will make you pull your hair out...strand by strand

-While I'm lamenting about not having a schedule now...in about 3 weeks I will miss this warm schedule-less pace/place

talking

babe has been talking for quite some time now, but during the past few weeks we actually have conversations. they'll go something like this:

me: do you want to watch seasame street?
babe: alright, okie.
me: who do you want to see?
babe: cookie.
me: okie (fumble to fastforward to cookie monster).
babe: oh no, elmo.
me: elmo?
babe:alright, okie. elmo!
me: let's find him (move to another youtube clip or dvd)
babe: elmo potty
me: you want to watch the potty special?
babe: alright, okie.
me: what about cookie?
babe: no.
me: here we go (showing clip of elmo and his dad on the potty special)
babe:oh no, dabby (which translates to abby kadabby)
me: you want to see dabby?
babe: zoe!
me: you want to see dabby and zoe?
babe: alright, okie.

and such is my conversation con babe

be-o-nicks

How fitting that today...on the last day of the year...as we look upon a new fresh year....okie enough with the dramatics...I'll make it plain:

my baby can say her name!

december

I hadn't posted anything this month and now the month is over. There has been so much going on:

-finished my first semester
-learned what it really does to your family when you procrastinate...or just underestimate using your time
-learned the importance of good times with family
-started thinking seriously about future projects
-attended mucho holiday parties
-babe's vocab now includes words outside of standard english and words she's created (in particular I adore the way she says washclothe....it comes out as 'croshclothe' or sometimes 'crawcraw')
she can now put words together and create senetences...such as 'ready..daddy' or make choices between food and drink 'pot pies vs. mac n cheese, milk vs. apple juice'

with the new year i dont really have any resolutions....i would like to work out more, drink sodas less, and post a bit more because i've not been keeping any typoe of journal on a regular basis....but we'll see what happens....i once thought that have the intention was all that matter....i think that was a mistake.....

homesick II

got back home today. and it felt good, until it started to feel bad. just seeing places and things that haven't changed, can be good. very good.
but memories crash back, primarily ones that surround my granny. and the way things used to be. and then i get panicked, get sad, get angry, get fidgty all at once. its almost a physical reaction to my surroundings. its easier when i'm not here, because i don't have to think about. don't have to see her car, the places she went, the house. the holidays. but yet i yearn to come back to see my family, i guess its kind of bittersweet.

homesick

So. Not much is new. I'm tired. Every day it seems like the work just piles on more and there is no reprieve.

Tomorrow I have the following to do:
4 hours worth of teaching
A draft of a project proposal to prepare
Read a book
Go to Class

Thursday
More teaching
Lots more teaching
A proposal due.
Writing/drafting for the project I've got to do
Pack and clean for the upcoming holiday travel
Come up with a *feasible* plan of work I can accomplish over the break without making myself crazy

But tonight I'm just tired and I'm feeling down. Classes got me down, teaching got me down, being down got me down. I'm looking and knowing the semester is almost over but that is not helping me to feel better at all.

I'm hoping that being at home, amongst family-folk and good food and weather and shangs will help me. I might have to pull some all-nighters, but there's something about being in the comfort of home that doesn't make it as bad or as scary.....I hope.

just tryin to get through

so i keep having these random moments of terror, like i really get caught up in the stress of all the stuff i have to do. then it passes when i realize i only have like 4 more weeks and the semester is over.

my song for the day comes from Mos Def...its what I sing to my papers....
comes from Mos Def's The Panties from The New Danger

just want you to
Relax
Ease into it

Baby slow down, just take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay
Baby don't rush this, take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay
I got so much that I want to do
I just want to be close to you
Okay
I got so much that I want to do
But I can show you better than I can say

Don't wanna be no where but here
No where in this atmosphere
Stratosphere, ionosphere
Ain't no sphere that's bright like here
Don't wanna be no where but here
No where in this atmosphere
I'm good where I am

Baby slow down, take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay, hey
I got so much that I want to do
But I can show you better than I can say

Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
I wanna show you
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show

Oh baby, you make me feel so good
Come let me take you by the hand
Oh baby, you make me feel so good
Let me show you how
Let me show you how
Let me show you now
Let me show it out
Let me show you how
I wanna show ya how
Let me show ya
Let me show ya
Let me show ya
Let me show ya
Move ya shoulders
Ohh

Baby slow down just take your time
You and me goin' be here for a while
Okay, hey
I got so much that I want to do
But I can show you better than I can say

Enough talk and let's move
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, come on, come on

i know, a sista got that seductive thing going for her papers...i'm an academic and a romantic.

New word bank for the babe

yogurt, please, bannana, bread, Zoe, Telly, Oscar (pronounced Ocar), Erine (now pronounced with two syllabus Er-nee), wipes, washclothe, bath, foot, shoe, toes, nose, pant, shirt, sock, all Seasame Characters, paper, pen, cra for crayon.

Today is the babe's 18 month b-day. I'm pround to report that her vocabulary is expanding, along with her belly because thankfuly she's much better now and the tummy bug has passed. She is also very interested in notebooks and pens and pencils and anything to write with.

a report

i have completed the following, how successful I am...i do not know:

emailed a doc to a teacher
cooked pancakes and ate breakfast
took a shower and got dressed
got the babe dressed and fed
babe is taking a nap
did some more research
blogged twice
talked to my bro
sent texts to my cousins
will now go outside and breathe some fresh air

and its only 4:00!!!!! sweet.

a summary

so, the babe was sick most of the week but the stomach bug has finally (i hope) subsideed). then DH got it, pretty bad, so we called in for reinforcements and the MIL came up. its been a great help. haven't had to worry about getting the babe up extra early in the mornging for me to go to work. very thankful for that.
got lots done yesterday, but not in any sense that i've actually completed anything, more in the sense that now i can begin to complete some things.
can't believe that its november all ready. that shocks me but i'm not going to complain about it. for some reason ive been feeling very emotional here lateley-i dont know if its the stress, or the lack of sleep, or the fact that now that i'm in some sort of routine, i can finally let myself go and feel some of the feelings i've been keeping cooped up inside.
but...for now, i'm feeling okie, got a doc that needs some serious revision so that i can be mailed, got some errands to run, so i gotta go head and get that ish done now.
but i am gonna do it with some rhythme

just one of those days

i am having one of those days where i don't see the point in much of anything. my work feels big. my apartment feels small and dirty. i want a hot plate of good home cooked food. some clean lounging clothes and a good movie on the TV. i want my babe to be feeling better and snuggled on the sofa with me, or playing with her toys. i miss the south. i miss the yard, the trees, yelling at the cats about getting into things, checking my mailbox.

i've come to the discovery that so much of what i had made out to be *such* a big deal is not. but now i've got to push through witht the choices i've made and hope thigns will get better.

missing her. II

there's not a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about my granny in some way. and some days i miss her just horribly, and all the hard memories of her sickness, the last few weeks she was on earth, all of it comes crashing into my head. but then i have days like yesterday.

i'd been looking in the mirror and was getting really exasperated with the fact that i have random gray hairs around my hairline in the front. they aren't long and mixing in with my other hair, but just kinda short and kinky and tight and sitting straight up, to torment me i'm sure of this. so i tried to comb them down, tried to do bangs, whatever. they just continued to fight their way to the top.

so i though of my granny and how she never let her hair go gray because it didn't do it in a 'dignified way' it just looked 'dirty' (her words not mine). and i remember that she would sometimes take some kinda brush with dye or an eyebrow pencil and color in the gray.

i bought mascara. and lets just say i've thickened the gray away and they are right, it doesn't clump or lump.
just gotta hope it is waterproof because i do sweat.

reflection

last night was pretty rough. this has just been a difficult week, so much so that i've wanted to go home several times. really go home, like pack everything and head south..for the winter. and spring. and summer..and..

i think a part of the problem has been that everything is due in the next few weeks: presentations, proposals, reading lists, on top of the teaching i have to do, on top of my family responsibilities that come first (and that are even more difficult when a babe isn't feeling well). so there are all of these layers. today i tried to get things accomplished, but its been hard and somehow i just don't feel like its quite enough, but thats a feeling i've been having for quite some time.

i've made a list and have five things that *must* get done by monday. i'm working on very little sleep right now because i've been trying to get up early and work as well, so i think i'm gonna finish my reading and try to go to bed. i'm not going to accomplish anything as tired as i feel now.

i miss the sun.

i am feeling stressed

and as a result of that irrational.

the babe hasn't been feeling well. i've got a numb spot under my right boob, on my rib cage. i have more work to do than i'd ever imagined was possible. i still have like 3 weekends before i can go home. my dear hubby is popping blackheads on my back. i've been drinking more soda than one woman should. i was on a roll with eating 3 or more good meals a day but now its like one big one and it includes lots of chips and soda. i sometimes feel like i barely have time to sleep, or when i'm sleeping i feel like should be working.

i dont know what to do.

MICHEAL JACSON SAID IT BEST....
Another day has gone
Im still all alone
How could this be

and to add on to that Mary J says...
Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

and then brother mos says why its been so hard for me to even bring myself to write here lately....
I don't wanna write this down, (world... premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now (world... premiere)
I don't wanna take no time to write this down, (world... premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now, hey (world... premiere)

and then he says.....

I ain't no perfect man
I'm trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have
I ain't no perfect man
I'm trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have

and I say...i ain't right.i'm tired. i'm fussy.
i miss homestuff.
i miss me.

why do i have such a hard time welcoming the new and getting rid of the old....

not motivated

everything feels either too big or too boring.

i got most of my work done for a handout, though i'm not even sure if i've done it the right way or if its decent.
i put laundry away.
i cleaned the bathroom and the sofa, believe me they were both in dire need.

now i'm going to play with a babe because she is awesome.

list

We are 8 weeks in to the semester, the midpoint mark and for me that can be dangerous. Because I've not got any real pressing deadlines, pretty much most of my stuff is due at the end of the semester, that means I've got to get myself on some type of plan to get things done before then, because that waiting until the last minute to do a project ain't cutting it no more, 'specially not in these parts.

So, for today I've got a small list, I've found that breaking things up helps a lot more than just long daunting lists that I can't possibly accomplish w/ a babe:

-laundry washed, folded, put away.
-lay out outfits for next week.
-prep handout for class.
-finish models for DH to design.
-post notes for for two reading assignments.
-email a professor about a project.
-notes for project folders.

If I can get through those things...I'll feel very accomplished.

babe took a pooh

in the potty today. funny thing is, i don't even know if she was aware of what she'd done. she wasn't nearly as excited by it as we were.

potty training here we come!

school

is hard. a babe is fun. i have many projects. i want to go home and drink sweet tea and eat fries.

more later.

use your voice

Bro Mos says if you ain't gonna use your voice then you need to shut up


http://videovault.morrisvideos.com/videos/mos-def-blasts-mtv-and-rap-artists

say my name...say my name

last night I'd had a really hard time. Monday's are my long days, I'm practically on campus and working for 12+ hours. so last night, dead tired and just wanting to sleep, i climbed in the bed with babe. we read our customary books and then i hoped she'd nurse and drop off, she didn't. instead she started talking, much of it her normal gibber-gabber but then she said mama! she said mama and hugged me and i felt so good. the best i've felt in such a long time.

in one of my classes we just read a theorists who said that (and i'm doing a horrible job of paraphrasing here,) but basically that babies when they first talk, speak in sentences not just words. because within that one word there is so much other 'stuff' or language going on, but because they only have one word-they have such impact. that one word last night was all i needed.

performance

~~in one of my classes we discuss the performance of language. but it just really got me to thinking about the many performances that make up my day, both in the literal sense and this language sense. at home i perform as mother and it comes quite naturally. when i'm with babe and even when i'm not around her, i still perform as her mother. her care and well being is always in my mind. when i'm at school i perform a diverse array of roles, i'm a teacher, a student, and i guess you'd say a scholar-in-training. those roles are a bit harder for me because its been a while sense i've had to act in this manner and i've got to admit that some of this doesn't come so easy. its like i totally thought i'd trained or been in training to be a student and scholar but i was wrong.

its hard to believe that i'm like 6 weeks into the semester already. i'm starting to work on semester projects and getting approval for others. i find that if i don't think about the 'big' picture and just work on performing my small tasks things are much more manageable...for now.

another word

dirty. she said my shoes were dirty.

my dirty little secret

In order to get through some of the readings for my classes, I drink lots of Pepsi and eat m & ms.

more words tonight

moon, and apple

update on the vocab

this just in....a babe has added the following to her repertoire:

apple, Oscar, spoon, shoe,

it just doesn't stop. she's spitting words like my man mos spits rhymes.

Babe word count

It just occurred to me that I've been spending all of this time in school studying language (how we acquire it, what it is, how we teach it, blah blah blah) but I've not posted an updated account of the words my Babe now has!
It seemed like something just turned on in her little head and she's been just talking. We now have the following in our babe vocabulary box:

Babe, Me, Cookie, Big Bird, Grover, Elmo, Ernie, book, juice, ABCD, No

But she also now really has the ability to make conversation with you and to follow play. We might be sitting on the floor with her toy giraffe and I'll say, "Let's see, do you think he'd like a snack?" And she'll go and start pulling out different shapes of block and line them up on her plate. Amazing.

Just watching her play is also the most coolest funniest thing in the world (yes, I am going to get a PhD and I use those words

;-P

Now I know why so many language theorist studied their kids and wrote.....see, having a babe or toddler can be very beneficial to your academic career.

Not much better

Today sucked ass. I'm starting to get sick and now I'm fearing that if I do I'll fall behind in the work that I've got to get done. I was thinking that I was a bit ahead..or that I might be able to work ahead this weekend, but my throat is on ugh mode.

Everything is hard. I'm just in a major complaining mode. And there's not much reason to be this way unless I'm going to learn or do something about it.

Right now..I'm gonna go to bed.

This is what I need

Tonight I need the following:

for babe's cold to go away.
a big plate of greens and a veggie burger with sauteed onions, or a portabella mushroom burger.
a cold glass of sweet tea.
to feel confident about what i'm doing.
to have mos def and ole school marj j playing in the background.
to have a hot shower and my hair on point.
my skin well greased, not so i shine, but so i'm shinin'.
my bro and mom around.
dad in the background yelling with a cig.
the tv showing repeats of the brady bunch.

This is what I have:
a babe with a runny nose.
a bowl of nachos.
lukewarm gingerale.
anger about my power(less)ness.
wrestling moves being called from the tv.
a bath with my hair on E
pimples from stress, strech marks, and no good lotion.
no mom. no bro.
no background dad speak.
no tv.

I miss home. i miss the familiar. i miss my old routine.
i'm sad.

inhale....exhale...

My disappearance from the blogosphere has not been intentional. As the family has moved from the ye ole south to the ye ole north for me to become a student again, we've had quite the experience. Some things I will come back to and talk about, others I won't. Not out of fear but just because I plain ole don't want to bring back yucky vibes and feelings.

Let us just say that for now we are still working on settling in. Its amazing the things you take for granted...like knowing where the music store is (and what time it closes), having a good mall, knowing where to get your groceries, knowing where the bank is, where to find cheap gas, and just overall having a place that you feel like you can call home. I'm really big on space. Maybe its because I've always had issues with space, like I never really felt at 'home' when I was at home, only when I was at my granny's house, and then when DH and I first got married and had our first apartment, that felt like home. If you peruse back through some of my posts, I also took issue with the 'home' that we built/reconstructed in the country. I had issues with being able to claim that space.

Well...that's a different story for a different day. But, we are settling into our space and trying to claim it as our own. Babe already has, every room is hers, filled with books, toys, clothes, and her new favorite things: shoes. We went shoe shopping last night with my mom (oh yeah, we came back to the south for a visit this weekend..I know...I should be back reading...but everyone needs to step away...) but anyways..we went to get shoes, her feet seem to outgrow shoes/socks about every three months. She tried to take every shoe off the shelf and hold it up to her foot. Thankfully, the people in the shoe store were really nice, it probably helped that my mom, aunt, and I were busy trying to put everything back the minute Babe would jerk it down.

Babe truly has a personality of her own. She is very bossy and sassy and I use those adjectives in the best of all possibly ways. She commands attention and knows how to express herself very well. Her vocab consists of: Papa, Dada, milly moo (milk), Big Bird, Cookie, Hi, and Bye. Its like one day something just turned on and she all of a sudden was just talking.

Like right now, the babe is calling she wants to read her Big Bird book, again. But its the best thing.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." - Kevin Arnold

Not Real.

The move to new city from ye old lonely road has been like climbing a mountain with flip flops on. Quite literally.

I knew that there would be obstacles, but had no idea what I'd face. I think that should serve as a reminder as to why its so important to *not* worry. When we worry over things that haven't happened yet, its just like wasted energy. I would have never guessed that any of what has happened would happen and the things that I've worried about have not materialized. I have however learned that I am much stronger than I thought. I've also learned that quite often I make more to do over people than is necessary*more on this later.

But for right now, I'm still climbing up with the flip flops. Hopefully I'll get new shoes tomorrow.

a Burning Bush

Driving home tonight I saw a burning bush, quite literally. Shrubs that framed an office parking lot were ablaze. The flames must have reached at least 10 feet in the air. This was all very apropos considering the day I had:

Woke up with a very happy babe, who then begin throwing up not 10 minutes after she'd gotten out of bed.

Stumbled into the kitchen to try to find her some crackers and soda to help settle her belly, finding nothing became angry and decided I'd have to go to the store. We've been trying not to keep so much food in the house because of the impending move, but as a result of this we've eaten out way too much and not had a decent breakfast in weeks.

Drive to the store, hear my cell phone beep and check to find a call. Find that there is some trouble with our move. Without going into too much detail, due to circumstances beyond my control and because of things (or situations rather) that have been placed upon me there is concern that I've not followed a procedure with the department.

Try to solve above situation whilst shopping for food for family and check on sick babe.

Realize that nothing really matters outside of sick babe and give up on above situation.

Come home to a babe who is feeling much better, clean up and call my mother to talk.

Call, throw a fit and have a mini emotional breakdown. Realize I'm being stupid because I've done all that I can do and what I believe is right to do.

Feel that I don't want to go anywhere any more and now have to pack and leave feeling just that way.

Things I need to Remember

I've been spending quite a bit of time (maybe too much) reading the blogs of folks who are in PhD programs, or grad schools of some sort and have been collecting bits and pieces of knowledge. So I'm composing a list of things I think I should remember:

keep a journal and it doesn't have to be one just for academics.
exercise: tis be good for mind, body, and soul.
keep the soul healthy.
eat well.
exercise in case you eat too well.
family time is a MUST.
couple time is a MUST.
not everyone is as smart as they seem.
keep organized in whatever fashion works for you.
plan fun things outside of school.
remember that school is NOT everything.
make use of opportunities given by school (library, movies, discounts, etc).

Frankenstein Life

Tomorrow is the first of many lasts. DH has his last day of work at the place he's been for the past seven years. He's been through a lot there, we got engaged when he first started working there, were married, had our first babe, his mom got sick, my granny died, so they've seen DH through a lot of changes, a lot of changes. I think his leaving is bittersweet. He's wanted a change, but has enjoyed some of what he's done. He's grown to think of some of his office mates as family and others, well, I guess its just best to let it be at that. I think its weird for me because it makes the move even more real. It was real before when I started moving things into the living room in our things to take pile, but now that DH is saying goodbye to his job, I don't know I guess I really see things coming together (so why do I feel like they are falling apart?).

The past week has been really hard on me. Honestly, I've had a hard time sleeping at night and have just felt really anxious, my eating habits have been poor and I've also not been riding my bike or doing any exercise. Most of my 'free' time has been trying to plunge through books, reorient myself with my field of study, prep things for the move, or to just worry. And I'm just sick of it now. Its really annoying me now. I'm usually a nervous nelly, but I'm tired of letting my fear(s) just control my thinking. Every new thing I experience I don't allow myself to just experience sans nervousness. So I'm really deciding to just stop. Here is a list of the things I am going to stop doing:

*talking in absolutes about everything.
*thinking that everything has to turn out poorly.
*guessing.
*trying to be a fortune teller.
*telling myself I'm not smart (enough).
*wasting time.
*worrying about not being able to control the worrying.

True Conffession

I have only 11 days until we move. I am nervous. I have never been this far away before from my bro, mom, dad, aunts, cousins, etc. but I am also a bit excited. I am also very thankful that my babe and husband are coming with me. I'm kinda surprised because quite a few folks have asked me if they were coming or staying here. I can't imagine doing this by myself but even more so I can't imagine leaving them. I know that sometimes people have to have long distance relationships, but its not something I would choose to do with my family.

I can't believe that its almost time for me to be back in school again. I think I've fantasied and worried about it for so long that now that the time is here I'm almost feeling so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do.

...feeling....overWHELMED.....

gonna go make dinner..salad and ice cream sandwiches.

listing...listing...listing

Well, I'm off to a pretty good start. I finished everything on my list except for filling out the calendar and making a list for tomorrow, but I can go ahead and do that now:

Teaching folder Cont'd
Call cable company for move
READ required books

Not bad considering how hot it is here and the heat has zapped me. There is another heat advisory for tomorrow, so if I need to go out I've got to make sure that we do it before noon.

We had sushi for dinner (veggie-yum) and its too hot to cook so I'm gonna have to make salad or something for tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a caesar salad and fruit salad or ice cream sandwiches for dessert. Or gazpacho. I dunno.

The babe had her 15 month check up today. She is almost 30lbs and is 30 inches. A short plump babe.

Still got work to do and I'm getting tired.

nuff for now

listing

My pet peeves:

1. prepaid phones that don't work and dads who won't listen about getting regular cell phones.

2. packing things.

3. spending money.

4. people who you email and they don't respond to the email but send you forwards about random ish.

5. moving far far away.

6. being so attached to my family.

7. cooking.

8. having summer reading.

9. being addicted to buying planners and calendars.

10. family stuff that reminds me of the fact my gma isn't here.

11. worrying.

12. having to get shots for school.

13. listing.
*****
Its count down time for our move and I think that this is where all of this is coming from. I'm feeling antsy, having a hard time sleeping and just making lists and buying planners and trying to remember stuff and spending so much time about worrying and being afraid that I'm not getting much of anything done. I'm realizing this even as I typed up the list above, I'm not accomplishing anything instead I'm being mobilized by my fear and worry. And both are useless at this point.

So....with a deep cleansing yoga breathe, my new list:

Things I would like to accomplish Monday

1. Babe has a 15 month check up and I need copies of her immunization records.

2. I need to put my stuff for teaching in a new binder.

3. Start making stacks of the books I want to take.

4. Fill out the LAST calendar I plan to purchase until it expires! no matter if I see another one that I think will make me more organized or efficient, I'm loosing time with just the buying of the calendars. Fill in dates for school, vacations, and phone numbers.

5. Make another list for Tuesday.

--Read!

These boots were made for talking.

Here lately the babe has been using her words. Or I guess I should rephrase that and say that she talks with her own babe language but for the past week I feel like she's been on the verge of using words that we readily recognize as being a part of the English language . When we pick up keys she'll say "kee" but this is confusing because she also says "kee" when she sees that cats running around. There has been some debate over whether or not she is in fact saying "kee" for the kitty or if the "kee" is supposed to be more of a "gee" because sometimes we say "get" to shoo the cats away if they are being naughty or if there are tons of cats around the yard that don't belong to us. She says dada but not always for DH, just sometimes randomly. We think she said mama (once on mother's day, DH swears she did, but she never did again). And this weekend when she stayed with my mom, she swore that she started to say "bye bye" even though she's not uttered it again.

At any rate, I know when she is communicating with me, I can totally read her verbal (cries, laughs, sighs) and non-verbals (shaking her head, pulling my arms to pick her up, rubbing her eyes, lifting up my shirt--oh yeah, today she tried that one in the optometrist office). But when she's ready to talk, we can't wait to listen.

And these happen to be a babe's favorite shoes at the moment.

Things would be so much easier if:

1. I was organized.
2. I could buy lots of organizational things from Ikea.
3. I lived in the city.
4. I had a part-time secure job teaching and writing.
5. DH had a job that was semi-good to him (not too good, because its fun to complain sometimes).
6. Our debts were paid off.
7. I could cook really yummy vegetarian and vegan meals.
8. I actually took time to exercise every day.
9. I did not spend money everytime I left the house.
10. I did not feel like I always have to leave said house.
11. I did not buy pre-cooked meals all the time.
12. I did not always change my mind a zillion times before returning to the orginal idea.
13. I didn't worry so much over everything.
14. I did not have to depend so much on others for help.
15. I did not read other mommy blogs and compare myself to other moms.*
16. I could go Island hopping like Tree (if it weren't for the fear of flying and boats, birds, random bugs, etc...)
17. It weren't so damn humid.
18. I quit procrastinating by making lists and trying to be pseudo-organized.


*Ironicaly, I don't ever compare Babe to other babies, I think that's because she is just awesome and I know it.

An evening con Babe

We got our babe this afternoon and didn't realize how much we'd missed her until we walked into my parents' house and saw her snuggled on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor. Since we've all been home this evening we played with Dora, ate mac -n-cheese, drank apple juice, and watched dad almost fry off his hand.

It has been storming kinda bad, we turned off the lights and were just sitting around in the family room. DH went to the kitchen sink and was trying to move a knife from the cutting board to the sink, which had water. He went and put the knife down and boom (well, there was no sign, just a flash of blue, when the knife touched the water and the lightening must have struck somewhere near the house....I don't know all the sciences on this but if anyone does..we'd like to know what happened. Thankfully, DH is okie.

An evening sans Babe

Babe is spending the night with her grandparents. I miss her horrible, so does DH. This is what we've done:

laundry,
paid bills,
discussed bills, money,
read blogs,
watched a movie,
dishes,
cleaning,
realized how boring we are without Babe. Is this what we were like before? My apologies to our friends and family. Babe makes us cool.

Lost Touch

Tonight, just now actually, I was trying to blog with a babe on my lap. This doesn't work so well anymore because now that babe is totally mobile she ends up typing on the keyboard or grabbing the mouse or getting out of my lap and trying to play with the cords for the laptop. So, I asked DH if he would take a babe and go pick out some pjs for bed so that I could finish my post. That's when DH said I'd lost touch. And so I stopped to think about this. Have I lost touch? And if so with what? Blogging is usually my way of winding down from the day and trying to get my thoughts together. I try to use this time to just think about what's been on my mind or what others are thinking about via their blogs. In some ways its kinda like 'talking' to others, though I rarely have time to post comments to others' blogs though I do read many. I do that because I do feel like I've lost touch in a lot of ways. After we had babe and I decided to quit working outside of the home there was a lot that I didn't realize I would miss, like conversations at lunch or reading a newspaper daily, or learning something new at work. Now, in no way would I want to trade those things for what I got in return: a soft babe, daily Elmo time, breast-feeding (my boobs actually grew!), and being able to say that I was there for the first...tooth, steps, word, turning over, etc.
But, as I told my cousin at lunch the other week, you also don't realize that when you become a mom, it is oh so very easy to loose yourself. Because those first few weeks, hell months, are so intense, you forget things like washing your hair on a regular basis, or the fact that you actually used to wear perfume and clothes that weren't just wash and ware (or ware and ware). You also forget that you liked books that were not made of cardboard and food that required more cooking and did not taste like cardboard. But as your babe grows and you find your rhythm as a parent you start to remember those things. I think I remember the first time I finished a book post-partum, or rather the first non-babe book I read. A part of me felt guilty, like all of my waking time and energy should be devoted only to reading and further my babe education. If I wasn't doing laundry or scrubbing the floor, or trying to go out shopping before her nap was over then I should be. But you soon learn that if you don't give yourself time to take a shower, or read a book, or eat a good lunch, you burn out quickly and you do loose touch with yourself and others. I canceled lunches, forgot to return phone calls, and tried to avoid folks because I felt like I should only be doing things related to babe. But I learned my lesson. You do have to remember who you were before the babe and while you are different in some ways, you need to honor and remember what made you YOU in the first place. So yes, I have lost touch, in many ways but I'm reaching out again.

He's a Dog

I guess I should preface this by saying that I do believe people are innocent until proven guitly. But, Mike Vick, if what they say about what he did to those dogs, or allowed to be done, is an animal. No, actually, he's not an animal. I don't know what word I'd used to describe him, because to my knowledge animals don't exploit or participate in activities to harm others, not in this way.

In a New York Times article from today, they said that investigators found graves on his kennal property.

He's in Richmond today for his first court appearance, it'll be intereting to see how this unfolds.

10 hours

That's how long I slept last night. I haven't done that in I know, well over a year. But a babe didn't take a nap yesterday and was so tired that she was out by 8PM. She stirred for about 10 minutes around 9, and so I decided to just go lay beside her. As a result of that, we both slept. I woke up this morning not recongizing this feeling, I guess you call it being well rested? The babe took a nap from 11:15AM-12:45PM so we'll see how the rest of the afternoon goes, and the night. I'm afraid to ask how long this will last. So I won't and I'm even more afraid to try and figure out what I did (if anything) for this to occur. So I won't.

Thankful.

forgot some stuff...

...old friends,
...being organized,
...staying organized,
...my mind,
...having plans.

But I am thankful for stuff too, especially after this evening, we had to take babe to the ER. She got bit by a large insect (wasp we think) and we were very scared, not knowing if she'd have a super severe reaction or not. Luckily, she did not and is now giggling happily on the bed, pointing to me, dad and herself and falling back in laughter as we assure her our names have not changed. This is what love is.

I miss stuff...

...my granny,
...family nights,
...walking my old neighborhood,
...knowing neighbors,
...my old grocery store,
...schedules,
...knowing and feeling certain about what I was doing,
...having people around me,
...good relationships,
...driving with the windows down,
...not being on pins and needles 24/7,
...feeling good about me.

Smoke stacks on isle 6

I wanted to make a pasta salad for dinner tonight. The heat and stress have just zapped my brain and tummy, so I thought a nice cool salad and tea would be great for dinner. Babe and I decided to go to Walmart with my bro to get the pasta I needed. We were on the pasta isle, six, when we started to smell cigarette smoke. I looked around and as neither my bro, nor I smoke, I tried to figure out where the smell was coming from. There was a little old man standing in front of the canned meats with a cigarette. Just puffing away. I gave babe to bro so she wouldn't have to be in the smokey cloud and told him to go find a manager and let them know this dude was smoking away on the pasta and canned meat isle.

I felt a little guilty at first, I don't know why, maybe its just he was old. But then I started to think about it, he shouldn't be smoking in the first place and second, it was a non-smoking space.

Smokey the bear was whispering to me that I did the right thing.

stressed out of me mind

I should go to bed now. should take a shower, rub my scalp with oil, and climb into bed with my HP book. But I'm not. Instead, I'm trying to google to find pics of how really REALLY bad the weather is in the new place we are moving. I'm trying oh so very hard to think of all the bad things that can happen when we move (car troubles, a non-sleeping babe, weather, illness, lost items, money troubles, work problems). I am also trying to make lists of the lists I need to make. I am also troubling myself with trying to prepare to teach a class that I know I can teach but have told myself will for some reason be oh so different from anything in the entire world.

Yes, I should force myself to go to bed because my anxiety's now have worries and nothing is helping. I think I have sat at this computer for too long, read far too many blogs, eaten too much ice cream and chocolate bar.

It also does not help that because last week my DH went up yonder to find us a home in the new west, babe and I had to stay with my parents (not too big on staying out in the country by our lonesome). So, that means babe is totally off her schedule. My parents spoiled her with toys, frozen fruit treats, and juice. She is still awake, normally we'd all be in the bed now. But we're just off. Off. Like Alice in Wonderland off.

Oh my god, I'm so stressed I'm out of my mind.

I am going to bed.

oh the Stress.

My husband says that he has ABMS. Asiatic Black Man Syndrome: Poor diet, High stress. He lists several men that have had or are coping with this disorder:

James Evans (Good Times)
Fiddler (Roots)
Kunta Kinte (Roots)
Martin Luther King Jr
My Uncle M.
My Uncle R.
Actually, all of my Uncles.
My father
My brother
My grandfathers (RIP)
Big Mike, actually any Man living with a Black Woman
Moses

I'm sure the list could go on.

oh. the move

We have found a place in new city up yonder. I am very nervous. I am making list upon list to try to organize myself and my family. I have books to read before classes start. I am nervous.

We were blessed to find a place that is furnished, so we don't have to move all of our things. We are blessed. I have to figure out what we are going to take and what we'll leave.

My mom is very sad, she will no doubt miss babe. Everyone is moving and changing, my bro got a new job, we'll now have two grandkids living out-of-state, another in the northern part of the state and another in the far southwest. For the first time in my life I'll be away from home. I'm not nearly as excited as I used to think I'd be. But I'm older now and I think that has something to do with it.

And today has been weird. Stayed up way too late reading Harry Potter and then got up around noon today. Stepped on my glasses and had to go over to the mall to order a new pair. I'll be walking around with my broken glasses con tape until the new ones come in.

I'm tired of sitting at this desk, reading, organizing, and trying to make things work.

I am starting to feel small again. Oh. so small.

this is what happens....

when you have no net access at home and then must cram all of them into one sitting while your bro watches your Babe.

Things a Babe can Do

Because I've not posted an updated list on things my Babe can do.....

1. Say dada to Dad and to me.
2. Dance.
3. Squat to pooh, still in the diaper, but I'm not wanting to introduce potty training just yet, she's only 14 months.
4. Sing (la la la is her favorite).
5. She realizes that the remote control controls the TV and likes to turn it off. We are very happy about this.
6. Kick the ball down the hall to her room.
7. Feed herself.
8. Wash her face.
9. Point to her toes and noes when asked where they are.
10. Put on her Dora shoes.
11. Identify Dora.
12. Run, well its more of a fast trot, but it can pass for running.
13. Give hugs when she first wakes up in the morning.
14. Negotiate not taking a nap, she does this by pulling out tons of toys and books so that it takes forever to clean up.
15. Sit on the porch stoop.
16. Walk up stairs with help.
17. Color, books and the floor are her favorite canvases.
18. Turn around in circles.

She never stops amazing me. I was just reading Dooce's post, on her daughter's developments at month 41. I used to read Dooce's postings before I had a Babe and it always made me want a babe. Now I have a Babe and I can understand why its so important to find a way to record all the things your babes do, because they do them so quickly and soon they become normal, just a part of your routine and then one day it catches you off guard, the fact that you don't have to carry them everywhere or that they can tell you when they are pooping and you wonder when it changed. Like I don't remember the exact day that Babe started to squat and rub her belly to let us know she'd taken a pooh. Or I don't remember exactly when she started to learn that she had control over things around her, could make her toys move, could make us laugh, could wave and get reactions from strangers. But sometimes I just watch and I'm amazed that she is really becoming her own person. Its really a beautiful thing to be a part of.

8 things

I saw this over at Tree's place and decided I wanted to give it a whirl:

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
Each player
starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are
tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these
rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get
tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling
them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Random Fact 1: I am sometimes terrified to the point of covering my eyes when I go across bridges (not while driving of course).

Random Fact 2: I love office supply stores and catalogues. I am addicted to buying calendars and desk organizers.

Random Fact 3: I once read and researched so much about the Vietnam war that I camped out under a tree in mud to try and feel what it might have been like. Needless to say I could not recreate this and it troubled my mother.

Random Fact 4: I learned how to read when I was 4, my granny taught me.

Random Fact 5: I've never lived outside of Riva city and the tri-riva city area.

Random Fact 6: I once said I did not want to move to another city based solely on the fact that the city did not have a Chinese restaurant.

Random Fact 7: I was in labor with Babe for 14+ hours and towards the end was so spaced out from pain that I wanted to do my own c-section.

Random Fact 8: I am supposed to be moving in less than 4 weeks to a far away new city, state and have yet to pack a thing. Why? Because I am oh so very frightened.

Okie so who ever reads this should go next.

A Troubled Childhood

Conversation that took place before going to see Transformers Monday evening:

Me: So, like remind me of what the Transformers did again. I think I watched them as kids, but I'm not so sure I remember.

DH: They were robots, there were two groups, the autobots and the...

Me: Oh yeah, and they would all come together to form Voltron, right? I remember the song...

DH: No, you've got two cartoons confused. Voltron was a mixture of....

Me: No, I think you got it wrong, Voltron was when all the robots came together to have like super power.

DH: Uh, no.

Me: So they were like with the Thundercats?

heat

Not too much to say. The ye ole south's heat and humidity has trully zapped my brain.

Things My Grandma Taught Me

Kathryn W. Anderson
December 20, 1928-June 20, 2006

1. People are different, but you don't have to be.
2. French Fries aren't good cold.
3. Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwhiches are much better smooshed.
4. Tuna fish is good for you, and you should eat a little meat every now and again.
5. Bread can solve many problems.
6. Eat when you are hungry.
7. Don't talk on the phone during a storm.
8. How to read.
9. Good penmenship is essential.
10. You can change your name if you don't like it.
11. You can be sophisticated and have a gold tooth (or bar).
12. C-sections aren't bad.
13. All that matters is that you try.
14. As long as you get a D its really okie not to ace everything in school.
15. Don't start wearing makeup and you won't need it.
16. Good credit goes a long way.
17. People treat us differently, but keep being yourself.
18. Drive.
19. Always dream.
20. Condoms aren't always trustworthy.
21. Caller ID rules.
22. Eat well and get exercise.
23. Cake and ice cream before bed can help you.
24. If you need to loose weight, stop the cake and ice cream before bed.
25. Drink water, and lots of it.
26. See the doctor if you worry, and don't be 'steetin bout' what anyone else says.
27. Rub your baby's legs so they won't be bowed.
28. Baby massage helps to relax a baby and keep their skin smooth.
29. Sometimes you have to act a little crazy to get your way.
30. Keep your faith, whatever it may be.
31. Don't depend on no one.
32. Keep good credit and they will sell you anything.
33. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll get free food.
34. Go through a drive thru long enough and you'll forget if your at one for a bank or food.
35. School doesn't always matter.
36. Even with #35, she still taught me how to be a teacher.
37. Remember where you came from, but don't let that fog your future.
38. Follow your heart.
39. Patience.
40. Thoughtfulness.
41. What it means to walk in faith.
42. Intelligence.
43. How to listen.
44. Kindness goes a long ways.
45. Ask questions when you don't know.
46. Stick in the tough situations but know you can always come home.
47. Eat bread when you choke.
48. Vinegar-Whops are good for upset tummies.
49. How to give a Babe a bath.
50. Love.

Love you granny.

Dreams that surface from Shallow sleep*

I think it must be from the stress of planning a move and going back to school, but I've had the most random dreams and thoughts that surface:

-the other night, I was dreaming that I was getting married again, but had to drive a big ass bus in order to get to my parents house. once there, they had redone their home with nice new windows and central ac/heat (anyone who knows my parents knows very well that this is a dream...the rock radiators and window units).


-I've had random ass dreams about people from high school. like I'm going to lunch with them and having grown-up conversations about life, kids, work, but its weird because its people I've not talked to in like years. at least a decade.

These are just two examples, I try to forget most of them because they are just so damn peculiar. I can't fight the fact that I don't get nearly as much sleep as I should. Not good deep sleep because a babe is still sleeping in the bed with us (we dig the family bed). Babe now turns herself completely around while sleeping which means we have to move around her so that no one falls off. I've also taken to reading before bed again which used to be a really good habit, but now the books I've chosen (just started Zadie Smith's On Beauty and am also reading about snake's in church services in the south...can't think of the title) but anyways... the reading, the watching of late night TV (yikers, I watch Tyra), and reading Babe her books (Mama, Mama, Papa Papa and Olivia) AND the fact that I've been listening to way too much Johnny Cash and Elvis hymns I'm sure is why I've been having such weird dreams.

I hope.

Truth is, I really need to find another outlet for stress and thinking because I'm so bottled up right now, so worried about the move, and how it'll affect Babe and H, and myself and our future and everything that I don't know what to do. I've not been able to write in my journal (paper version) because its just not helping me. Truth be told I've not kept a paper journal now for at least a year. Its not the same. Or maybe I'm not the same, my expectations for writing have changed. It used to be, that I thought I could write myself into feeling calmer and better. If I could just get the shit out of my head and onto the paper I'd be able to figure things out. Then the shit just got so much more complicated that the paper couldn't contain it. Or rather, I just couldn't quite get it down. This blog is the only type of reflective writing I do right now. Damn, its the only writing I do really, outside of lists and appointment notes and stuff. But I guess my question for myself is really just why I don't get that same pleasure out of writing that I used to? Why doesn't it make me feel better?

I'd stopped writing after 9.11 but then returned to it about a year after. My grandma died almost a year ago (6.20) and I stopped writing...well actually before that I'd ended this blog at one point and before that I hadn't been able to write in a consistent way during my pregnancy, again except for the blog.

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to get at or what I'm trying to discover, I guess a new way to look at things and to try to feel better, to be able to put things down--out of my head-- and let them rest some where else while I try to rest my own head.

*from Warcloud's Album Nightmares that surface from shallow sleep

Week in Review

Just really posting because I've not posted in a bit. Summer is keeping us busy, birthdays, graduations, and moving to CNY.

Babe is walking steady now and dances at the drop of a hat (or sound of a beat). We've been working on planning our move, hoping that it'll be as smooth as possible, but doubting it, or rather not holding our breathe too much.

Last night bro and I went to a slammin (and yes I know that is totally from the 80s) Mos Def concert and had a good time. He's call and response thing was "Don't Stop the Rock...I Feel Good."

Today there was a family reunion on my dad's side and it was rather sad. Not many folks, family is scattered...and its hard to get folks together.

But whatever.....my mind is zapped from the sun, so I'll end this now.

Q&A

Blog: So, Ilnizzzah, school is out and summer is in! Can you tell us a little bit about your plans for the summer months?

Ilnizzzah: Yeah, well, I'm not sure. I mean, I think (am almost certain) we are moving this summer, leaving ye ole lonely road and heading north. I got accepted into a PhD program for the Fall and I'm...

Blog: Wow! Congrats, but a PhD? Up North? With a 1 year old babe? That is a mighty big step and it sure is aways away from Rivah City.

Ilnizzzah: Yeah. I don't think the distance will bother me too much. It already feels quite lonely here and my family is only like 30 minutes from my house. As for Babe, she actually forces me to be a good student, to prioritize and to know what's really important in life. So I'm not...

Blog: I see. Well, yes, but have you thought about Babe not seeing her grandparents as much? That'll be mighty hard on them and...

Ilnizzzah: We are only about 7 hours away and they are willing to drive up or take a train. So I'm hopeful that either way, we'll get to see them once a month. I've no doubt it will be hard, because we are all so accustomed to seeing one another like every day, but this past year has turned everything upside down on its ass, with my granny passing, General just passed, our move(s), things just aren't they way they used to be. I'm hoping this move will bring about a change for the better and I'm sure that you.....

Blog: Yes, change, but you know, sometimes you don't handle change too well. Seems that it stresses you out, in the past I've thought often that you are a creature of habit who...

Ilnizzah: Well, creatures can also learn new behaviors as well, you have to in order to survive. There are a lot of things I've done in the past year that I'd never done or thought of doing before. I'm game for this.

Blog: So you think this is just a 'game'? You do realize you are asking your family to relocate, move out of a house, and...

Ilnizzzah: You certainly are a sprite one. NO. I don't think of this as a game, but I do realize that sometimes you can't plan everything and when a plan unfolds for you, if it feels right and can better your condition and your family's sometimes you have to trust and proceed as the way comes.

memorial weekend in review.

She's baaaaaaaaaaacccccccccck.

After almost two years MIA my period returned yesterday. I know, maybe too much info, but this has been a blog where I've tapped into a little bit of everything, from school to work to pregnancy, so there. Ha.

I can't say I missed it at all, that's also one of the other side perks of breastfeeding, you don't have to worry about your period coming back so soon, but now the Babe is munching on mac-n-cheese and sipping juice more each day. She only nurses at night.

The babe is growing up!

December 15. 1997-May 25. 2007

We lost another beloved member of our family. Our dog, General, died early on Friday morning, May 25. 2007

We loved him dearly.

My trip to Walmart

Tonight we had to go by Walmart to pick up random things (wood chips for the grill, light bulbs, diapers for Babe, laundry detergent, you get the picture) and I just took a moment to notice how amazing Walmart actually is.

Where else can you go and buy a Virgin of Guadalupe yard statue, chicken gizzards, hemp string, cheese, and alcohol. Not that I have anything against any of the above mentioned items, I almost got the Virgin statue, bought the hemp and cheese. No go on the gizzards and alchie.

Babe enjoyed herself, she's such a people-watcher, much like her mama. I have more fun sitting in the parking lot than actually going in. My bro and I usually make up stories about the people we say, including narrator's comments, conversation, and setting descriptions. I've done this for as long as I can remember, always making up stories about people that I see, dreaming about what I think their lives are like, what their problems might be.

Sometimes I want to put those things down on paper, just create short stories or character sketches, but I haven't as of yet. Just another thing to add to the good ole list.

post with no name

I've been wanting to write for quite some time, but just have not had the time, energy, or wherewithal (is that even a word) to do so. There has been so much on my mind that I don't even know where to begin. So I might ramble a bit, but I need to get it all out of my head...

Babe
Turned a year old, and its been bittersweet. She is walking now, she starting walking on May 18, at 11:43PM to be exact. And its so weird to watch her now, she can stand and play at her toy box or her little chair and I don't have to stand beside her. She can take out the toys she likes, throw the ones she doesn't. I know why people get 'baby fever' around this time, because you see your little one growing and changing and becoming more independent and it makes you long for those days of just holding them, nursing, naps, rocking. Now she wants to get down on the floor, crawl, dance, and just wiggle about. She got her first pair of shoes tonight.

Moving
I was given the opportunity to begin school this fall. Everything happened really quickly and we've spent the past month trying to adjust to this new change. It does mean moving away from here and starting out in a new environment with no family, no friends, no known resources. But we are thinking that we are going to in fact do this. Its a way for me to finish my education and hopefully get a full time tenure-track job once I'm done. This will be the first time DH and I move away from home, home-home that is. It'll also be really difficult because we have babe now and my family has gotten so attached to her. My mom doesn't even want to talk about us leaving, its that hard. We are worried about how we'll manage without having family around us, because we are so fortunate now to have a good network, but I think we also feel like we've just got to try.
I'm thinking about how sometimes the things that seem so hard and difficult bring the greatest reward and knowledge.

Studenting/Mothering/Othering
I've seen myself solely as a mom for the past year. I mean I've been only in mom-mode, so its kinda hard for me to think of myself as being something else. Its important for me to establish an identity outside of being a mother, because sometimes I find that I miss old things I used to do, and I wonder if that's why I feel so 'different and at times lonely. I used to journal on a regular basis and read. I'd go through books like crazy. Honestly, I just didn't have the time for that this past year with Babe and all, but slowly I'm trying to welcome some of those old things back into my life again. Realizing that I'm not the same person who could read 3 books in a week, but just because I can't doesn't mean that I have to give that love up all together, it just means I can read 1 at a time, or that I might not journal as frequently, but I can still do those things, its just me doing them in a different way.
Thinking about going back to school and getting back into teaching and writing and researching has made me worry a bit, because I feel like I'm different now, I'll be a different kind of student, but I'm still trying to convince myself that doesn't mean I'll be a bad student. I think there are some things I've learned from being a mom that most definitely can benefit me as a student. Maybe I needed to learn some of those lessons before I went to school.

So, there is a hecka of a lot going on right now and I'm gonna try to keep up with my posting, but with a walking Babe now....I'm spending more time running.

No Sweet Tea

We travelled up North, CNY to be exact, to visit because I've been admitted into a PhD program for this fall. I'm happy to report that we got lost several times, never quite made it to any of the appointments we had to look at places, and had no sweet tea. It was really weird. We stopped in several restaurants, grocery stores, and little snack shops around the area and no one had sweet tea. I must admit that I was very disappointed and upset, I usually drink sweet tea with every meal (except breakfast). I didn't know this was such a southern phenomena until this trip when there was no sweet tea the entire time up there, even on the road, until we got to Maryland. That must be the sweet tea cut-off line, some mysterious line made up of ice cubes and sugar cane, and tea bags.

We got lost throughout the city, but it paid off because we were able to figure out places that we didn't really like and places that weren't originally recommended to us, that we just happened to find. Now the hard part is trying to find a place that will allow our dog, it doesn't seem like ye ole city up yonder is too pet friendly when it comes to renting.

Babe did really well driving up there, but the way back was harder because we traveled during the day and she got very fussy at the end. We all did.

checking in

This week has kept me so busy. Finishing up the end of the semester for the classes I was teaching and the class I take, along with birthday celebrations, and preparing for a trip up to the ye ole norf. We are going to go look at places up norf because, well, dammit, I'm going back to school.

I'm hungry now and want to write more, but a cheesey enchilada is calling my name...and I'mma go answer.


A Babe update
**Babe can snap her fingers to music. I was at least 10 or 11 before I figured that out. Her dad was 20. Clearly, she already superceeds us. Pure genius.**

Tis be my Birthday....

...watch me do the birthday dance! Arrrrrreba! Ole!
cha cha cha ....
After partying like it was 1999 all weekend for Babe's birthday, today is kinda quiet and I'm not complaining. I am now 29 years old. Wow. I don't feel weird about getting older and 29 doesn't feel that old to me. My granny used to say you don't feel different until you hit 5o, then things just start to change. But I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I've got a paper to turn in that I stayed up until 2 in the morning writing! and an exam to take in about an hour.

I didn't really ask for much this birthday, except this. And I'm very happy because DH is actually getting it for me. I had a red and white one as a kid and I haven't ridden in years, so I look forward to this exercise again.

Birthdays have been kinda hard in my family because granny used to coordinate the birthday festivities, a cake, party hats, singing, all that stuff. So we've each found different ways to change and still honor the tradition. This year I decided that each year I'm going to make myself a birthday promise, something that I'll do for myself to make myself a better person.

This year's birthday promise: I just want to really stop the bull shit. And I mean that in oh so many ways. No need to 'splain Lucy.

My first birthday.

Today is Babe's 1st birthday. We spent the day opening presents (her favorite have been Backyardagain clip-ons, an activity cube, blocks, and a Vera Bradley purse), taking many pictures, and just remembering how she got here and what a wonderful year of milestones we've had with her.

Babe arrived in this world via cesarean birth. While I had general anesthesia (long story, but all was well, believe me, all was very well as I slept and felt no pain after 15 hours of the hardest work I've ever done in my life) I was not awake when she first came out, but once I was awake the first person I saw was Babe. She was tiny and swaddled and had been placed at my breast to nurse by our doula. She was gorgeous. DH and I spent the rest of the night and early morning looking at her, listening to her cries, and trying to fill out endless paperwork about her name. Those first few days are a blurr to me now. I know that I went home after 3 days, she slept no longer than 30 minutes at a time, sometimes 40 or 45, and she had a scream that could peel paint off of walls. I remember charting everything, from pees to poohs, to how long she cried, to which breast she nursed on, to pimples on her nose. We barely left the house, except for a doctor's visit to check her weight and height. It was a wonderful week. Those weeks moved into months and many other special things, the first time she tried holding her head up by herself (about 3 weeks), the first time she smiled and cooed at us-about 2 months (randomly she did it at 2 1/2 days), the first time she sat up by herself Thanksgiving, her first visit to see Santa, moving into our first house, the first cruising steps (9 months), crawling (11 months-2 weeks ago to be exact), and now her first birthday.

I honestly don't know where the year has gone, while not every moment has been spectacular, some have been down right scary (her first big fever in the middle of the night, her first temper tantrum in a store-over hot dog buns) and some have been sad (the loss of her great-grandma at 6 weeks old), every moment has propelled me towards this: there hasn't been anything greater to happen to me than this, being a mother.

Reflections..honest

This semester I took a class because I wanted to get back into the swing of school and because I simply adore learning. This semester I took a class with a babe, something I've never done. This semester I became The Student I Dread. How did this happen? Well, lets reflect on my behavior:

• I missed more than the allotted 'free miss' days. I missed 3 to be exact.
• I emailed the professor with questions that I could have answered had I been in class.
• I told the professor that I'd had difficulty finishing an assignment because of personal things at home, namely not having time with a babe to write/research on time.
• I turned in 2 assignments late.
• I did not always read the book.

I dread the fact that I didn't fully utilize this opportunity. Why did I act in this manner? I am a teacher I should know better. I should have planned my time better, should have lined up babysitter assistance so that I could complete homework assignments. Should have made my own deadlines instead of the ones on the syllabus because I know what kind of writer I am, I have to have many mini-writing sessions because I'm not good at just sitting down and cranking things out in long periods of time. So what I have I learned for the future?

• You have a babe. That means you might miss more than the allotted number of classes sometimes. Plan accordingly and don't skip a class one night just because you are lazy* (or afraid of getting a paper back), realize that you may need to save your free 'miss' class in case a babe needs you to take off for legitimate reasons.
• Refer to the first bulletin. But also, don't be afraid to ask questions for clarification.
• Be honest. Don't feel guilty because you have a child and are going to school. You still deserve to be here. But also realize that you've got to budget your time accordingly and this means that you must work in a different way than from how you once worked before, pre-babe.
• Again, time management-and deadlines.
• Just read the damn book.

Much of what I learned about myself this semester is that I do need deadlines. I do need some type of structure. And more than that, I do belong in school, even with a babe. Babe has taught me so much about myself this semester its not funny. That's for another post...

*much of my laziness comes from fear. I fear I'm not going to have the 'smartest' or 'wittiest' answer, or something that the teacher wants to see, so I dread doing the work, thus putting me on a cycle of dread-fear-dread-fear-get too tired from all the dreading and fearing and don't do any doing.

do u remember?

i used to want to be the kangaroo here.

i watched these after school and was always so sure of what i'd do.

these helped me learn about the gov'ment.

and i remember watching these after school or randomly durring the summer, glad i didn't go to this high school.

ah procrastination on the internet and feeling nostaligic is just grand.

i'm tired.

so much. very little done today.

went to a surprise b-day party for a 2nd cousin. realized that while its nice to see everyone, not everyone is doing the big things that you think. also realized that we are all very broken in so many ways.

DH worked tirelessly around the yard today. he finished cleaning up the shrubs and brush that we've had laying around the past few months.

i finally finished a draft of a paper that was due two weeks ago. now i just have the paper to finish. in like, 24 hours. um yeah.

and i got papers from a ye ole universidad that has offerred me a position as a graduate student, yup.

and now i'm trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

1. write paper
2. sleep
3. figure out what to do next
4. go to school?
5. how will i go with a babe.
6. how will i not go with a babe.

writing.

I'm having a really hard time writing the paper for my class that I'm taking. I don't know why. I think I should have picked another topic or maybe its that I'm afraid because the work I've done so far has just been really rough. I think the ideas have been good, but the thinking rough.

Note to self: it takes you time to get your ideas out and then to revise. plan accordingly

Status of me Listings

Now this is my new list (items removed = things DONE)

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).

Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***




Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.


Not bad...some of the other things will just have to wait until tomorrow now because I'm too tired...but I'm feeling like I got things a bit more under control...uh...maybe

how did Babe learn she has control?

Babe has learned that she can say 'no' to food and toys and to us with a wave of her hand, like an army general. I'm not sure how she learned this, I guess because she's done it a couple of times and we've responded that she is saying no to whatever it is we are trying to offer.

Its just amazing to me to be able to watch all the changes and developments she goes through, even if this one means sometimes I get food in my hair and A&D in my eyes.

Get this done.

I have gotten to a point where I'm tired of letting things linger. This semester, actually the past two semesters I'd gotten into a bad habit of starting lots of little projects and not fully completing them. In my own head I guess I was thinking that I'd get more done this way, but it hasn't worked like that at all. I think its also because babe takes such short naps (usually only 2 for about 30 minutes a piece!) so I try to cram a lot into those periods of time which usually means I end up not getting much of anything done.

So I have enlisted my mother in law and DH to help me tonight because I'm feeling very stressed, its the end of the semester and I've got lots going on, so this evening I hope to actually get thing done.

My list:
Get rid of my two ingrown toenails. (I know, gross, but they've been bothering me for like 2 weeks and I've not had the time to sit down and take care of them properly).
Call my cousin and tell her I don't know if we can purchase her table... we might be downsizing if we move.
Put clothes in dryer and dirty ones in wash.
Eat some dinner.
Go for a walk.
Take a shower (get rid of callous on foot).
***All of the above most be completed before I can move on the following***

Respond to student emails.
Email students about final course requirements.
Fill in calendar about my final requirements.
Draft of final paper.
Get books and articles I want to use for my final paper.
Check off final paper requirements for class.
Put books away.
Make notes for appointments.

If there is still time....
->vacuum floors.

And- look up info on tenure/job prospects
and-Phd school stuff.

thats a lot to do....and its almost 6PM, oh! and I need to watch America's next top Model...gotta love that Tyra

Language and our/My Reality

Kenneth Burke said that "man is a symbol using, symbol misusing animal" (yes, a bit sexist with the language, but you get the gist). He also said that we create our reality by and through books and our symbols systems:

Take away our books, and what little do we know about history, biography, even something so "down to earth" as the rleative position of seas and continents? What is our "reality" for today (beyound the paper-thin line of our own particular lives) but all this clutter of symbols about the past combined with whatever things we know mainly through maps, magazines, newspapers, and the like about the present? (Langauge as Symbolic Action 5)

When I first read this I think I just read it. I didn't really apply it. For me Burke, or rather studying Burke, has been a struggle and an off and on again affair. I came to Burke as a grad student years ago and now return to him for help in my own teaching and writing. But today I saw through even my own terministic screens and I could see how we can become so cluttered with symbol systems that aren't are own, but that come from other places, that we loose touch on what our own understanding(s) is(are).

We cling on to words because thats really all we have for understanding our world. I guess there is something underneath language- something gutteral, like raw emotion, but even when we go to explain those feelings we are grasping for terms. I think about when I gave birth to babe, there are very few words that can really wrap themselves around the dynamics of that event. So, all we have are words and we use them the best we can. Is there any way possible to declutter our symbol systems? To really see and understand what we think or know?

In so many ways....

My dad always hollars about making sacrifices for us. He worked a shitty job for 30+ years and was able to put both my bro and myself through private school grades K-12. He hated his job and it was always known. But he said that he'd made a promise to himself that he'd do it so that he could put us through school and pay for the house, etc. This meant that my parents never had 'nice' cars, expensive clothes, vacations, etc. and now, as a parent myself I think I can begin to understand this idea of sacrifice.

But, what happens when you do sacrifice your work and your kids know it? At the same time are you sending them a message of, "its okie to forget about yourself and what you want?" Or, are you showing them how much you do love them? My dad always came home angry, I guess he could have done a better job of hiding it, and I never did feel like I was the cause of his anger-like I never felt like he was blaming me for his shitty job, I just felt like he was one angry man.

Back to the box.

Internet Powers

The strangest thing has happened. When Tree posted 'If you Blog it it Will Come' I must admit that I didn't think there would or could be any power behind it. My list, included the following:

*To be able to find a full time job teaching.

*To decide what kind of PhD program is going to work best for me.

And within the past two weeks I've had two job interviews for full time teaching positions and an offer of acceptance to a PhD program.

The internet does have power.....

While I don't believe that, I do believe that God doesn't put more on you than you can take and that certain things have to happen before you can take on certain challenges. Why is it, that I have the hardest time understanding that not only am I not in control and that is ok, but there is a higher power that creates order and I need only to relax and proceed as the way opens.

When your Head can't Wrap around a Situation

Today's events at Virginia Tech can't be explained. Tonight in class lots of us were trying to understand what happened today. Trying to make sense of it, but no one could. The irony of the situation is that we were in a class where we've been studying how you can learn about one's motives (and subsequent action) through the study of words. But in this case, I don't know, I don't see how you can understand how someone can murder, when nothing seems like there was anything to provoke the situation. What words can be used to describe this action?

I started watching this on the news today, around lunchtime and watched or listened most of the afternoon and evening. All I can say is that my prayers go out to that community.

Pray.

sigh

Yesterday I went for a job interview. I didn't really get nervous until I got there. I was fine the night before, fine in the car, fine when I walked into the building. Then, the nerves set in. Before I checked in with the interview folks I had some time, so I sat in a lobby to wait. For a minute I totally thought about leaving and hiding in the bathroom. I was able to settle my nerves enough so that I got myself together enough to wait for the interview folk to come get me.

I'd like to think that the interview went well. Reflecting back on it, my only worry is that I might have seemed to anxious to get the job. I mean the truth of the matter is, I am anxious to get the job, but I worry that it might have come across that I would do anything to get the job. Then I worry I laughed too hard at their jokes, or didn't laugh enough. I dunno...it could have been worse, right? I could have danced on the table and marched through the halls playing an imaginary trumpet.

Potpouri Part II of II

Guilt
I am feeling extremely guilty about going to this job interview on Thursday. I feel badly about working full time with babe. I don't know, I teach part-time now and that doesn't seem to bother me, but the idea of committing to working full time (along with the knowledge that also means other job responsibilities) is making me feel nervous and sad. I know that babe would be well taken care of, but its like I feel I should be there with her at all times.

Giddy
I've stumbled upon a really interesting idea about the relationship between language and religion. Not that I created it on my own, I owe it to good ole Kenneth Burke, but I have been trying to come up with a different version of his model and its made me quite giddy. Have you ever spent so much time thinking or working on something that you just get silly with it?

Go
I realized today as I was walking in the city through my old neighborhood that I want to go. I don't quite know where, but its hard for me to find places around here that make me feel good anymore. And maybe, yes I'll admit this, my husband could possible be right, its not the city, but just me. Some times, even when babe is with me I feel lonely. I want someone to talk to and not even about anything important. Just random old talk, and I think those are the times I miss my granny the most. Other times, I'm just so frustrated with having to commute to get to places (grocery store, appointments, work, etc) that I feel like its not always worth the hassle and so I stay at home and then feel really lonely because there aren't many folks around.
But I'm not even sure anymore where I want to go to, or if I'm just running from things within myself.

Potpouri Part I of II

Tomatoes
Tonight I was in Walmart with my mom, she was getting some stuff for Easter dinner. We were in produce and I noticed the tomatoes. I noticed a small package of them, they came in a pack of 3 in a small black plastic container. I remembered those being tomatoes my granny would buy. She'd get them and slice them up for tomatoe and mayo sandwhiches, or turkey and mayo sandwhiches. I didn't need tomatoes and they were expensive, like 2.58 for three, but I wanted to buy them just because they made my granny feel close.

Time
I have an interview. Yes, a real interview for a real teaching position this week, full time con benefits. *gasp* I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I have to use my time wisely the next few days to prepare for the interview, questions, presentation, travel.
I also have an abstract due for a 20 page paper and a CFP to finish for a paper on science and rhetoric, and a journal to index.
My dad says there is enough time in the day to do everything, but I've not figured that out yet.

Tug
Babe is tugging to stand up and walk now. If your sitting on the floor with her she wants to tug at your shirt and stand up, kinda grabbing you like, "Hey buddy, you might not want to move but I do." She's growing. So fast. Now she'll squirm to get down out of your lap so she can play on the floor. I swear, I just brought her home. I just had her, now she is moving around and about to do so independently.

***

Bubbly

Normally feeling bubbly is a good thing, but not if its happening in your stomach. My stomach is bubbly because I feel like I've got a good million things to do and just don't even know where to begin. That plus the fact that I drank so much apple juice today, more than one adult should. We've been trying to give babe other choices for food and drink, more than pureed babe food and milk, but she's not interested in much of anything unless its milk or strawberry yogurt.

So, we had apple juice and dammit I drank most of it. And now my stomach is gurgling.

***
On a side note, I must confess that I did it again. I bought another calendar/planner. I know, I know, its a cry for help because I buy them so damn often. Well, it used to not be that way, I'd buy one at the start of the school semester and that was it. Well, last year when shit started to hit the fan (gma's passing, moving, etc.) I started to buy them left and right because I was searching for one that would organize Me. Doesn't work that way. Well, today I got one, its really pretty and is large enough so I can keep my home lists along with my work lists and agendas all together in one place.

I'm afraid to write in it because my insane schedule might mess it up.
*looks around, flips the pages, things about using one of the new pens she just got, decides pencil is better*

Listing

Things that make me happy

1. Babe can pull herself up to stand with the support of her toy box, or a sofa, or more often, a mom or dad.

2. Babe eats yogurt and doesn't care for yucky sugary puddings.

3. I finally completed something on my list that had been on there for over a year.

4. Warm days that are not too hot or muggy.

5. Eating and drinking good food.

Things that make me sad

1. Missing my granny.

2. Hearing about other people dealing with cancer.

3. Missing having friends around.

4. Being lonely.

5. Sometimes, being alone.

6. Hearing about women who don't have access to health care during and after their pregnacies, deliveries, post-natal period.

Things that make me angry

1. People who don't respond to email.

2. Allowing myself to be shaped by the perception that others have of me, or rather the perception others have of themselves.

3. The fact that I believe so much of what I read.

4. Comparing and Contrasting.

5. Algebra

6. Having to take the GRE again.

7. Having to feel like I'm on the meat market again for school.

Things that make me excited

1. The fact that babe is growing so fast. (kinda sad too)

2. Thinking about school as a real prospect.

3. Thinking.

It only took me a year.

I lament over the excuses my students often give when they are turning in a late assignment: "Um, I forgot until a friend took me out for beers and then I started talking about how stupid this class is, and I'm like, sorry, but then I remembered, but by that time it was like 3 in the morning," "I had too many other issues to write this paper," "You mean we do have homework in this class? I thought it was just about writing." Yada, yada, yada. But I had a writing assignment, a review I was working on, that I should have finished like a year ago, but I just completed it. And it actually feels good. It feels really good.

I went out and got myself two filing boxes to try and organize my workspace here at home a bit more, I have a "Thinking" box and a "File" box, also known as in and out respectively. It does feel good to see things getting out of the Thinking box and into the filing box, makes me feel more accomplished.

I realize that I kinda have to work when the spirit moves me, which is not very often these days, or so it seems. So now I've got an entry to work on for a Hip Hop Journal article, and then I've got to figure out if I'm gonna try to respond to a call for papers about L1 and L2 writers. Then the next thing I want to tackle is my very outdated CV and teaching portfolio. My teaching philosophy I worked on earlier this year and for now I'm o.k. with it, but the portfolio is something I never really developed so now I've got to get that together.

I hope the story about the tortoise and the hare is right, slow and steady.